Citizen Journalism is Gan Pua Steady

So R just introduced me to these videos on You Tube of these gan fierce Singaporeans at their finest. In Singapore, the more hiong you are, the more respect you get. So without much further ado, I show you my favourite ones:

Hiong Lift Aunty



I don't know what the story behind this is but it starts off damn action packed with a security guard trying to prevent a couple of aunties from going into a lift. One of them is saying something like the guy (who is filming the whole thing from inside the lift) kicked her first. At the same time, another aunty on the left tries to help her by telling the security guard that "I saw it also". The aunty is like going absolutely beserk and it sounds like she's slapping the security guard at one point. I think most steady is the security guard. Can hold off the aunties for so long. The guy inside the lift is chao ah kua. Only know how to video the thing and say "dun block my lift!". But the best part is at the end when the first aunty takes some kinda whip-like thing and whips it at the guy in the lift. Gan hiong.

Crazy MRT Aunty



This one my favourite. Apparently the backstory is that the aunty had been following the guy for some time in the MRT station and then he couldn't take it anymore so he whipped out his video camera phone and started recording her. This clip wins Best Swear Word and Rude Gesture Creativity award. Got "chao cheebye" got "kan ni na beh" some more got Middle Finger and Fist to Open Palm manoeuvre. I give five stars plus favourite on You Tube. The best part is at the end when the aunty walks away and the guy asks "Aunty, no more oreadi ah?". An instant classic.

Ang Moh Fight Two Singapore Girls



This one also quite hiong. Apparently there's some "star blogger" called Michelle Quek who won some blogger award or something (guess there's something for me to aspire to). So anyway, the story is Michelle Quek was minding her own business but her bag accidentally bumped against some ang moh dude and his girlfriend. Then suddenly the ang moh guy and his girl go crazy and start hantaming Michelle Quek! Ah *kbsh* *bsh* *bsh*. Wah damn hiong. But luckily got helpful Singaporean passerby to catch the ang moh. Steady. We Are Singapore. Most steady is the guy in the checked shirt. He go and fuck the ang moh, "this is Singapore ok! Not your country! SINGAPORE AH!!" Then later he give one damn steady guai lan face. But most loser is the ang moh. Just stand there with his cock face looking like some schoolboy who's getting fucked by his principal. Then later he still try to run away and then kena caught again. Damn cock. Some more he damn unglam. Wear baggy t-shirt with belt pouch. Even if he is in the right I also condemn him.

So anyway, there you have it. Singapore citizen journalism at its finest. One day I also hope I kena hantam by some aunty in Singapore then I also can become famous.

Cock Too Small? Just Add Balls

So someone decided that Jakarta needs to have some sort of 'subway system' in order to make it 'world class'. But no money to dig tunnels. So how? Easy. Just close of one lane of traffic throughout the busiest roads in Jakarta by spending millions of dollars to raise said lane by one foot, thereby worsening traffic conjestion, i.e., the very same problem that any normal subway system is supposed to alleviate, buy a few hundred snazzy, custom-made buses (the doors have to be about a meter off the ground - see below - in order to reach the specially-built bus-stops designed with passenger platforms very high off the ground so as to simulate the experience of being at a real subway stop which, against conventional wisdom, have been built on the road dividers between lanes, thereby neccesitating special custom-built overhead bridges for passengers to reach them), then drive the buses around the city, passing them off as subway trains, and hope no one notices the difference.

Busdriver Bill never quite figured out whether Keanu meant
miles or kilometres per hour when he said "stay above fifty!".

So anyway, this is the logo for the 'Busway' system:

Oh look. It's an eagle. Just like those American bald eagles associated with cool, high quality American service. But this one better. This eagle got balls. Balls so big that they're the same size as its head. Imagine if you had balls the size of your head. How to walk? And that's not all. Not satisfied with the boring old two balls, Transjakarta Eagle has three! That's how man he is.

Why have three balls? Because, as you can see from the close-up above, Transjakarta Eagle (he's like a mascot. They call him Tran-E. He goes to little kids' birthday parties and all) has no lan jiao. Or perhaps his lan jiao is so small that you can't see it. So how? Just have balls that are ten times bigger than real life and add an extra one for good measure. That'll show those stupid Americans.

Like L says, "more bigger, more better!"

Akan Datang...

My Facebook Friend Needs Someone to Fuck Her Face

So I'm on Facebook. And I realise that there are people on Facebook who randomly add strangers as friends so that they can bump up the number of friends on their profile and look more popular.

Enter Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl:

"I'm a cute imbecile! Tee hee!"

She added me about two weeks ago. Thinking that she was probably someone that I had sex with accidentally in the past (I tend to do that a lot), I decided to add her out of pity. But then I think think think think think.. I really don't know this person leh.. And she's fucking cock. Always sending me invites to retarded applications like "Do You Like Me?" or "Am I Hot?" or "Aren't I A Cutesey Wutesey Little Bitchsy Witsey Who Needs To Be Cockslapped*"

So I had a look at her profile. It is fucking retarded. She's got something like 68 applications on her Facebook profile. I guess its supposed to make one look like an interesting person. Well guess what retard? It just makes you look retarded. I mean what kinda retard has 68 applications on Facebook?

So anyway, right at the top of the profile at the status update, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is waiting for new year day". New YEAR day? I suppose you enjoyed "Christma" morning as well huh?

Ok maybe that was just low. But then there's the applications themselves. There's the "More About Me" application which, as its name suggests, lets you answer more questions about yourself so that people know you better. Here are Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's answers. Honestly, I did not edit anything whatsoever:

About Me

Right-handed or left-handed: Right Handed

Goal you would like to achieve this year: Buy A Rolex For Myself

Do you want to go to college: i wish i could

Most embarrassing moment: alot .........

My perfect pizza: i eat anything . . . . .

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

What would you do with a million dollars: lot's of things i got to do

What can't you live without: alot

Do you sing: neh

What can't you live without: alot

My weakness: umm........

Silver or Gold: both

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

Do you play a musical instrument: nope nope. But wanted to learn

Who was the last person that called you: umm..........

Favorite candy bar: umm.........

That's real informative man. Is there anything else you can say apart from "lot's", "alot" and "umm.......". More full stops doesn't mean more intelligence you know. Fucking retard.

Also, I counted no less than three "hug me" type applications. There's "FriendHug":


As well as "Hugs" and "HugMe". Wow. What? Your friends can't online hug you enough with one application? And what kinda idiots send "hugs" online anyway? I think she needs a "cockslap me" application. Sure get a lot of hits one.

Ok and then there's the cutesy applications. Fuck. She's got this in spades man. There's "What Kinda Lover Are You?":

I'm "The Care Bear"!

Aww, aren't you sweet. You are the sensitive lover, in tune with your partner's needs and perhaps the Lifetime Channel. You care more about pleasing your lover than you do yourself, which is ironic because pleasing your partner is the only way you can please yourself. You probably own a stuffed animal.

And then, right below that, by sheer coincidence, on her "What is Your Ideal Lover" application, it says:

I need "The Care Bear"!

Oh, you poor thing. You've been hurt, haven't you? Come, cry on my shoulder. My naked, naked shoulder. You are looking for a sensitive lover, someone who can spoon with you through the next episode of Sex And the City. You want someone that cares more about the 'after' part than the 'during' part. Also, you want someone who can stay awake for the 'after' part.

SPOON with you?! I'll fucking spoon your eyes out you fucking idiot.

If that wasn't enough, she's got a "garden" with cutesy wustesy beesy weesies and butterfwies and, count 'em... nine cutesy wutesy wabbits:


There's more. She's got "Sketch Me" which, presumeably replaces your photo with a cunning computer generated "sketch". Guess what, genius? It's called an image filter and it comes with Adobe Photoshop. And it makes you look even cock-er than you do normally:

Piltdown Woman's body was almost perfectly
preserved for 3 million years in the hard arctic ice.

Hey look, look! I can make myself look like a sketch too! Tee hee! LOLZ!!!!!! :))):


Nifty huh?

And then as if its not enough, her friends are cocks too! Here's some of the things they send around to "cheer up" each other's day:



I'll give you some of my droppings if you want.

But the best part is, the other day, I went to Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's profile to see which cock has been sending all these cock applications to me. And then I noticed that she's got this application that presumably gives you an IQ test and publishes it on your profile. So on her profile, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!"

But I'm like, waitaminute, an IQ of 100 is just in the average intelligence band. Not very high on the average intelligence band in fact. So why the fuck would you show it to the whole world? So that people know that you're of lower tier average intelligence? What a loser. (I, on the other hand, totally have a valid reason to let everyone know).

So anyway, I go and show L what kinda stupid people I meet on Facebook. But the What's My IQ application is gone from Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's page! We spend about five minutes sifting through all her 68 cutesy applications but there's no "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!" leh. It was at this point when we both came to the conclusion that she probably thought having an IQ of 100 was like getting full marks for the IQ test. And then somehow she realised how far that was from reality and decided to take down the application in case people realise what an turd brain she is and don't want to online hug her anymore.

Anyway, I couldn't resist so I post on her Wall, "Guess IQ 100 doesn't mean full marks huh?" Five minutes later, she gleefully replies, "IQ 100 means almost 0 IQ ........hahahahahaha : D", thus proving the theory that L and I had. Then I asked her how come she added me to her Facebook and she goes "Good Question .............I dunno ..........hahahahaahahahaha : D".

Who, in the blue fuck, writes that many "haha"s?

She's also got tons of applications to check (and double check) if people like her. Like "Am I Hot?", "Are YOU Interested?", "Vote Me For Most Eligible Single", "Am I Popular?", "Hot Or Not" (in case you missed the first "Am I Hot" application), "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?", "Am I A Great Lover?", "Will You Kiss Me?" and "CRUSH ME" (which is, again, another variation of "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?"). Good God.

Oh and there's one other application on her profile that I think makes you do a quiz and publishes your mental age on your site. This one says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is 15 years old!". 'Nuff said.

I cannot take it. I just want to go up to her and start punching her face, ah *bsh* *bsh* *bsh*. I've been trying to remove her but there seems to be a problem with Facebook and "remove friend" just doesn't seem to work.

Fucking retard.



* There has been considerable confusion and disagreement on whether a "cockslap" refers to (a) an act of assault on another person where his cock gets slapped by the assailant or; (b) when a person has his/her face slapped by a cock. I have considerable anecdotal evidence that it is the latter.

I Am Famous

I think this qualifies me to call myself "world renowned". Someone should do a Wikipedia page on me.

Ugly People

It sometimes gets tiresome being here in Jakarta. What with the stress of waiting out the jam in my chauffeur-driven Mercedes Benz and waiting for people to make up their minds on whether they want to come into the lift or not (trust me, it is extremely infuriating).

So I pass my time by taking covert pictures of ugly people. Since there's so many around and they're too stupid to realise that they're being photographed. There's just an indescribable thrill taking photos of an ugly person and going in as near as you dare without them realising it.

Anyway, here are some of my personal best:

Derek was proud of his long nails.

This guy was grooming himself in the same lift I was in on the way up to the office. He had obviously taken great care in achieving that punk rocker look, what with the thumb ring, the black beanie, the retro shirt and the leather band bracelet. He also had grown out all his finger nails till they were all at least one inch long. If I remember correctly, he was checking his face for pimples. In front of the approximately ten people in the lift. Classy.

Then there's the fat lady in the Italian restaurant. Here she is stuffing her face with garlic bread. If you look closely, you'll see that she forgot to shave today:

Eric realised, to his horror, that the beehive was no longer in vogue.

Finally there's Indonesian Aunty With Big Hair And Flabby Upper Arms. The picture does not do her hair size justice. It was at least twice as big in real life:

Mary discussed her gang bang scene in the food court.

Am I good or what?

The Beautiful Language

So I got this weird rash on my left forearm (for a change). Like its been there a while so I decided to see a doctor. Then I realised that I don't know how to say "rash" in Indonesian. So I asked my staff. So then she said "rash", in Indonesian, is called "merah merah" which is directly translated into "red red". So I'm like, well is there another, more specific, term for "rash" cos "merah merah" just seems kinda generic. And she's like nope, you just go to the doctor and say you got some "merah merah" on your arm...

Unbelievable. What kinda cock language does not have a specific term for "rash"? So I guess the Indonsian word for diarrhea is what? "Brown brown"? Which, in Indonesian, is... waitaminute. There isn't an Indonesian word for "brown" either. The colour brown, in Indonesian, is called "coklat" or "chocolate". Which makes you wonder what word they used for "brown" before the advent of chocolate. Maybe they said "shit". Which would make "diarrhea" translate into "shit shit". Which I guess is pretty accurate.

Fucking idiots.

SPG TV

So recently I was in Bali for work. It was bad. Everyday work until half die half live. But its ok. Every night after I go back to my hotel room, they got one TV channel that always make me perk up. It's called "SPG TV". I tell you ah. This channel is damn good. Every night got a different SPG to introduce you to those place where, if you are an ang moh, sure got a lot of SPG waiting for you one. You see, I never bluff you. This particular host is called "Nina":

Nina demonstrates the correct posture for ang moh hunting.

I show you close up of the screen to prove that it's really "SPG TV":

"v" suffered from severe stage fright...

So each episode of SPG TV will show the SPG of the day go to dunno wat spa la.. or dunno wat hotel in Maldives la.. And then ride boat.. or ride jetski or go suntanning. Usually got a lot of ang mohs around. Then the SPG always say until like the hotel or spa or whatever is like gan pua nice like that. And then her voice must make until like steam steam like that, like, "oh this massage is SOOoo goOOod.. this experience is HEAvenly"... I hear already I also steam.

So I tried to look around Bali to see whether got SPG for me or not. But dun have leh. Bali seems like only got a lot of fat ang moh environmentalists. You know.. those kind of tua pui sai* who so old already but still don't have boyfriend or husband or children. Then they have a lot of cats at home to keep them company. And before they sleep they will watch TV with all their cats while they lick whipped cream straight from the can. Those type of tua pui sai (henceforth abbreviated as "TPS") ang moh woman who got nothing in their lives so they become environmentalists cos all those environmentalist groups got a lot of tasty young hunky guys for them to oggle. I show you one example. This one was trying to cut queue in front of me when we were collecting our passes:

George was constantly embarassed by Bertha who
insisted on making her presence known.

Oh ya I forgot to say that these TPSs usually like to talk very loud cos they scared that people don't notice them. I think that's where they got the phrase "throw your weight around".

After you see one TPS like this, I think you need ten hours of SPG TV just to recuperate.

* literally "big fat shit" in Hokkien.

881 in Jakarta!!!

Steady pom pi pi pi pi pi pi pi!!! Royston Tan and Big Papaya come to Jakarta for first time 881 screening! If you don't know what I am talking about, then you are chao cheebye (see previous post). Damn steady. Somemore Royston and Big Papaya did a small performance. If you look carefully at this picture, you can see Big Papaya gesturing at me to go backstage with her:

Mutant Chicken requested for the lights to be turned
down so that her eggs would not hatch premturely.

But I very paiseh. So never go with her. Girls always ask me to come with them but I always try to control. Anyway, after the movie I got to take picture with both of them:

Jimmy fervently wished that his fans would stop making him
pull those ridiculous faces when they posed with him.

I ask them where is Small Papaya but they say she cannot come leh. So sad. Auntie Ling also cannot come. Royston said they're doing a prequel of the movie. Maybe called 880. Actually I wanted to tell him that my voice is very tok kong and I can sing Ji Pa Ban so he should make me his lead actor. But he too busy leh. Never mind la. Next year 7th month getai he'll sure notice me on one.

In the meantime, who want to listen to my Ji Pa Ban, just let me know and next time I go to Singapore I sing for you.

Hokkien Songs for Dummies

Ok who haven't seen 881 better go and see now. Who never see means who is chao cheebye. Actually the movie is a bit boh liao. But the songs really make me feel my Hokkien roots.

Anyway, so I go and listen to all the 881 songs. And then I went to ross reference with the real Hokkien oldies for comparison. Then I realise actually Hokkien songs quite meaningful one. But very hard to understand because uh.. its in Hokkien, and last time my O-level Hokkien only got B3. But after listening for more than 100 times, I found that Hokkien songs are peppered with a few recurring elements. If you can master these elements, you basically can understand any Hokkien song. So in order to help promote this genre of music, I have compiled some basic ubiquitous phrases that can usually be heard in most Hokkien songs:

1. Cham. Meaning tragic, down in the dumps, unlucky, etc.. you get the picture. Every Hokkien song is cham. In the Hokkien song industry, the success or failure of your songs is almost entirely dependent on how cham the protagonist in your song is. The more cham the better. Born in a dumpster? Is your mother a beggar and your father a rubbish collector? Did you everyday fight with wild dogs for food and when you grow up already your mother sold you to a brothel for a meal ticket only to be bullied by your fellow prostitutes and later kena cancer and have to go hospital everyday, endure injections that make you drop hair and eat medicine that make you want to vomit and every night you pray to your dead parents to come and bring you to heaven to keep them company? Ah.. then you are perfect candidate for Hokkien song. There is a perfect example in Twelve Lotus Flowers by the Mingzhu Sisters, the lyrics go something like "qi cham toh teng dio si wah". Which means "the peak of cham is me", thus exemplifying the central theme of most Hokkien songs.

2. Kor lian. Kor lian means pitiful, poor thing. Slightly different from cham which usually is used in reference to a more macroscopic state of the protagonist's life. Kor lian is usually used in more intimate references. Got kor lian lotus flower, kor lian begger which nobody wanna give money to, kor lian mother whose daughter left her and never come home, kor lian 40 year old woman who kena very cham illness (see the distinction?) and alive also not like alive, dead also not like dead, kor lian scholar who kena bonded for six years and get offered a job in McKinsey but have no money to pay off the bond. The list goes on and on. There's also kor lian dai which is a variation I assume means "poor thing person". This is usually used when the characters in the song speak to each other Like when the towkay's wife decides to take pity on the kor lian beggar, she says "wah.. I see you kor lian dai.. ok la... I buy less groceries today and give you some money for you to eat lunch la".

3. Ao bu. Stepmother. In Hokkien songs, stepmothers are always bad and don't love their stepchildren. Always don't give them enough to eat, make them go out to beg for money while their real children get to enjoy big fish for dinner, next time the stepchildren grow up already make them go and become prostitute. No matter how cham your life is, if your mother is not your biological mother, your cham-ness automatically times ten. Some characteristics of ao bu are, they prefer money over their stepchildren, they like to barter their stepchildren to brothels in exchange for ridiculously cheap items (usually food-related) like meal tickets or a plate of mee kia or some cheap rice wine. Also, if you are an ao bu, you must be drunk most of the time. This is the number one rule of ao bu. If you are a self-respecting ao bu, you will go to great lengths to maintain your state of drunkedness. If not, you will be sleeping because the last defining characteristic of an ao bu is that you must be lazy. You'd rather sleep or drink than do any real work. So much so that you sponge dry your family which leaves them in the cham state that they are always in, hence, fulfilling the prerequisite state of affairs that sets the stage for a classic Hokkien song.

4. Sim tiong. Literally means "within the heart". Anything and everything that means anything in any Hokkien song is said from sim tiong. Only from your sim tiong, you can tell your girlfriend you love her. From sim tiong, a prostitute can pine for her favourite client to one day save enough money from his small Hokkien mee business to buy her out of her bondage. If you really love someone, then your sim tiong bo pak lang. i.e., there is no one else inside your heart. In the world of Hokkien song, sim tiong means everything. Even if you go downstairs to order kopi-o but you never order from your sim tiong, the kopi tiam uncle will not serve you. Conversely, if you go and see a prostitute and then you tell her that from your sim tiong, she is the only one for you, there is a good chance that she will give you free of charge. Or at least next time half price. Remember. Sim tiong means everything.

5. Huay. Flower. In Hokkien song, it is taboo to mention a girl by name. This is to protect her modesty. So a popular literary device is to use a flower as metaphor for a (usually kor lian) young girl. So there's lian huay which is lotus flower, then there's kek huay which is chrysanthemum flower, and suay huay - small flower. More modern Hokkien songs sometimes eschew mentioning the specific type of flower for brevity and resort to the less classy ah huay which can be simply translated into "Miss Flower" which, frankly, sounds slightly crass. Refering to girls as flowers allows the Hokkien song writer to extend the metaphor of the flower to the girl's life. So, in keeping with the theme of cham, the budding huay will fall to the ground and get swept away by the wind before it has a chance to bloom. In another instance, a girl tells her lover not to pick the "wild flowers" by the side of the road even though the spring wind is blowing flower petals all over the young man. Pure genius.

6. Kum cheng. Means "feeling". Perhaps somewhat analogous to the Western concept of "soul". Kum cheng can refer to the feeling of sisterhood or togetherness between two prostitutes or the true love that a girl feels for her soulmate (but usually unrequited due to the cham effect). As beautifully expressed in one of the more frequently heard songs in 881, "jit lang jit pua, kum cheng buay sua. Jit lang jit su ku, kam cheng jia eh gu", meaning "one person one half, then our kum cheng won't be scattered. One person one quarter, then our kum cheng will last long". Sheer poetry.

7. Robert Lee. If you are a brothel client, your name must be Robert Lee. This is largely because Robert Lee rhymes perfectly with "ke yi" which means "can" or "sure thing". For instance, one of the songs goes, "Robert Lee, Robert Lee, yao wo mummy ah ye ke yi" which means, "Robert Lee, Oh Robert Lee, even if you want the brothel mummy, sure thing". Robert Lee is usually described as a suave, well-dressed and rich client whose visits all the prostitutes look forward to (which calls into question why he even needs to go to a brothel, but this is Hokkien song world where logic sometimes takes a backseat). In fact, this is probably why statistically, if you were a Hokkien male born during the period of 1960 - 1970, there is a 39.8% chance that your parents decided to name you "Robert". Robert Lee is the man. You better remember that.

8. Seh kai. Meaning "the world" in general. This is usually used in the context of "yiu sek kai" or travel the world. In Hokkien song, when a poor young man dreams of having a lot of money in the future when he is washing his boss's car, he invariably dreams of yiu seh kai because this is something that only rich people do. If you're rich, you will automatically have travelled the world. It is simply a sign of affluence. In the more modern Ji Pa Ban (or "One Million Dollars"), the protagonist sings "nah si wah wu ji pa ban, wah beh jeh puay ki, wah ki yiu seh kai, Hawaii sai tai yang, ji bun jia sushiii" or "if I had a million dollars, I go and sit aeroplane, travel the world, go sun-tanning in Hawaii, go Japan and eat sushi". And in "Hang Cheng Pai" ("Times Are Bad"), the singer wonders how he can "chua kia chua boh yiu seh kai" ("bring my children and wife to travel the world") if he doesn't even have a steady job. Travelling the world is an important status symbol in Hokkien songs. If you haven't travelled the world, you are nothing.

9. Ji. Money. Having very cham lives, most Hokkien song protagonists worry about ji a lot. The stepmother in Twelve Lotus Flowers loved ji more than her stepdaughter (the "lotus flower"). Another songs laments "boh ji kai" or "no money to spend". On a happier note, in Ji Pa Ban, the singer merrily tells his friend that if he had a million dollars, "nah si li wu kiam eng ji, kui chui mian keh ki" ("if you owe someone money, just open your mouth and ask me for money, no need to be shy"). Ji makes the world go round. And its dearth is the key to the success of a Hokkien song.

So there you have it. Nine phrases you must know in order to understand Hokkien songs. Even if you can't understand most of the lyrics, just look out for these nine phrases and you can more or less guess the meaning of any song. For instance, if there is "cham" (most probably), "huay", "ao bu" and "kor lian", the song is probably about some pitiful girl who was ill-treated by her stepmother and had more or less a tragic, shitty life. Or if there is "kum cheng", "Robert Lee", "ji", and "seh kai", then it could be about a prostitute thinking about her feelings for Robert Lee who will one day come to rescue her with his money and bring her to travel the world.

Of course, I am but little more than a dilettante when it comes to Hokkien songs. You are welcome to email me or leave your comments if you discover any new Universal Hokkien Song Phrase that I should know.

In the meantime, I wish you all strike lottery and get a lot of ji so that you can donate to my MV Agusta fund. HUAT AH!!!

You are a Genius

Ok I know I haven't been posting recently. Been kinda busy. So here's something to cheer you up:



So congratulations because if you can read this blog, means you are a GENIUS. Steady pom pi pi.

I Am Not Pak Jafar

So apparently my mobile phone is using a recycled number that used to belong to one "Pak Jafar". How do I know this? Because I keep getting calls from people asking for Pak Jafar. This Pak Jafar ah.. I tell you. He must be either one damn champion philanthropist or some loan shark lor. Everyone asking him for money. Got one say the daughter gonna go to school need money lah... another one say the mother gonna die need money lah... And the best thing about these fucking idiots is, they are incapable of understanding that I am not Pak Jafar. Fucking idiots. Here's a typical conversation (and this is all translated from the original Indonesian by the way):

Caller Number 1: Hello Pak Jafar.. How's it going?

Me: Sorry this is the wrong number. There is no Pak Jafar here.

Caller Number 1: Huh?

Me: I am not Pak Jafar.

Caller Number 1: Uhh.. Why?

Me: I don't know. Maybe he cancelled his number.

Caller Number 1: Can I speak to Pak Jafar?

I hang up.

----------------------------------------------------------------

This is only a typical call. These idiots are incapable of understanding what I am saying. I'm sure it can't be my Indonesian because, seriously, how many wrong ways are there to say "wrong number" anyway? No. I think people are just stupid. My theory is that their brains are like 286 computers. So before they make the call, they already hard wire into their brains that they are going to talk to Pak Jafar. So that they can free up as much processing power to use on their conversation with Pak Jafar (cos there's not all that much to use anyway). So when I turn out to be NOT Pak Jafar, their tiny 286 processors cannot handle this unprecedented situation ("I called Pak Jafar... but the person who answer is NOT Pak Jafar?... Terminal error... Not within system parameters"). So they become like the more old fashioned car assembly robots when there is no car in place. The computer just plays out the algorithm anyway and the robot continues to bolt on doors to a non-existent car frame. Or continues to spray the paint into empty space. You get the picture. Pak Jafar's friends are no brainiacs.

Here's another illustrative example. I have, to the best of my abilities, tried to reproduce this conversation exactly the way it was without embellishments. Notice how Caller Number 2's conversation does not correspond in any way to my responses:

Caller Number 2: Eeeehhhhh.. helloooo Pak Jafar!! How's it going!!??

Me: Sorry wrong number. There is no Pak Jafar here.

Caller Number 2: Huh?

Me: You got the wrong number.

Caller Number 2: Ah? (286 processor working overtime now.) Ooooh ya.. How's it going Pak Jafar? This is Jusuf.

Me: You got the wrong number. I don't think Pak Jafar uses this number anymore.

Caller Number 2: Oooh.. ya ya.. (long pause)... So how's everything? I'm in Jakarta now Pak.

Me: Fuck you mother cheebye! (in English/Hokkien)

I hang up. His 286 is obviously incompatible with my Quad Core processor.

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Then there are those who understand what's going on but insist on finding out the truth about Pak Jafar:

Caller Number 3: Hello Pak Jafar. How are you?

Me: I'm afraid you got the wrong number. I don't think Pak Jafar uses this number anymore.

Caller Number 3: Oh? Then who's this?

I tell him who I am and what organisation I work for.

Caller Number 3: Where is this?

Me (feeling the need to take a piss, I get up to walk to the toilet): This is in central Jakarta. Does it really matter?

Caller Number 3 (sounding more aggressive and suspicious): How come you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: I don't. I bought this phone new. I think the number must have been recycled.

Caller Number 3: Why are you using Pak Jafar's phone number? Who are you?

Again I tell him who I am and explain why I have Pak Jafar's phone number. By this time I have reached the toilet and I really need to stop talking to this idiot and pee.

Caller Number 3: Where are you now?! Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: I'm in the toilet, on the XX floor, in XXX building, on XXX road.

Caller number 3: Tell me who you are.

Me: (Unzipping my trousers) I told you already. (I tell him who I am again).

Caller Number 3: Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?!

Me: Well as I said just a minute ago, I am using a brand new SIM card on a brand new phone. I don't know Pak Jafar and I certainly did not take his phone. You see these telco companies sometimes find it more economical to re-use old telephone numbers and not come up with new numbers. After all, if they kept coming up with new numbers, telephone numbers would just get longer and longer. So you can see the logic in recycli-

Caller Number 3: Who are you? Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone? Where are you now?

Me: Sorry. Give me a minute. (Place the phone on top of the urinal and turn the phone to speaker mode).

Caller Number 3: Who is this?

Me: *pisssssssssssssss*.......

Caller Number 3: Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: *pisssss*...

Caller Number 3: Where are you located now?

Me: *pisss*.... *piss* *piss* *piss* *tinkle* *tinkle*..

Caller Number 3: Who is this?! Wha?

Me: *shakeshakeshakeshakeshake*.. *zip* (pick up the phone). Hello? Hello?

The guy hung up. Don't say I wasn't trying to be helpful. Notice that his 286 processor, faced with an unfamiliar situation, opted to loop his "query identity/query ownership/query location" functions? Interesting how the primitive human mind works isn't it?

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Then there are times when I get damn du lan with these people and just play along with them. This one is on SMS:

SMSer Number 1: "Greetings Pak Jafar. Hope everything is well. I was wondering if you would be able to help me with something. My mother is seriously ill and we need Rp30 million for her medical bills. Would it be possible for you to help out?"

Me: "Yeah sure."

SMSer Number 1: "That's wonderful Pak Jafar. Thank you for your generosity. When can we have the money?"

Me: "Tomorrow."

SMSer Number 1: "Sure Pak Jafar. Where should I meet you?"

Me: "Plaza Semanggi."

SMSer Number 1: "Ok Pak. What time?"

Me: "10am. Come alone."

No response. Half an hour later I get a call. I'm in a bar in Singapore at this time so, not only is there loud raunchy music blarring in the background, the caller is having to pay about two dollars a minute for the overseas call. Even the music is not enough to convince them that I am not Pak Jafar. They call back two times and I explain patiently (a bit more patiently than normal since I don't have to pay the long distance charges). Each time they say "oh.. ok thanks." But they just keep calling back. Only the third time then they stop calling.

Maybe they deserve it? Maybe not. But I still love messing with stupid people.

Steady right?

I Love My Bug Zapper Part II

So remember last time I wrote about my bug zapper? Well I just want to say that I still think its the best damn thing in the world. Give me endless entertainment. Here's me and good ole' Shuangying, smiling for the camera:

With his first racquet endorsement, Pete had truly hit the big time.

So anyway, last night I was watching TV. There was a bumper crop of mosquitos lor. It's like they know they're gonna come and meet their doom but they just... keep... coming. Like Japanese kamikaze like that. So I've gotten quite good at zapping them now. Got a lot of practice. Check it out, I swear on my life that this is from one sitting:

Bug Zapper Trigger Hand No. 2 saluted his worthy adversaries.

Wanna see closer?

Brian's girlfriends were always impressed with his tame pet
mosquitoes who would often do tricks like play dead in formation.

Dun believe they're mosquitoes right? I show you closer some more. Notice my camera's solid macro function:

After a long day of field manouevres, the mosquito
platoon flopped onto their bed and went to sleep.

These mosquitoes ah... can make a lot of formation one. Here's their "Cluster Fuck Stance":

Left out in the open snow, the mosquitoes huddled together for warmth.

And this one I keep for next time my girlfriend's Valentine's Day card:

Brian's mosquitoes could be show-offish sometimes.

So anyway, throught the magic of video, we can now see the Shuangying Multifunction Mosquito Hitting Racket in action. Here's me making sure that the mosquitoes are really, truly dead. No camera tricks. You see the centre of the bug zapper? Halfway through the video got those little spots on them right? Ah those are the mosquitoes la. Then later when I tap the thing on the floor, you can see the dead bodies of the mosquitoes falling out if you look closely. Remember to turn on the sound ah:

Fucking cool right? I love it.

Did You Know?

That the sound that Transformers make when they transform, commonly represented as the onomatopoeia, "chee cha cheh choh choo" (or "choo choh cheh cha chee" if transforming from vehicle to robot mode) begins as an 8 hz pulse repeated five times for 0.7 seconds each repeat whose pitch can be represented by the absolute value of a declining sine wave, with each zero-to-zero arc of the wave representing one of five cycles of the repetition. The actual value of the sine wave can be modified by factor N which is multiplied into the X value but divided into the Y value, which means that although the actual pitch is largely indefinite, in analog terms when the transform pitch is higher the length of each pulse is shorter, and conversely when the pitch is lower the length of each pulse is longer.

Well now you know. Dun say I never tell you.

Marlboro Decepticon Lai Liao!

Last week my work computer got seriously fucked up. Of course the computer guys took two weeks to fix it, leaving me no choice but to buy a very sexy Macbook.

Wah this Macbook I tell you ah... Damn shiok. Can mix music, can play DVD, can take photo. And it looks so good that every time I look at it I get a boner. And best of all, can make home movie. Like this one:

Marlboro Decepticon never did feel comfortable saluting Megatron.

Steady right?

I Employ an "Ass Bartender"

So the other day C told me he saw my driver trying to park my car in the basement car park. The guy tried to reverse into an impossibly small parking lot, and bumped into another car. And then when the parking attendant already told him cannot he still die die wanna try to reverse somemore. C said he drive my car like Daytona like that. Damn bochup. Wah I hear already I damn du lan. Kanina in front of me drive until so careful, so polite call me "Sir", somemore always help me to carry my groceries. Chao cheebye behind my back use my car play bumper car.

The whole day I just don't say anything. See how long he dowan to tell me. So that same night when he fetch me home, I asked him to give me the keys and then I say, "today the car got accident or not?" Kanina only then he start to tell me... actually he wanted to tell me but don't want to disturb me during the day so he wanna wait until I come home then tell me... then say actually he know he hit the other car liao but then he selected the wrong gear so instead of moving forward, he moved back some more.

Kanina lampah understand? The story don't make sense one. I ask you: if you're already in reverse gear, and you wanna select the move forward gear, cannot be you "select wrongly" back the reverse gear right? Fucking bullshit. Chao cheebye. I hate when people bluff me.

So I give him this month and next month's pay and ask him to fuck off. Wah. He die die don't wanna take the money. At first ask me don't fire him la... His father just die la.. Got wife and kids la.. I said I already very good already. Your father die I give you money. You sick I give you money see doctor. Your daughter go school I help you pay school fees. Help her buy school uniform. Cheebye one simple thing like take care of my car properly also cannot do. Wah then he realise no hope liao. So then he try to make me feel quilty. Say he so cham. Father just die, wife got no job, daughter still so young. Say if I don't give him money that means I don't care about him la. Don't care about his family la. Wah lan eh this type of dirty trick he also use. He know that I'm damn soft-hearted one. Not this time dude. I told him fuck off.

So then the next week I go look for driver. Saw two candidates but like not very good leh. Then my security guard say her cousin can drive car. Wah this guy damn standard man. His CV is actually TYPED WITH MICROSOFT WORD one. The other drivers only use pen to write on paper. I see already I damn impressed. Then I saw his experience. Damn champion. You see la:


I zoom in for you to see:


"Ass Bartender"? What's that? Like a specialist bartender who only serves asses at the bar? Or is it like some guy who tends to gay people's asses at the bar? I like this guy man. He make me laugh. Very funny. So I say, "hahahah! I like you! Tomorrow you come to my house and drive me to work!"

So now I got new driver. He's damn scared of me after he heard my story about how I fired the previous guy. Drive the car damn fucking careful. Until don't even dare to overtake people. But who cares? His CV is damn steady.

I'm a Fucking Genius

Did you know that my IQ is 138? And that puts me in the 99.18th percentile?

That means that 99.18% of the population is stupider than me. Albeit the population of the US because the test is American. But still, that means I must be smarter than at least 98% of the whole world (including America). So assuming that the world's population is 6,602,224,175, there are an estimated 6,470,179,691.5 people stupider than me. In fact, there is a good chance that YOU might be stupider than me.

Check it. I never bluff you:



AND, last Saturday I went to karaoke, the karaoke machine scored me "91" when I sing Ji Pa Ban. Scared or not?

People Have Stupid Names

This is what happens if you name yourself after a slang word for a private part and display it to all the world on a huge wedding wreath you sent to your friend because you want to flaunt your wealth.

Wedding guests admired Ramanna and Fanny's elaborate

flower wreath which featured a life-like bust of the Indonesian god

of fertility, Cheehongdhoyono, or One Who Breathes Life Into the Womb.

Showdown!!

RRaaaarr!!!

Bank robber Bob was always particular about putting on his

glasses after his balaclava so that they would not get smudged.

So today D wanna challenge me to go kart race. I say come la! See who scared who. So we go to the go kart place. The 'circuit' is damn small. But its damn pro. Got starting grid, got pit lane, and even got starting lights that go red, amber and then green.

So anyway, first they give us balaclavas. I thought wah lan eh siao, why need to wear balaclavas? So pro meh? Five minutes later I got the answer... We gotta wear this 'protective' clothing which essentially consists of an oversized jacket with the worse possible colour combinations (seriously, its like they went to a tailor and specially asked for kok cloth colours), a plastic helmet to protect your hair from the sun, and blue durian gloves. The balaclava is actually used to prevent the leftover dandruff from the previous person using the helmet from touching your head. Also, it is used for shielding your nose from the smelly sweat smell from the jacket, which I can safely say has never ever been washed. Anyway, this is what you look like after wearing all the stuff:

Red With Green Trim Ranger and Light Blue With Yellow Trim

Ranger didn't quite make it through Power Ranger School.

So anyway, I cannot lose to D cos she will say I got no lan jiao. So I get into the kart, and the uncle says right pedal is gas, left paddle is brake, and then we're off... And its fucking fun lor. Like I feel like Initial-D like that. Slide my kart into the turn, and then power out of the curve. When you do it right you really feel damn steady. Only the track is so small you go around about 20 times in ten minutes. Until you get dizzy.

But all those nights spent watching MotoGP pay off and I lap D five times. After that she admit that I am champion but next time she'll get me. I say whatever. I still win today. With style somemore:

I really think I have the race instincts lor. Maybe if I go go karting more often, someone will spot me.

Woohoo!!

Eh check it out. I got my first hate mail. Ok la not hate MAIL. More like "hate comment" but at least its still hateful. Steady right?