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My Facebook Friend Needs Someone to Fuck Her Face

So I'm on Facebook. And I realise that there are people on Facebook who randomly add strangers as friends so that they can bump up the number of friends on their profile and look more popular.

Enter Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl:

"I'm a cute imbecile! Tee hee!"

She added me about two weeks ago. Thinking that she was probably someone that I had sex with accidentally in the past (I tend to do that a lot), I decided to add her out of pity. But then I think think think think think.. I really don't know this person leh.. And she's fucking cock. Always sending me invites to retarded applications like "Do You Like Me?" or "Am I Hot?" or "Aren't I A Cutesey Wutesey Little Bitchsy Witsey Who Needs To Be Cockslapped*"

So I had a look at her profile. It is fucking retarded. She's got something like 68 applications on her Facebook profile. I guess its supposed to make one look like an interesting person. Well guess what retard? It just makes you look retarded. I mean what kinda retard has 68 applications on Facebook?

So anyway, right at the top of the profile at the status update, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is waiting for new year day". New YEAR day? I suppose you enjoyed "Christma" morning as well huh?

Ok maybe that was just low. But then there's the applications themselves. There's the "More About Me" application which, as its name suggests, lets you answer more questions about yourself so that people know you better. Here are Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's answers. Honestly, I did not edit anything whatsoever:

About Me

Right-handed or left-handed: Right Handed

Goal you would like to achieve this year: Buy A Rolex For Myself

Do you want to go to college: i wish i could

Most embarrassing moment: alot .........

My perfect pizza: i eat anything . . . . .

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

What would you do with a million dollars: lot's of things i got to do

What can't you live without: alot

Do you sing: neh

What can't you live without: alot

My weakness: umm........

Silver or Gold: both

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

Do you play a musical instrument: nope nope. But wanted to learn

Who was the last person that called you: umm..........

Favorite candy bar: umm.........

That's real informative man. Is there anything else you can say apart from "lot's", "alot" and "umm.......". More full stops doesn't mean more intelligence you know. Fucking retard.

Also, I counted no less than three "hug me" type applications. There's "FriendHug":


As well as "Hugs" and "HugMe". Wow. What? Your friends can't online hug you enough with one application? And what kinda idiots send "hugs" online anyway? I think she needs a "cockslap me" application. Sure get a lot of hits one.

Ok and then there's the cutesy applications. Fuck. She's got this in spades man. There's "What Kinda Lover Are You?":

I'm "The Care Bear"!

Aww, aren't you sweet. You are the sensitive lover, in tune with your partner's needs and perhaps the Lifetime Channel. You care more about pleasing your lover than you do yourself, which is ironic because pleasing your partner is the only way you can please yourself. You probably own a stuffed animal.

And then, right below that, by sheer coincidence, on her "What is Your Ideal Lover" application, it says:

I need "The Care Bear"!

Oh, you poor thing. You've been hurt, haven't you? Come, cry on my shoulder. My naked, naked shoulder. You are looking for a sensitive lover, someone who can spoon with you through the next episode of Sex And the City. You want someone that cares more about the 'after' part than the 'during' part. Also, you want someone who can stay awake for the 'after' part.

SPOON with you?! I'll fucking spoon your eyes out you fucking idiot.

If that wasn't enough, she's got a "garden" with cutesy wustesy beesy weesies and butterfwies and, count 'em... nine cutesy wutesy wabbits:


There's more. She's got "Sketch Me" which, presumeably replaces your photo with a cunning computer generated "sketch". Guess what, genius? It's called an image filter and it comes with Adobe Photoshop. And it makes you look even cock-er than you do normally:

Piltdown Woman's body was almost perfectly
preserved for 3 million years in the hard arctic ice.

Hey look, look! I can make myself look like a sketch too! Tee hee! LOLZ!!!!!! :))):


Nifty huh?

And then as if its not enough, her friends are cocks too! Here's some of the things they send around to "cheer up" each other's day:



I'll give you some of my droppings if you want.

But the best part is, the other day, I went to Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's profile to see which cock has been sending all these cock applications to me. And then I noticed that she's got this application that presumably gives you an IQ test and publishes it on your profile. So on her profile, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!"

But I'm like, waitaminute, an IQ of 100 is just in the average intelligence band. Not very high on the average intelligence band in fact. So why the fuck would you show it to the whole world? So that people know that you're of lower tier average intelligence? What a loser. (I, on the other hand, totally have a valid reason to let everyone know).

So anyway, I go and show L what kinda stupid people I meet on Facebook. But the What's My IQ application is gone from Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's page! We spend about five minutes sifting through all her 68 cutesy applications but there's no "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!" leh. It was at this point when we both came to the conclusion that she probably thought having an IQ of 100 was like getting full marks for the IQ test. And then somehow she realised how far that was from reality and decided to take down the application in case people realise what an turd brain she is and don't want to online hug her anymore.

Anyway, I couldn't resist so I post on her Wall, "Guess IQ 100 doesn't mean full marks huh?" Five minutes later, she gleefully replies, "IQ 100 means almost 0 IQ ........hahahahahaha : D", thus proving the theory that L and I had. Then I asked her how come she added me to her Facebook and she goes "Good Question .............I dunno ..........hahahahaahahahaha : D".

Who, in the blue fuck, writes that many "haha"s?

She's also got tons of applications to check (and double check) if people like her. Like "Am I Hot?", "Are YOU Interested?", "Vote Me For Most Eligible Single", "Am I Popular?", "Hot Or Not" (in case you missed the first "Am I Hot" application), "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?", "Am I A Great Lover?", "Will You Kiss Me?" and "CRUSH ME" (which is, again, another variation of "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?"). Good God.

Oh and there's one other application on her profile that I think makes you do a quiz and publishes your mental age on your site. This one says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is 15 years old!". 'Nuff said.

I cannot take it. I just want to go up to her and start punching her face, ah *bsh* *bsh* *bsh*. I've been trying to remove her but there seems to be a problem with Facebook and "remove friend" just doesn't seem to work.

Fucking retard.



* There has been considerable confusion and disagreement on whether a "cockslap" refers to (a) an act of assault on another person where his cock gets slapped by the assailant or; (b) when a person has his/her face slapped by a cock. I have considerable anecdotal evidence that it is the latter.

I Am Famous

I think this qualifies me to call myself "world renowned". Someone should do a Wikipedia page on me.

Ugly People

It sometimes gets tiresome being here in Jakarta. What with the stress of waiting out the jam in my chauffeur-driven Mercedes Benz and waiting for people to make up their minds on whether they want to come into the lift or not (trust me, it is extremely infuriating).

So I pass my time by taking covert pictures of ugly people. Since there's so many around and they're too stupid to realise that they're being photographed. There's just an indescribable thrill taking photos of an ugly person and going in as near as you dare without them realising it.

Anyway, here are some of my personal best:

Derek was proud of his long nails.

This guy was grooming himself in the same lift I was in on the way up to the office. He had obviously taken great care in achieving that punk rocker look, what with the thumb ring, the black beanie, the retro shirt and the leather band bracelet. He also had grown out all his finger nails till they were all at least one inch long. If I remember correctly, he was checking his face for pimples. In front of the approximately ten people in the lift. Classy.

Then there's the fat lady in the Italian restaurant. Here she is stuffing her face with garlic bread. If you look closely, you'll see that she forgot to shave today:

Eric realised, to his horror, that the beehive was no longer in vogue.

Finally there's Indonesian Aunty With Big Hair And Flabby Upper Arms. The picture does not do her hair size justice. It was at least twice as big in real life:

Mary discussed her gang bang scene in the food court.

Am I good or what?

The Beautiful Language

So I got this weird rash on my left forearm (for a change). Like its been there a while so I decided to see a doctor. Then I realised that I don't know how to say "rash" in Indonesian. So I asked my staff. So then she said "rash", in Indonesian, is called "merah merah" which is directly translated into "red red". So I'm like, well is there another, more specific, term for "rash" cos "merah merah" just seems kinda generic. And she's like nope, you just go to the doctor and say you got some "merah merah" on your arm...

Unbelievable. What kinda cock language does not have a specific term for "rash"? So I guess the Indonsian word for diarrhea is what? "Brown brown"? Which, in Indonesian, is... waitaminute. There isn't an Indonesian word for "brown" either. The colour brown, in Indonesian, is called "coklat" or "chocolate". Which makes you wonder what word they used for "brown" before the advent of chocolate. Maybe they said "shit". Which would make "diarrhea" translate into "shit shit". Which I guess is pretty accurate.

Fucking idiots.

SPG TV

So recently I was in Bali for work. It was bad. Everyday work until half die half live. But its ok. Every night after I go back to my hotel room, they got one TV channel that always make me perk up. It's called "SPG TV". I tell you ah. This channel is damn good. Every night got a different SPG to introduce you to those place where, if you are an ang moh, sure got a lot of SPG waiting for you one. You see, I never bluff you. This particular host is called "Nina":

Nina demonstrates the correct posture for ang moh hunting.

I show you close up of the screen to prove that it's really "SPG TV":

"v" suffered from severe stage fright...

So each episode of SPG TV will show the SPG of the day go to dunno wat spa la.. or dunno wat hotel in Maldives la.. And then ride boat.. or ride jetski or go suntanning. Usually got a lot of ang mohs around. Then the SPG always say until like the hotel or spa or whatever is like gan pua nice like that. And then her voice must make until like steam steam like that, like, "oh this massage is SOOoo goOOod.. this experience is HEAvenly"... I hear already I also steam.

So I tried to look around Bali to see whether got SPG for me or not. But dun have leh. Bali seems like only got a lot of fat ang moh environmentalists. You know.. those kind of tua pui sai* who so old already but still don't have boyfriend or husband or children. Then they have a lot of cats at home to keep them company. And before they sleep they will watch TV with all their cats while they lick whipped cream straight from the can. Those type of tua pui sai (henceforth abbreviated as "TPS") ang moh woman who got nothing in their lives so they become environmentalists cos all those environmentalist groups got a lot of tasty young hunky guys for them to oggle. I show you one example. This one was trying to cut queue in front of me when we were collecting our passes:

George was constantly embarassed by Bertha who
insisted on making her presence known.

Oh ya I forgot to say that these TPSs usually like to talk very loud cos they scared that people don't notice them. I think that's where they got the phrase "throw your weight around".

After you see one TPS like this, I think you need ten hours of SPG TV just to recuperate.

* literally "big fat shit" in Hokkien.

881 in Jakarta!!!

Steady pom pi pi pi pi pi pi pi!!! Royston Tan and Big Papaya come to Jakarta for first time 881 screening! If you don't know what I am talking about, then you are chao cheebye (see previous post). Damn steady. Somemore Royston and Big Papaya did a small performance. If you look carefully at this picture, you can see Big Papaya gesturing at me to go backstage with her:

Mutant Chicken requested for the lights to be turned
down so that her eggs would not hatch premturely.

But I very paiseh. So never go with her. Girls always ask me to come with them but I always try to control. Anyway, after the movie I got to take picture with both of them:

Jimmy fervently wished that his fans would stop making him
pull those ridiculous faces when they posed with him.

I ask them where is Small Papaya but they say she cannot come leh. So sad. Auntie Ling also cannot come. Royston said they're doing a prequel of the movie. Maybe called 880. Actually I wanted to tell him that my voice is very tok kong and I can sing Ji Pa Ban so he should make me his lead actor. But he too busy leh. Never mind la. Next year 7th month getai he'll sure notice me on one.

In the meantime, who want to listen to my Ji Pa Ban, just let me know and next time I go to Singapore I sing for you.

Hokkien Songs for Dummies

Ok who haven't seen 881 better go and see now. Who never see means who is chao cheebye. Actually the movie is a bit boh liao. But the songs really make me feel my Hokkien roots.

Anyway, so I go and listen to all the 881 songs. And then I went to ross reference with the real Hokkien oldies for comparison. Then I realise actually Hokkien songs quite meaningful one. But very hard to understand because uh.. its in Hokkien, and last time my O-level Hokkien only got B3. But after listening for more than 100 times, I found that Hokkien songs are peppered with a few recurring elements. If you can master these elements, you basically can understand any Hokkien song. So in order to help promote this genre of music, I have compiled some basic ubiquitous phrases that can usually be heard in most Hokkien songs:

1. Cham. Meaning tragic, down in the dumps, unlucky, etc.. you get the picture. Every Hokkien song is cham. In the Hokkien song industry, the success or failure of your songs is almost entirely dependent on how cham the protagonist in your song is. The more cham the better. Born in a dumpster? Is your mother a beggar and your father a rubbish collector? Did you everyday fight with wild dogs for food and when you grow up already your mother sold you to a brothel for a meal ticket only to be bullied by your fellow prostitutes and later kena cancer and have to go hospital everyday, endure injections that make you drop hair and eat medicine that make you want to vomit and every night you pray to your dead parents to come and bring you to heaven to keep them company? Ah.. then you are perfect candidate for Hokkien song. There is a perfect example in Twelve Lotus Flowers by the Mingzhu Sisters, the lyrics go something like "qi cham toh teng dio si wah". Which means "the peak of cham is me", thus exemplifying the central theme of most Hokkien songs.

2. Kor lian. Kor lian means pitiful, poor thing. Slightly different from cham which usually is used in reference to a more macroscopic state of the protagonist's life. Kor lian is usually used in more intimate references. Got kor lian lotus flower, kor lian begger which nobody wanna give money to, kor lian mother whose daughter left her and never come home, kor lian 40 year old woman who kena very cham illness (see the distinction?) and alive also not like alive, dead also not like dead, kor lian scholar who kena bonded for six years and get offered a job in McKinsey but have no money to pay off the bond. The list goes on and on. There's also kor lian dai which is a variation I assume means "poor thing person". This is usually used when the characters in the song speak to each other Like when the towkay's wife decides to take pity on the kor lian beggar, she says "wah.. I see you kor lian dai.. ok la... I buy less groceries today and give you some money for you to eat lunch la".

3. Ao bu. Stepmother. In Hokkien songs, stepmothers are always bad and don't love their stepchildren. Always don't give them enough to eat, make them go out to beg for money while their real children get to enjoy big fish for dinner, next time the stepchildren grow up already make them go and become prostitute. No matter how cham your life is, if your mother is not your biological mother, your cham-ness automatically times ten. Some characteristics of ao bu are, they prefer money over their stepchildren, they like to barter their stepchildren to brothels in exchange for ridiculously cheap items (usually food-related) like meal tickets or a plate of mee kia or some cheap rice wine. Also, if you are an ao bu, you must be drunk most of the time. This is the number one rule of ao bu. If you are a self-respecting ao bu, you will go to great lengths to maintain your state of drunkedness. If not, you will be sleeping because the last defining characteristic of an ao bu is that you must be lazy. You'd rather sleep or drink than do any real work. So much so that you sponge dry your family which leaves them in the cham state that they are always in, hence, fulfilling the prerequisite state of affairs that sets the stage for a classic Hokkien song.

4. Sim tiong. Literally means "within the heart". Anything and everything that means anything in any Hokkien song is said from sim tiong. Only from your sim tiong, you can tell your girlfriend you love her. From sim tiong, a prostitute can pine for her favourite client to one day save enough money from his small Hokkien mee business to buy her out of her bondage. If you really love someone, then your sim tiong bo pak lang. i.e., there is no one else inside your heart. In the world of Hokkien song, sim tiong means everything. Even if you go downstairs to order kopi-o but you never order from your sim tiong, the kopi tiam uncle will not serve you. Conversely, if you go and see a prostitute and then you tell her that from your sim tiong, she is the only one for you, there is a good chance that she will give you free of charge. Or at least next time half price. Remember. Sim tiong means everything.

5. Huay. Flower. In Hokkien song, it is taboo to mention a girl by name. This is to protect her modesty. So a popular literary device is to use a flower as metaphor for a (usually kor lian) young girl. So there's lian huay which is lotus flower, then there's kek huay which is chrysanthemum flower, and suay huay - small flower. More modern Hokkien songs sometimes eschew mentioning the specific type of flower for brevity and resort to the less classy ah huay which can be simply translated into "Miss Flower" which, frankly, sounds slightly crass. Refering to girls as flowers allows the Hokkien song writer to extend the metaphor of the flower to the girl's life. So, in keeping with the theme of cham, the budding huay will fall to the ground and get swept away by the wind before it has a chance to bloom. In another instance, a girl tells her lover not to pick the "wild flowers" by the side of the road even though the spring wind is blowing flower petals all over the young man. Pure genius.

6. Kum cheng. Means "feeling". Perhaps somewhat analogous to the Western concept of "soul". Kum cheng can refer to the feeling of sisterhood or togetherness between two prostitutes or the true love that a girl feels for her soulmate (but usually unrequited due to the cham effect). As beautifully expressed in one of the more frequently heard songs in 881, "jit lang jit pua, kum cheng buay sua. Jit lang jit su ku, kam cheng jia eh gu", meaning "one person one half, then our kum cheng won't be scattered. One person one quarter, then our kum cheng will last long". Sheer poetry.

7. Robert Lee. If you are a brothel client, your name must be Robert Lee. This is largely because Robert Lee rhymes perfectly with "ke yi" which means "can" or "sure thing". For instance, one of the songs goes, "Robert Lee, Robert Lee, yao wo mummy ah ye ke yi" which means, "Robert Lee, Oh Robert Lee, even if you want the brothel mummy, sure thing". Robert Lee is usually described as a suave, well-dressed and rich client whose visits all the prostitutes look forward to (which calls into question why he even needs to go to a brothel, but this is Hokkien song world where logic sometimes takes a backseat). In fact, this is probably why statistically, if you were a Hokkien male born during the period of 1960 - 1970, there is a 39.8% chance that your parents decided to name you "Robert". Robert Lee is the man. You better remember that.

8. Seh kai. Meaning "the world" in general. This is usually used in the context of "yiu sek kai" or travel the world. In Hokkien song, when a poor young man dreams of having a lot of money in the future when he is washing his boss's car, he invariably dreams of yiu seh kai because this is something that only rich people do. If you're rich, you will automatically have travelled the world. It is simply a sign of affluence. In the more modern Ji Pa Ban (or "One Million Dollars"), the protagonist sings "nah si wah wu ji pa ban, wah beh jeh puay ki, wah ki yiu seh kai, Hawaii sai tai yang, ji bun jia sushiii" or "if I had a million dollars, I go and sit aeroplane, travel the world, go sun-tanning in Hawaii, go Japan and eat sushi". And in "Hang Cheng Pai" ("Times Are Bad"), the singer wonders how he can "chua kia chua boh yiu seh kai" ("bring my children and wife to travel the world") if he doesn't even have a steady job. Travelling the world is an important status symbol in Hokkien songs. If you haven't travelled the world, you are nothing.

9. Ji. Money. Having very cham lives, most Hokkien song protagonists worry about ji a lot. The stepmother in Twelve Lotus Flowers loved ji more than her stepdaughter (the "lotus flower"). Another songs laments "boh ji kai" or "no money to spend". On a happier note, in Ji Pa Ban, the singer merrily tells his friend that if he had a million dollars, "nah si li wu kiam eng ji, kui chui mian keh ki" ("if you owe someone money, just open your mouth and ask me for money, no need to be shy"). Ji makes the world go round. And its dearth is the key to the success of a Hokkien song.

So there you have it. Nine phrases you must know in order to understand Hokkien songs. Even if you can't understand most of the lyrics, just look out for these nine phrases and you can more or less guess the meaning of any song. For instance, if there is "cham" (most probably), "huay", "ao bu" and "kor lian", the song is probably about some pitiful girl who was ill-treated by her stepmother and had more or less a tragic, shitty life. Or if there is "kum cheng", "Robert Lee", "ji", and "seh kai", then it could be about a prostitute thinking about her feelings for Robert Lee who will one day come to rescue her with his money and bring her to travel the world.

Of course, I am but little more than a dilettante when it comes to Hokkien songs. You are welcome to email me or leave your comments if you discover any new Universal Hokkien Song Phrase that I should know.

In the meantime, I wish you all strike lottery and get a lot of ji so that you can donate to my MV Agusta fund. HUAT AH!!!