Woohoo!!

Eh check it out. I got my first hate mail. Ok la not hate MAIL. More like "hate comment" but at least its still hateful. Steady right?

I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Want to Watch This Movie

Ok this is like my ideal movie. It's called..... drumroll... drrrrrrRRrrRrrRrRrrrrrrRrr "PLANET TERRORRRR"!!!

"Come come ah boy, no need to scared. Auntie

got only one leg, give you half price."

It's fucking awesome. Everything I want to see in a movie. Zombies, police, army, guns, sexy girls, Osama Bin Laden, lesbians, sex, gogo dancers, zombies, sexy girls, etc.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez (all those Eurasian people all very arty one), its bundled together with Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof in a double feature called Grindhouse.

Aiyah. anyway, the story goes something like this:

There is this demented army lieutenent dude who is doing some bad evil scheme thing with some scientist when BAM! Some cock up makes this super jiat lat deadly chemical get released which makes people become crazed zombies who want to eat human flesh. So the police and army come in with their big guns and all but cannot stop the zombies.

So they all hide out in some place where for some reason some lesbians will make out but there's this super hot gogo dancer girl called Cherry whose leg gets bitten off by one of the zombies. So she limps all the way back to the safehouse where some doctor attaches a table leg to her leg stump.

Then there's the intermission where the demented lieutenant dude explains how this whole thing came about because he killed Osama Bin Laden but Osama infected them with the zombie chemical. Whatever. End of intermission.

Then the best part: Cherry decides that her table leg leg is too kok already so she replaces it with an M4A1 CARBINE ASSAULT RIFLE WITH M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER!! Then when the zombies come, she just get down on all fours but she lift up her leg like a dog gonna pang jio like that and LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS EAT HOT LEAD AND HIGH EXPLOSIVE M203 GRENADE ROUNDS!!! DRRrrRrrRrrRRRR!!! BOM BOM BOM BOM!!! DIE MOTHERFUCKING UGLY ZOMBIES!!! CHIBABOOOM!!!

Check it out, I never bluff you:

Armalite's latest incarnation of the M4 Carbine, blow up doll butt stock version.

Anyway, I'm totally gonna go buy the pirated DVD this weekend.

Wa lao. KOK.

Orrrhhh. I didn't know it's actually Zoe Tay. Paiseh paiseh.

But anyway, check out this big time discussion. Wa piang. Some extracts...

There's analytical:

"while it is true that any publicity is good publicity, i believe this has negative effect on the pill company.

1. the stir-up gotten pretty big, but how many actually remember the pill company name? a case of win the battle but lost the war

2. the after-effect. can you imagine a male colleague said this to his female colleague after seeing her buying the pills "so you swallow as well?" :P

Posted by: kp, Aug 30, 2006 11:56:16 AM"

And then there's wait-ten-years-to-use-three-big-words-in-one-sentence:

"Double entendres are good for amusing people while getting past the ignorant hoi polloi (who complain about FCUK).

Posted by: Agagooga, Aug 23, 2006 6:48:55 PM"

And of course, the voice of common sense:

"Come on you guys! I swallow is I swallow and here it is Imedeen tablets she is taking! What should she say? I eat??!

Posted by: js, Aug 25, 2006 5:23:01 PM"

Words fail me. Just go through one by one. It is a veritable buffet of kok.

Cum and Nourish Your Face

Johnson the other day show me this advertisement:


I see already straightaway steam. Somemore the girl's comment is like damn xio lor. But then Johnson explain to me that this is called "pun". "Pun" is something like I say this thing make you horny but actually its refering to something else which is not about horny things. We all Chinese say "dio dua" or like the bayees say "kena play backside". Like go out dating and the girl ask you whether want to come inside but then actually go inside is only to "talk" only. So in this case, the girl is not saying that she has good skin cos she swallow people's siao (although it is true that siao makes you have good skin). She is only saying that she eat the Imedeen then her skin become good.

This Johnson very clever. This kind of big word he also know. Anyway, I don't really understand. So I try to show Johnson my own "pun":

But he say wrong leh.

Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man

You know those people who just have to be troublesome and hold up things wherever they are? Like when they order chicken rice they must ask for boneless chicken drumstick and wings without skin? Or like if they are in a buffet, they must find and find and find the chicken drumstick while everyone is waiting behind them? Or like at Starbucks they must order the Ice-Blended Latte but must have 2% skim milk and no whipped cream but half the normal amount of syrup but put more ice and can they set the blender to slow so that the ice is crushed more evenly?

Enter Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man.

For some reason my flight was delayed for four hours. So everybody already damn sian diao already. So? Just check in first and then go to the airport bar or something lah! Noooo.. Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man must go and check with the airport counter staff what is the matter with the plane. Must ask them how much longer it will take. Then he must bring like ten thousand luggages. And must ask the counter staff whether they can increase his luggage limit. And then his passport must have some problem that the counter staff must ask their supervisors one. And then he has to check something in his bag so he gotta stand there and open his bag and let people see his underwear.

So he was like at the counter forever. And all the while I was juuust two people behind him in the queue. And behind me these two Indonesian women with like a heap of luggage on their trolley, everytime I even take a half step forward they must push the trolley riiiight until it is almost touching my foot. Like damn scared got people will cut queue. Wah lan eh dun say people ah. I think even if someone's lan jiao wanna cut the queue, he also must make sure he senang diri first before he try to get between the trolley and me lor.

So anyway, Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man finally left the counter. Then at the departure gate, he must go and join the queue first. Like if not skarli he cannot get on the plane.

And then on the plane, after the plane has taken off and the fasten seatbelt sign is off, Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man must go and take his laptop from his bag in the cabin compartment. For what? Because he want to watch DVD on his laptop. Like. Hello? Champion? From Singapore to Jakarta is like 1 hour 40 minutes lor. Take off and landing already take half an hour altogether. Eat dinner in the plane already take about another half hour. You see what movie?! See 40 minutes of the movie also shiok ah? Then of course when the plane was about to land, he gotta put back the laptop into his bag.

Then he must ask the stewardess for an extra copy of the customs form when they give out the forms in the cabin lor.

Anyway, this is Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man:

Think he was looking for people to trouble to look out for his luggage on the conveyor while he go to the toilet.

Today Is My Book-In Day

After go home for one week, tonight have to book in again. Wah lan eh damn low morale ah.

Let's review what I did the last week. In chronological order:

1. Got wasted at St James and took a picture of a fucking chio 2007 Yamaha YZF-R6:

Optimus approved of Motorcycle Autobot's efforts at being truly a 'robot in disguise' by carrying around a mannequin with him everytime he transformed into vehicle mode

2. Got wasted with some bayees in a bayee pub and proceeded to throw up on my shoes.

3. Got wasted at Robertson and took a picture with a fucking fierce Honda Civic:

"Must... Deliver.... Tao.. Huay..."

3. Got wasted with some bayees in a bayee pub and proceeded to throw up. The next day. At 4pm.

4. Got wasted at Robertson and searched very hard for a motorcycle to take photos with.

5. Got wasted in a gay bar but failed to get picked up because I was "too manly".

6. Got.

7. Wasted.

I Am Chumpion

This week got someone compliment me. Say I am no "two pump chump". So I went to check what it means:

two pump chump
t-wo-p-ump-ch-ump [tōō pŭhmp chŭhmp] n.

A person incapable of lasting for more than two pelvic thrusts during copulation, i.e. Crunk. Sploitch.

"Francis is a two pump chump... the only time he can keep it up for longer than 45 seconds is flogging his dog in the bath."

Wah lao eh. This one still need to say meh? I am HUNDRED PUMP CHUMP AH!

Zachary Disease

Apparently everyone's heard this one except me:

There was this woman who was 40 years old but had never had a boyfriend and never been laid. So her friend told her, "you go and see this Dr Sumitomo. He very good. If anyone can help you, its Dr Sumitomo."

So the woman went to see Dr Sumitomo. Then Dr Sumitomo say, "hmm... this probrem very strange. But maybe we can try to discover source of probrem. Prease, take off all crothes..."

So the woman takes off all her clothes.

"Now, prease to get on all fours, rike dog.." says Dr Sumitomo. Now the woman thinks this is a bit of a strange method of diagnosis but she thinks, anything is better than not being laid for the rest of my life, so she shrugs her shoulders and gets on her hands and knees.

Dr Sumitomo continues, "now, prease to craw away from Dr Sumitomo, reery reery fass, just rike dog..." So the woman, thinking that they're making some headway here, starts to crawl away from Dr Sumitomo.

"Now, prease to turn around and craw reery reery fass towards Dr Sumitomo, just same as rike dog.." The woman obediently does so.

So now Dr Sumitomo says he's finished his examination and tells the woman that she can put on her clothes.

When the lady comes out of the dressing room, Dr Sumitomo sits her down in front of his table. He looks solemn, "I'm fraid you have incuraber condition. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or date."

The lady is quite sad but at least she can take comfort in the fact that her inability to get a guy is through no fault of her own. So she asks Dr Sumitomo what her incurable condtion is.

"What you have, is bad case of Zachary Disease," Dr Sumitomo says gently.

So naturally, the lady asks Dr Sumitomo what Zachary Disease is.

Dr Sumitomo replies solemnly, "my dear lady, Zachary Disease is when woman have face, that rook Zachary rike her ass.."

Fucking Who?

The other day one of my friends was trying to tell my other friend about my blog. It didn't help that both were slightly tipsy and we were in a crowded restaurant.

Friend 1: This guy's got a blog. You should check it out.

Friend 2: Yeah? What's it called?

Friend 1: FuckingBS.

Friend 2: Oookay.. But that is only to be expected from him lor. What's the name of the blog?

Friend 1: It's FuckingBS.

Friend 2: Yes yes yes. You said that already. But I still want to go see how BS it is lor.

Friend 1: No no. I mean it's CALLED FuckingBS. Like Fuckingbs.blogspot.com

Friend 2: His blog's spot is fucking BS? Now I don't know what you are talking about anymore lor.

Friend 1: No no no no no.. I mean like double-U double-U double-U dot Fucking BS dot Blogspot dot Com lah!

Friend 2: Orhh... (to me) Aiyoh why you go and call your blog like that?

By which time I was already too tired watching the exchange to answer so we just got another round. I love my friends.

Wow.

This, led to this.

Fucking funny.

I Buy A Gold Watch

So I bought this gold Casio Illuminator digital watch. It's like the coolest thing in the world. Everything about it is cool. From the "Illuminator" word engraved on the watch face to the words "ten year battery" printed on the front to the greenish glow that lights up the LEDs when you press a button on the side.

Check it:

Although polio had wasted away most of Johnson's arm, he valiantly insisted on wearing his gold watch, which he could now barely keep on.

The shopkeeper obviously didn't understand what a gem of coolness he had just sold me:

Me: How much is that watch there?

Shopkeeper: Which one? The gold one?

Me: Yeah that one. How much?

Shopkeeper (sniggering to himself): Uh.. $45.

My friend (who doubts my judgement in coolness): Any discount?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. I'll let you have it for $40.

Me: Ok. Can I have a new one in the box please?

Shopkeeper: We don't have any new ones. This is the only one we have in stock. Not many people buy this model (he could have meant "no one has ever bought this watch").

Me: Oh.. ok.

Shopkeeper: (Doubtfully) Anyway, gold digital watches are in fashion now huh?

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Shopkeeper: Anyway, if too many people buy this watch, its not going to stand out lah. So best if I just keep one in stock so that not too many people will buy it.

Me: (Wondering why he is justifying the sale of the watch to me almost as if it is a cardinal sin). Uh. Yeah.

Shopkeeper: (Watching with a sort of morbid fascination as I put on the watch.) You really not paiseh one hor?

Me: Yeah. Not very often lah.

Shopkeeper: Er. Right. Anyway, er. Thanks for buying the watch...

Me: (Brandishing my new gold watch). Yup.

All the while he had this look of bemused disbelief that someone was actually buying this watch. Well I'm glad I made somebody's day. Anyway, I think it's damn fucking uber cool:

As I mentioned before, for me, style is cannot compromise one.