Indonesian Bedtime Stories

So when I first arrived in Jogja back in June, I thought I'd be extra diligent and make sure that I did everything to get my Indonesian up to scratch. So I was damn fucking on la. Went to buy Indonesian childrens' books cos I thought I could practice on them. Thing is, my Indonesian at the time was so fucked up that I couldn't even read Tom & Jerry comics in Indonesian so I just chucked them aside and forgot about them.

Now that I've just moved into my new apartment which, because its now the holy week of Lebaran and nobody goes in to work, is without TV/internet/radio/cheap prostitutes, etc. So as I was looking for something I could use to slit my wrists (I don't have any knives either), I found one of these books and started reading. And I tell you this is one fucking bad ass childrens' book man.

It's called "30 Dongeng Sebelum Tidur Untuk Anak Muslim" or "30 Bedtime Stories for Muslim Children". The wording on the cover is nice and friendly with big words in different pastel colours. So I was flipping through it when I saw this picture:

Apparently its for a story called "Zunairah Yang Teguh Dan Tabah" or "Zunairah Who Is Firm and Resolute". O-kay.. So the story is about this Arab dude called Abu Jabal who had this slave called Zunairah who was like damn pretty and served him very well and all. Then one day she decided to convert to Islam but cos Abu Jabal's more of a pagan kind of guy, he gets really pissed off and tries to order her to go back to praying to his pagan gods. And when she refuses, he like punishes her. And then the book goes on to describe in graphic detail how he ripped off her blouse and lashed her back with a big whip. Then there's a description of how the whip was like damn painful and there were like bleeding welts on her back but then she was like resolute in her faith, so she took the torture. And then the book tells in detail how this went on for several days, until her lips were like dry and bleeding but still she would not renounce her faith cos she was like damn strong and resolute. And finally the torture was so hard that it causes her to go blind. But then because God had mercy on her, so the next time the guy tortures her, the pain somehow causes the nerves in her eyes to be reconnected and she can see again. Finally some Muslim dude buys her out of her misery.

Excellent bedtime reading.

And then there's the other story with the title "Hukum Mesti Ditegakkan" or "The Law Must be Enforced" (the titles, by the way, are written in cute, friendly fonts). In this story, some chick comes to the house of some Umar bin Khathab guy to tell him that his son, Abu Salmah, had like premarital sex with her (apparently, the Indonesian word for that is "zinah") and got her pregnant. Umar is like furious with his son and questions Abu Salmah, who promptly admits that he has "sinned" and will accept his due punishment. So Umar turns from furious to proud that his son actually had the balls to admit that he slept with this girl and got her pregnant. But the Law must be upheld so Umar tells his people to tie up Abu Salmah and, guess what? Has him WHIPPED. Woohoo!!

There's even a nice picture:

AND then there's the other one about the king who lost a battle and was tortured by his enemies by being boiled alive in an earthenware pot. Excellent stuff. I can imagine a typical bedtime scene here. Mom says, "Kids, time for bed, let mommy tuck you in and read you a nice little bedtime story. Hmmm.. what shall we read tonight? How about '30 Bedtime Stories for Muslim Children'?" The kids go, "Yay!! I wanna hear the one about the unfaithful wife who slept with another guy and then got whipped and gutted before being burned alive by her husband! Please Mommy pleeeaase??..."

And I wondered why people here are weird.

Dumb Taxi Drivers II

Today the conversation with the taxi driver was much shorter:

Me: Hi, I'm going somewhere quite nearby actually. Drop me opposite the road to XXX building. I know the way so don't worry.

Driver: Oh...

(Five second pause)

Driver: Good morning.

Me: .... Morning. Just drive. I know the way.

Write in C

Someone sent me this. Only engineers and computer programmers would understand. Man I kinda wonder what it'd be like to be an engineer. Life would be so simple. Do a calculation, it's either correct or wrong. Write a code, either it works or it doesn't and you find the offending line and correct it. Now I worry about the difference between "it is likely that..." or "cannot rule out the possibility...". I guess the readily available commercial sex here kinda makes up for it. Anyway, enjoy:

"Write in C" (Sung to the tune of the Beatles' "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble
Friends and colleagues come to me
Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C

As the deadline fast approaches
And bugs are all that I can see
Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C


Chorus

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
LOGO's dead and buried
Write in C


I used to write a lot of FORTRAN
For science it worked flawlessly
Try using it for graphics! Write in C

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly
Soon you will be glad to


Chorus

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, yeah, Write in C
BASIC's not the answer
Write in C

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
Pascal won't quite cut it
Write in C

But then again, I remember how programming really sucks ass. Last time I programme in FORTRAN and C, really wanna vomit blood when I see the fucking error message. Oh well. Hot prostitutes it is.

Taxi Drivers Are Stupid

Every morning I have to go to my office which is like a 15 minute walk away but because I'm a wimp and don't want to get mugged, I take a taxi. Anyway, taxi drivers are damn dumb boy. Because I want to avoid the traffic jam, I usually stop on the side of the road opposite my office and take the overhead bridge across. If the driver were to drop me right at my office, he'd have to make one big round and waste like half an hour in the jam. But the fucking drivers just simply cannot understand that I want to be dropped opposite my office. Typical morning conversation (in Indonesian):

Me: Morning, can you take me to near the Indian Embassy in Kuningan? But don't go inside the Embassy. I'll direct you from there. (I figure it's easier to give them information in small bits so that they can process it in their tiny brains - first I tell them go to the Indian Embassy which is near where I want to get off and then I direct them from there).

Driver: Err.. Right. (Gives me a I'm-not-sure-what-this-guy-is-saying-but-I'll-just-pretend-I-know-and-play-it-by-ear-because-I-don't-want-to-look-stupid kinda look. Obviously he's thinking, "go to the Indian Embassy but DON'T go in? So does this guy want to go to the Indian Embassy or does he want to go somewhere else? Nevermind. I'll just pretend that I'm supposed to go to the Indian Embassy.")

Me: (Striking up a friendly conversation to gently socialise the driver to the idea that I don't want him to stop at the Indian Embassy but continue on after that) Actually I'm going to this office building near the Indian Embassy, not actually to the Indian Embassy. The building's called XXX. But I want to avoid the jam so I want to get off on the side of the road opposite my office and cross the overhead bridge. You know how bad the jam is at this time.

Driver: Oo.. kay.. (blank look)... Briiiidge. Indian... Embassy...

Me: Yeah go near to the Indian Embassy first but don't go inside. (We approach the junction to the Indian Embassy.) You turn right at this junction to go to the Indian Embassy. Yeah. Right. Here. Yeah turn right now. But don't go inside the Embassy compound. Just go RIGHT past it and I'll direct you after that.

Driver: Indian... Embassy..

Me: Yeees.. Indian Embassy. But... don't... go.. inside... I actually want to stop on the side of the road opposite XXX building.

Driver: (Slowing the taxi along the entire stretch of houses outside of the entrance to the Indian Embassy). So.. Indian Embassy is along this stretch.

Me: Yes I know. You don't have to slow down because I'm... not... going... to... the... Indian... Embassy. Just go straight past the Indian Embassy and on to the main road where you turn left.

Driver: So, don't turn into the Indian Embassy. (Accelerates slightly past the Indian Embassy but obviously unsure of whether he was supposed to turn in because he looks forlornly back at the Embassy entrance.)

Me: Yes. Thaaaat's right. Go past the Embassy like what you're doing now..

Driver: But you know that was the Indian Embassy right?

Me: Ye-es I know. But you didn't have to turn in because I want you to turn left at this junction coming ahead now. (He can only turn left anyway because its the main road). After that, just drop me at the bridge (ok I'll admit that I don't know the Indonesian word for overhead bridge but there's only one fucking bridge there so which one other than the overhead bridge?)

Driver: Turn left...

Me: Yes. And you see the bridge in front of you? Just drop me at the foot of the bridge.

Driver: Uh.. bridge?

Me: Yeah the one that's coming right up. See? This one. Briiiiiiiidge... For peeeeooooople... Bridge for people to walk. You know bridge? Bridge that is across the main road. But bridge which have no car on it. Bridge which is for people. People who want to get from one side of the road to the other side. Overhead bridge (in English, hoping against all hope that he can understand). Just drop me beside the bridge.

Driver: Bridge...

Me: Yeah this one. That's about to pass by us now.

Driver: We just passed the Indian Embassy.

Me: Forget about the Indian Embassy. I want you to drop me here beside the bridge.... Stop... Stop here. Stop now. Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop. Yeeees... that's right. Stop here. Here. Riiiight HERE. (I pay the guy).

Driver: But your change...

Me: Just... Don't worry about it. (Slam the door).

And this happens almost on a daily basis.

My Hotel Room Cleaner Has OCD

That's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's like you know that detective show "Monk" where the main character has this mental problem where he cannot tahan if if anything in his surroundings are out of place? I mean, I know hotel staff are supposed to clean up your room and make sure everything is neat but check out these pictures. This was in my bathroom:

Notice the way the two energizer batteries are positioned so that the "Energizer" word is facing the same way? Like army inspection right?

And then this one is of the stuff on my desk. See how she folded my orange spectacle cloth neatly? And then she arranged the three coins in a row according to denomination. The one on the left is Rp500 whereas the two thinner ones on the right are Rp100s (I bumped into the table so they're not in a perfect straight line anymore at the time I took this photo).

Fucking hell. Where do they get these people?