I'm Going to Buy a Bike Licence

I've decided to take advantage of the glorious benefits of being in a country where anything goes if you have the dough. Singapore I cannot ride big motorcycle right? Fuck you. I just BUY a full motorcycle licence here lor. You don't even have know a "guy". Just make an appointment with the traffic police station, pay, get your photo taken, and they hand you your licence in an hour. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Next stop, to the "orphanage".

World's Chio-est Indian

Wah lan eh look at this:

1974 Fully restored Indian Chief. And it's on eBay. The current bid is US$16,709.90 (I don't know why they bother with the $9.90). And apparently, shipping for distances over 2501km (say from is from Haysville, KS, USA to Jakarta, Indonesia) is only from US$850 to US$1150.

Not bad right?

I Become a Rich Prick II

Tomorrow I'm going to interview a potential candidate to be my driver. What the fuck does one say in an interview for a driver? I came up with these questions:

(i) What cars have you driven before?

(ii) Are you prone to road rage?

(iii) If there's a riot and the rioters are out for rich Chinese blood, will you save me?

(iv) What are your hobbies?

(v) Paper or bucket? (See previous post - this can be quite important for the maintenance of my leather seats)

I can't think of what to ask. Think I'm getting nervous.

Last Day at School

Here're some pictures of my last day at the language school. They made me be the MC for one of their functions because I could speak both Indonesian and English and insisted on dressing me up so that I would look more presentable.

Look like a cock but was strangely exhilirating when the guy who was dressing me up was adjusting the miniskirt thing around my waist.

Responsible Indonesian Media

The Indonesian press think of themselves as the Fourth Estate. They say they want to become a check on the government because now, after Soeharto was overthrown, they have better media freedom so they have more credibility. Credibility my lan jiao ok. The other day I was reading newspapers. It said one of Megawati's party members wanted to persuade her to run for the next presidential elections with Soeharto's daughter as her vice presidential candidate. One of the reasons he gave was that "it is now the era of Aquarius" and Aquarius is "favourable to women".

Fuck man. Like that also can.

Valentino Rossi Only 12 Points Behind Nicky Hayden

Hahahahahahaha!!! Today I watch MotoGP. Loris Capirossi start from pole, Valentino Rossi start from second place and Marco Malendri start from third. Nicky Hayden, who is the current leader in the table start from behind. The three in the front row all start very well. Capirossi leads, Malendri second and Rossi third. Nevermind. Still early in the race. Rossi still can overtake Malendri and reach Capirossi for first place.

But then the cheebye Malendri made a bad turn and slowed down Rossi. So in the end, walaupun Rossi could overtake Malendri, Capirossi was too far ahead for him to catch. So Rossi got 20 points instead of 25. Still not so bad cos Hayden is in 7th place so he only get a few points. But then at the last minute, Shinye Nakano, who was in front of Hayden crashed so Hayden gets bumped up to 6 place. Fucking cheebye. But anyway, by the end of the race, Rossi was only 12 points behind Hayden. So its quite possible that in the next race, Rossi can become the table leader. But it'll be a damn close fight lah. But ok lah. At least got chance. Eh. Rossi already win the world championship 7 times already leh. Don't now lose the championship to Nicky Hayden leh.

Anyway, I see MotoGP I also feel like damn itchy to ride motorcycle again. But here how to ride? If you ride moto here, you either (i) die from air pollution; (ii) get squashed to death in between two cars in the traffic jam or (iii) get kidnapped and sodomised if you are Chinese because on a bike, people can grab you easily. So I guess next time if I go back Singapore I will get this bike, buy a set of leathers and go for track days at Johor Pasir Gudang circuit:

Ah you think damn nice damn oo seh right? Actually this bike is an Aprilia RS125. So it's only 125cc. To give you a better idea, unless you're a fucking pussy, only 600cc and above is considered a proper race bike. So this bike is really something like Mr Bean's three wheeled car next to, say a Subaru WRX.

Why don't I buy a bigger bike? Why ah? BECAUSE THE FUCKING SINGAPORE LAW IS DAMN CHEEBYE LAH! For those of you who don't know, in Singapore, after you pass your first bike exam, you are only allowed to ride bikes up to 200cc. Then, after a year, you are allowed to take another test afterwhich you will only be allowed to ride bikes up to 400cc. And then, if you haven't migrated because of the absurdity of it all, you are allowed to take another test no less than a year later which will entitle you to ride any bike you want.

And by the way, before you take the tests, you have to take lessons from ah beng bike instructors with about three braincells* and purposely fail you for each lesson so that you will have to come back for more lessons and they make more money out of you. I swear this is true. This is Comfort Driving Centre. Remember the name. Comfort Driving Centre. They are cheebyes. The CEO is unflatteringly named "Huam Chak Koon".

The supposed rationale for this ruling is supposedly to restrict new bikers to smaller bikes so that they cannot go so fast and become a road hazard. My lan jiao ok. When I was riding my lousy150cc Honda, I still can go up to 160km/h. And somemore bikes with smaller cc are more unstable cos they are so light. So last time when I rode my bike, if the road is wet, even if I go damn slow, I still always skid because the bike isn't heavy enough to put enough weight onto the road. Like you push a shoebox and you push a brick. Of course the brick harder to push because it's heavier and can exert a larger frictional force on the floor right? Fucking bullshit.

No. I have a different theory. I think it's because those people who can make the decision to change the motorcycle regulations are scared that us cool bad boy bikers will steal their girls. Cos they drive pussy cars like the Audi A6. And everybody know that girls would rather ride an MV Agusta F4 1000R (at least the ones that give good blow jobs). Also, its a well known fact that girls prefer to ride on motorcycles because the effect is similar to what is known as a "Sybian".

* One of my first lessons, I foolishly asked the instructor why you need to check only your right blindspot when you turn right at a junction but have to check both your left and right blindspot when you turn left. His answer: "aiyah so easy. Because one is turn right and one is turn left mah. You turn right of course check your right blindspot lah! Then if you turn left you check your left side and your right side mah. Correct or not?" I swear I wished that Lee Chee Chew would appear behind him and fuck his ass like the faggot he is.)

Fucking Hell

Wa lan eh first week in the office and got so many arrows already. Fucking busy. Pang sai also got no time. And then got so many secure doors like macham bank vault like that. Want to go toilet also must go through three doors.

And Indonesians have no concept of personal space. The lift in the office is damn slow so its always like fucking crowded. And then when the lift is obviously already full some fucker will try to squeeze inside. The other day got one guy press his ass so close to me like want to feel my dick like that. And the best part is, when people get out of the lift at their floors, the people inside the lift don't have the cow sense to move into the empty space. So there's like this empty space in the front of the lift but everybody is still squashed in the back. Fucking koks.

The Way Childrens' Books Should Be

I got this from here. Mommy's moaning because she has to pay twice the peak hour surcharge in the taxi to go to the bar and when she gets there she can only smoke in a yellow box like last time in army like that before the op.

Holy Shit

Wow. I just realised that I'm sharing the same blog template with this guy. What's "Ephraim" supposed to mean anyway? Something to do with smiting?

I Go to Motorola to Repair My Phone

So the other day I went to the Motorola service centre to repair my phone (which didn't go too well by the way). Then in front of me I saw this:


Now if we just zoom and enhance the image...

"Is it a bit drafty in here darling?"

Woohoo!! Shiok right? When you look at it don't you just have to fight the urge to put your finger down it and wiggle? It's like one of those things you know you shouldn't do but can't help thinking about.

Final Exam (Slight Return)

So last Friday was my final exam. Most kok exam I have ever done. Seems like my teachers are afraid that I will fail or only pass with mediocre grades because if that happens, we will stop sending people to their school and they'll lose a huge source of income (yeah, they fleece us).

So anyway, reading exam. One week before the exam, the reading teacher tells me very matter-of-factly that the topic for the exam will be about Singapore's development of Batam. Pretty much like one of the passages we read a week earlier. She suggests that I can go through the passage one more time. Right. Two days before the reading exam, she says she wants to go through the passage one more time before the exam, "just to check" if I am familiar with the "terminology". On the day of the exam, I find that the reading comprehension passage is just a simplified version of the passage she made me read earlier. What's more, during the exam she's reading a huge newspaper so she can't see me. Since there's a word I'm not sure of, and she can't see, I sneak a peek at my electronic English-Indonesian dictionary. No sweat.

Then there's the grammer exam. Three days before the exam the teacher gives me a "pre-test" to "check" my standard. Then on the day of the exam, he hands me the paper and says "if you have any words you don't know, feel free to ask me". First time I kenah exam where you can ask the teacher if you don't know the words.

After that was the vocab exam. Apart from choosing the topics for the exam beforehand, the teacher comes into the class, hands me the paper and says "I'm going to go out and run some errands for a while. I might come back but IF (widens eyes) I don't come back, you can just hand in the completed paper to the secretary in the office." And he grabs all his stuff and walks quickly out of the class. Fuck it. I use the dictionary again. But only for the words I don't know la. I'm not totally dishonest.

And then lastly is my writing teacher. I write my essay and the teacher corrects it immediately. After reading through it and circling a few grammatical errors, he asks me, "so what grade you want me to give you?"

Personally I take it as a personal insult that all my teachers don't have enough confidence in me to trust that I can pass the exam without their help. But then who cares? I got an A.