I Am Not Pak Jafar

So apparently my mobile phone is using a recycled number that used to belong to one "Pak Jafar". How do I know this? Because I keep getting calls from people asking for Pak Jafar. This Pak Jafar ah.. I tell you. He must be either one damn champion philanthropist or some loan shark lor. Everyone asking him for money. Got one say the daughter gonna go to school need money lah... another one say the mother gonna die need money lah... And the best thing about these fucking idiots is, they are incapable of understanding that I am not Pak Jafar. Fucking idiots. Here's a typical conversation (and this is all translated from the original Indonesian by the way):

Caller Number 1: Hello Pak Jafar.. How's it going?

Me: Sorry this is the wrong number. There is no Pak Jafar here.

Caller Number 1: Huh?

Me: I am not Pak Jafar.

Caller Number 1: Uhh.. Why?

Me: I don't know. Maybe he cancelled his number.

Caller Number 1: Can I speak to Pak Jafar?

I hang up.

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This is only a typical call. These idiots are incapable of understanding what I am saying. I'm sure it can't be my Indonesian because, seriously, how many wrong ways are there to say "wrong number" anyway? No. I think people are just stupid. My theory is that their brains are like 286 computers. So before they make the call, they already hard wire into their brains that they are going to talk to Pak Jafar. So that they can free up as much processing power to use on their conversation with Pak Jafar (cos there's not all that much to use anyway). So when I turn out to be NOT Pak Jafar, their tiny 286 processors cannot handle this unprecedented situation ("I called Pak Jafar... but the person who answer is NOT Pak Jafar?... Terminal error... Not within system parameters"). So they become like the more old fashioned car assembly robots when there is no car in place. The computer just plays out the algorithm anyway and the robot continues to bolt on doors to a non-existent car frame. Or continues to spray the paint into empty space. You get the picture. Pak Jafar's friends are no brainiacs.

Here's another illustrative example. I have, to the best of my abilities, tried to reproduce this conversation exactly the way it was without embellishments. Notice how Caller Number 2's conversation does not correspond in any way to my responses:

Caller Number 2: Eeeehhhhh.. helloooo Pak Jafar!! How's it going!!??

Me: Sorry wrong number. There is no Pak Jafar here.

Caller Number 2: Huh?

Me: You got the wrong number.

Caller Number 2: Ah? (286 processor working overtime now.) Ooooh ya.. How's it going Pak Jafar? This is Jusuf.

Me: You got the wrong number. I don't think Pak Jafar uses this number anymore.

Caller Number 2: Oooh.. ya ya.. (long pause)... So how's everything? I'm in Jakarta now Pak.

Me: Fuck you mother cheebye! (in English/Hokkien)

I hang up. His 286 is obviously incompatible with my Quad Core processor.

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Then there are those who understand what's going on but insist on finding out the truth about Pak Jafar:

Caller Number 3: Hello Pak Jafar. How are you?

Me: I'm afraid you got the wrong number. I don't think Pak Jafar uses this number anymore.

Caller Number 3: Oh? Then who's this?

I tell him who I am and what organisation I work for.

Caller Number 3: Where is this?

Me (feeling the need to take a piss, I get up to walk to the toilet): This is in central Jakarta. Does it really matter?

Caller Number 3 (sounding more aggressive and suspicious): How come you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: I don't. I bought this phone new. I think the number must have been recycled.

Caller Number 3: Why are you using Pak Jafar's phone number? Who are you?

Again I tell him who I am and explain why I have Pak Jafar's phone number. By this time I have reached the toilet and I really need to stop talking to this idiot and pee.

Caller Number 3: Where are you now?! Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: I'm in the toilet, on the XX floor, in XXX building, on XXX road.

Caller number 3: Tell me who you are.

Me: (Unzipping my trousers) I told you already. (I tell him who I am again).

Caller Number 3: Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?!

Me: Well as I said just a minute ago, I am using a brand new SIM card on a brand new phone. I don't know Pak Jafar and I certainly did not take his phone. You see these telco companies sometimes find it more economical to re-use old telephone numbers and not come up with new numbers. After all, if they kept coming up with new numbers, telephone numbers would just get longer and longer. So you can see the logic in recycli-

Caller Number 3: Who are you? Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone? Where are you now?

Me: Sorry. Give me a minute. (Place the phone on top of the urinal and turn the phone to speaker mode).

Caller Number 3: Who is this?

Me: *pisssssssssssssss*.......

Caller Number 3: Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: *pisssss*...

Caller Number 3: Where are you located now?

Me: *pisss*.... *piss* *piss* *piss* *tinkle* *tinkle*..

Caller Number 3: Who is this?! Wha?

Me: *shakeshakeshakeshakeshake*.. *zip* (pick up the phone). Hello? Hello?

The guy hung up. Don't say I wasn't trying to be helpful. Notice that his 286 processor, faced with an unfamiliar situation, opted to loop his "query identity/query ownership/query location" functions? Interesting how the primitive human mind works isn't it?

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Then there are times when I get damn du lan with these people and just play along with them. This one is on SMS:

SMSer Number 1: "Greetings Pak Jafar. Hope everything is well. I was wondering if you would be able to help me with something. My mother is seriously ill and we need Rp30 million for her medical bills. Would it be possible for you to help out?"

Me: "Yeah sure."

SMSer Number 1: "That's wonderful Pak Jafar. Thank you for your generosity. When can we have the money?"

Me: "Tomorrow."

SMSer Number 1: "Sure Pak Jafar. Where should I meet you?"

Me: "Plaza Semanggi."

SMSer Number 1: "Ok Pak. What time?"

Me: "10am. Come alone."

No response. Half an hour later I get a call. I'm in a bar in Singapore at this time so, not only is there loud raunchy music blarring in the background, the caller is having to pay about two dollars a minute for the overseas call. Even the music is not enough to convince them that I am not Pak Jafar. They call back two times and I explain patiently (a bit more patiently than normal since I don't have to pay the long distance charges). Each time they say "oh.. ok thanks." But they just keep calling back. Only the third time then they stop calling.

Maybe they deserve it? Maybe not. But I still love messing with stupid people.

Steady right?