On my way home just now, I saw two Indonesian dudes on a a cool-looking scooter-bike thing. As I did a double take, I realise that the thing wasn't working and they were kinda paddling their feet on the road to get out of the way of traffic. On even closer inspection, I noticed the word "Cagiva" on the bike.
It reminded me of the 125cc Cagiva Planet that the fucking cheebye scum-of-the-earth-take-your-money-and-don't-care-whether-the-bike-they-sell-you-has-brakes-that-work-and-if-you-die-on-the-road-then-tough AS Phoon sold me (by the way, they have quite a big branch along Changi Road. The address is 399 Changi Road, Singapore 419846. If you are my friend you will research the internet, build a car bomb and drive it straight into their workshop, blowing the fuckers into Kingdom Come. But I'll also settle for you bagging up your pee into water bombs and doing a drive-by assault every other weekend). I swear, the first night I brought that piece of shit home and turned it off, it wouldn't start again, thus launching a long drawn-out Me vs The AS Phoon Bastards campaign where I tried to get a refund for the bike and ended up having to settle for paying them $500 and buying another (fucked up) bike from them. I am deadly serious when I say that they are dishonest motherfuckers who will blatantly tell you that a bike is "supposed to be like that one" even if it refuses to start and the wheels are about to fall off.
Anyway, this is what a 125cc Cagiva Planet looks like:
Pretty cool right?...
WRONG
The Cagiva Planet is one of the lousiest excuses for a bike that I have ever seen. According to an accredited Cagiva technician in Singapore, the fact that it is nigh impossible to put the gears into neutral is not a design or manufacturing fault. Rather, it is a special "characteristic" of the bike. The charitable view would be that its designers figured a puny 125cc would not be truly Italian unless it had some temperamental 'quirk' which would drive its owner to rabid, bike-smashing insanity if not for its achingly sexy lines. The uncharitable view, on the other hand, eludes me because my command of Hokkien is lacking.
Seems like Cagivas the world over are pieces of shit.
As for Mark of AS Phoon, Changi Branch, who knowingly sold me a one, I will hunt you down, break your limbs, gouge out your eyes, disembowel you and make you eat your intestines and then leave you to be sodomised by Lee Chee Chew, afterwhich I will find out where you live, burn down your house and extended family. Pets included.
May Santa Claus put dogshit in your girly fishnet stockings for every Christmas the rest of your life.
