Sell Bike Again

This bike damn steady. Serve me two years but now I'm always overseas so cannot ride her.. I'm sure she is lonely too.. So gotta sell. I hope she find a good owner..

I Sell Fuel Cells By the Sea Shore

Buyashaka!

Thought I die already right?

I tell you ah.. I fucking busy ok... Quit my job la.. But gahmen dun wanna pay my last month salary so gotta become like loan shark and pester them. Then got people owe me $3000 la (I tend to refer to him as $3000 man) and beg me for more time la... and I gotta threaten him... (My life like revolves around people owing me money hor?) And then now I gotta start studying again la... Damn fucking blur..

But my research like quite steady one leh. Work on fuel cells for space robots ah... wah lan eh.. fucking cheem man. I see already also gong..

Right now only make toy car only. I show you picture:

Team Fuel Cell Racecar demonstrated a
spectacular lack of aerodynamics knowledge.

So anyway, this thing uses the solar panel to generate electricity to produce hydrogen and oxygen in the water tank, which is then used as fuel for the fuel cell to generate electricity which then drives the motor.

I know you must be asking yourself - why so kam lan? Just use the solar panel to power the car cannot meh? Ah.... then I ask you.. night time how?!... Rainy day how?... Cannot run right?! That's why day time we use the solar panel to create fuel.. Then night time go chiong that time then use your fuel cell... Understand or not, Ah Boy?

Aiyah but still not used to studying leh. And I also realise that student life is a bit cock. The other night was someone's birthday and then when they make him down his drink, they all started chanting his name. Fucking cock.. Like macham frat boy house like that. And worse is all the bars in the college only got beer and wine. How to tahan?!?!

Anyway, if you all got time come and see me. I three weeks never scold "cheebye" already. Two more months I think I'll be reduced to saying "fuck you".

So come here and let me practice on you, you cheebyes...

I Very Sad

Fall in love already but must part so quickly. Pain ah.. What to do. Who ask me so smart get a place to study PhD at MIT? Now must sell my beloved Aprilia RS-125 (whose name, by the way, is Mussolini).

Now must post it for sale online. But online website don't have image hosting leh. So host here lor. Anyway, I put here also to let you all see my bike. So chio... The more I see the more sad I am...

Jin Jing for President of China

Wah lan eh China is damn steady.

They all know that anywhere which got their Olympic torch confirm there will be protest about Tibet. So what to do? Chinese Soft Power lai liaaaoo!!! Just arrow all those chio but vulnerable-looking "athletes" to be the torch bearers lor. So simple. Even Chen Shui Bian also can tell you that.

By doing this, China set itself up for a win-win-win situation. Damn steady. If there are protesters, once they see that the Olympic torch is held by some vulnerable-looking chio bu, confirm they won't try to do anything funny one. China win! Then even if they try to take the torch, wah lan eh everyone see the photos already will think that those protesters who try to take the torch from those chio bus are bastards lor. China win again! And the last win? China bring the torch around the world is actually their road show for their export of foreign talent. "Athletes"? Ya... but all of them only know how to play shot put and javelin. Score one win for China products! Hahahahaha!!!

But anyway, this time round, the best win is scored by Chinese paralympic "athlete" Jin Jing. Her right leg kenah amputate last time so become "paralympic athlete". Those Chinese are one kinky bunch man! You see her photo here. Wah lan eh... Tell me you don't want to let her hold your Olympic torch?!:

Anyway, Jin Jing kenah assaulted by some pro-Tibet protester. I know they all have some dunno what human rights issue la. But they really damn boh seh lor. Try to snatch the Olympic torch from some poor helpless (and chio) Chinese "athlete"?! Wah lan eh... What kind of people are these? Fucking Conan the Babarian ah? Jia sai... Anyway, here's a few picture of the poor Jin Jing, valiantly protecting the Olympic flame from those evil protesters:



Damn cham right? The poor disabled (but chio) Chinese girl, selflessly protecting China's glory from those bastard protesters who know nothing about China. Bastards. Here is a picture of Jin Jing after the attack:

Damn steady right? I see already, I also imagine that that is actually my "Olympic torch" that she is hugging (actually, seems like it is about the right size. Only a little bit too skinny).

Jin Jing damn steady. She is so steady that I composed a cheer for her:

Chinese Athletes Number One
by Jimmy Lee Kalimantan

Chinese athlete number one!

Put my lan jiao in their cunt!

If others try to interfere,

Chinese athlete fuck their rear!

~0~

Jin Jing, Jin Jing we love you!

Make that protester look like a fool!

They think their moral ground so high,

KAN NI NA BEI CHAO CHEEBYE!!

Steady right?

.

L's House is Gross

So I stayed in L's house the last week before I left Jakarta. L and A are very nice. Like my papa and mummy like that. But I tell you ah... if my papa and mummy's house is like theirs, I fucking run away long time ago liao! This is because, L and A's house, the rice got WEEVILS!!!

Wah lan eh damn shiok you see already you also sure wanna eat. This is the rice bin:

See those black black things? Ah those are the weevils lor. This is what they look like close-up:


Damn nice right? These fuckers apparently start out as eggs which their mummy and daddy weevils hatch inside the rice grains. Then after they hatch, they just live their whole lives inside the rice bin. Really. It's like being born inside a Swensens All You Can Eat Buffet. So everyday they just eat the rice grains, then fuck, then hatch their baby weevils into the rice grains and then their baby weevils grow up and have more sex and have more baby weevils. Until there can come a day when there are more weevils than rice grains. Damn nice right? Here's a closer shot:

And here's one even more close-up shot, with the lid off so you can experience the ful weevilly goodness:

But I'm sure you must be thinking, "but Jimmy, those could just be chocolate rice what. How do I know you never bluff me?" This is where the magic of video comes in handy:



Shiok right?

But I tell you ah... This type of weevils ah.. best is feed to my Venus Flytrap:


Cute right?! I call him Veeny. It actually really eats flies. And after it finishes with the flies, it will pui out the dried flies. Like this:

But I dare not feed Veeny the weevils. Skarli kenah heartburn.

Camo Pants and Ah Kua Bags

Ok so recently me and P went to Bangkok for holiday. Well actually it was me on holiday. P was there mostly for work and to let me use his hotel room for free. I was basically like his secret mistress like that. Then when he go to work I just go shopping ah, suntanning ah, massage ah... Then at night he come back I ask him how his day went. It was a good life.

Anyway, we notice that there appear to be two different tribes of people in Thailand. There's the White Tribe, with their white skin, delicate features, nubile bodies. P astutely observed that he had yet to see a White Tribe girl with fat legs. Their stronghold is in the north, called Chiang Mai, a place of plenty and where the people live in harmony. There are endless acres of fertile green fields and their ruler is a High Queen, fair and just. They defend their land with courage and honour. Here are a few examples:






Ok you get the idea right? That's White Tribe. Basically you see already is *bsshhhhh* kenah nosebleed one.

Then there's the Black Tribe, who come from the south. As their name suggests, they have dark complexion and more... uh... simian features. Again, some examples. RAAARRRR!!!:








Yep... You don't wanna run into a Blackie in a dark alley. Their headquarters is apparently in the south where the sun is always hidden by putrid dark clouds and there are hordes of Blackies toiling in the iron mines while others are busy working in the forges banging away at red hot steel, crafting wicked-looking weapons for the army that they are secretly amassing for the final assault on their hated foes, the Whities, cowardly hiding in their ivory towers in Chiang Mai. In the unspeakable Black Tribe stronghold in the south, you can find all manner of ungodly creatures. There, they have what seem like huge war elephants, three times as large as normal elephants but with sharp carnivorous teeth. And the Black Tribe sorcerers are always trying to cook up some potion for their evil king to take so as to let him live longer ang longer. Apparently ang mohs like to hook up with Black Tribe girls because they find them more 'exotic' (read: good BJ lips).

Our guess was that Bangkok is like the middle ground where an uneasy truce exists between the Black Tribe and the White Tribe since the Blackies were beaten back to the south in the last Great War. But even in Bangkok, you can find exquisite shopping centres with all the posh brands where most of the shoppers are White Tribe women (this was where we spent a lot of time). And then there are other more dodgy 'hoods where most of the people are Blackies and they will try to sell you drugs and push their women on you. All very interesting. The tragedy of racial division in Thailand.

Anyway, we went to Chat-Tu-Chat market where there's all sorts of stuff. Somehow Chat-Tu-Chat makes people get this disease. I call it the Must-Get-________-Disease. If you get the Must-Get-________-Disease, you are siao liao. You will have this irresistable urge to buy a certain item and will roam Chat-Tu-Chat endlessly until you find whatever it is that you are looking to buy.

P kenah the Must-Get-Camo-Pants-Disease. Camo pants are basically pants/berms which have camo pattern. This is what they look like:


Which actually seems quite easy to find right? But nooo.... the first camo pants that caught P's eye had MARPAT camo. As I explained to P, MARPAT is the new US and Canadian military camouflage. Apparently there's like a lot of research put into this. And, apparently, US and Canadian scientists have found that by making the camo patterns look like Tetris Block Build Game, its harder for the enemy to see you. Here's what a MARPAT camo pattern looks like:


And here's the exact same pair of MARPAT camo berms that P was looking for:


I tell you ah... P was like a rabid dog man. Running all over Chat-Tu-Chat looking for his MARPAT shorts. But ALL the stores in Chat-Tu-Chat either don't have this pattern or don't have his size or were trying to sell the pants at like super-exhorbitant prices! In the end we had to eave Chat-Tu-Chat without the MARPAT shorts. I only realise how desperate for the camo shorts P was when about 4 nights later I went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night and saw a pair of camo shorts on the table. After I had gone to sleep, P had been gone out to one of the roadside stores to look for a pair of camo shorts in the middle of the night! So he finally had his camo shorts. Although they were not MARPAT camo shorts.

For me, I kenah the Must-Get-Ah-Kua-Bag-Disease. But mine was a milder case. For your info, an Ah Kua Bag is those really really big bags that only fashionable guys carry. They look like Auntie Bags but there is apparently a very subtle difference (which I am not too sure about myself). Anyway, if you carry one, although other guys will think that you are a faggot, you confirm will get a lot of hot chicks one. Check it:


I tried my best to look for one. But most of them looked more like Auntie Bags leh so I didn't get one.

Anyway, fabulous Bangkok. Damn steady. Next time must go back there again.

Must.... get.... Ah... Kua.... Bag......

I Sell My Car and Get a Shitload of Cash

So I sold my silver Mercedes Benz C180 Kompressor recently. I'm really cut up inside to have lost such a gorgeous car. Some good memories in there (had the leather seats cleaned twice at the buyer's request... seriously.. some people..).

So to cheer myself up, I had the car dealer pay me in cash. Here's what Rp137,000,000 looks like in denominations of Rp100,000 and Rp50,000.

With the help of a wad of notes from the latest drug bust, Inspector Teo

demonstrated to the media the painful process by which the syndicates'

drug runners concealed the merchandise on their body.

I thought he'd have to bring it in a suitcase like in the movies but this would probably hardly fill a large lunch box. I actually really wanted him to bring it in Rp1,000s but figured it might have been too much trouble to count all of it.

Itchy Backsides

So I just had dinner with L and A. Beside our table got one Indonesian family eating dinner. Wah on the table got one woman got a really itchy backside. The whole dinner she scratch and scratch and scratch. Some more she scratch is not like a bit a bit one. Hers is FULL ON scratching action. Like reach real deep so that you can reach your asshole that kinda scratching. Steady. I admire women like that. Got balls. Check it:

Sometimes Emily's wedgie fetish was too hard to resist

and she would relieve it at the most awkward moments.

Here's another picture. This time she was really getting into it:

Michelle cheated at poker by cunningly using the wormhole in
her anus to access extra cards that she hid in her hotel room. It
also had the added benefit of generating quantum deterministic
causality effects that distorted the surrounding space-time
continuum which blurred out the security cameras and
prevented them from catching her in the act.

Damn shiok. I see her scratch I also feel like scratching. But I paiseh.

Batman, Son of Superman

My friend send me this picture. Just because "Robin" is a legitimate ang moh name, doesn't mean that "Batman" is.

Apart from having picked a ridiculous name, young Sudrajat didn't realise that

the birth date on his fake ID still rendered him too young to consume alcohol.

Might as well call himself "Cockanathan" even better right?

Cheebye Juice Perfume

Wah lan eh the other day K sent me this link (er.. it's not workplace safe hor).

Steady right?! Cheebye flavoured perfume. What will they think of next?

This could be the start of a whole cottage industry. Imagine, if you are a woman in some third world country, everyday just take your cheebye juice, put into a mineral water bottle, then when the bottle is full, you sell it to a cheebye juice dealer, who gives you five bucks, and collects all the cheebye juice-filled mineral water bottles, and sells it to some big ang moh factory which then refines all the cheebye juice and put preservatives (or not) and then put into small chic-looking bottles, call it some classy name (or not) like "Vulva" and then sell it as some ridiculous price to some horny old men who for some strange reason, want to smell like cheebyes. Genius.

But then it makes you wonder who are all these women they get the cheebye juice from. And are those cheebyes clean or not. Or is it like ni na bei chao cheebye. Ya lor.. What if you pay $50 for one of those cheebye bottles but actually the cheebye juice is not from some young nymph but actually from some old wrinkled grandmother lao cheebye. Then how? You never know right?

Maybe I also can do. Everytime I PCC I just PCC into a mineral water bottle. I think three times should be able to fill up liao. Then I call it a sexy name like "Ambrosia" and sell it for like $1000 per bottle. Sure got a lot of people buy one. But my one will have certificate to show that it is really true blue authenticated Jimmy Lee Kalimantan lan jiao juice. Then those girls, when they do themselves and they're gonna cum already, just squeeze ("Ambrosia" will come in a convenient squeezy bottle) it on their face and think of me. For better effect, put the bottle into a bowl of warm water for ten minutes before starting.

Steady right?

I Amuse Myself With Email Fraudsters

So recently, after the international success of Marlboro Decepticon II (more popularly referred to as "Marlboro Transformer" in Europe), I've been bored and in need of new amusement. So I'm now playing this game I invented myself called "Get the Email Fraudster to Say That He is a Chao Cheebye Failing Which Show Him a Picture of a Large Succulent Penis".

Let me explain. Everyone gets these cock emails from Burkina Faso asking you to claim a ridiculously large sum of money which belonged to some poor yak farmer in Mongolia who inherited it from the 12th Tsar of Russia as he (the farmer) was actually the great-half-grandson of the Tsar but then the farmer died in a skiing accident in Hokkaido and since the sender is the bank administrator of the funds, he needs a foreigner to take control of the funds because of some funny Burkina Fasoan law, the money will be seized by the government if it is unclaimed for more than eight years. Have you wondered what would happen if you replied to these emails? Well I have been replying. My goal is to make one of these email fraudsters write down in an email, "I [insert name of email fraudster] am a chao cheebye". If they don't do it, then I will send them a picture of a big fat penis (Mine actually. It is, after all, the biggest and fattest penis I have ever seen. If you want to see, pls send me an email). It's as simple as that.

Here's an email I got last week:

----- Original Message ----
From: yusuf musa yusuf_musaoo2008@latinmail.com
To: yusuf_musaoo2008@latinmail.com
Sent: Monday, February 4, 2008 4:37:42AM
Subject: DEAR FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND,

I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER IN BANK OF AFRICA (BOA), UAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. I HOPED THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO REPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR
FAMILIES.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF (USD$25) MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 10 TO 14 BANKING DAYS. THIS MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANK WITHOUT CLAIM. I WANT THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER (THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT) DIED ALONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN IN AN AIR CRASH SINCE JULY, 2000. I DON'T WANT THE MONEY TO GO INTO OUR BANK TREASURER ACCOUNT AS AN ABANDONED FUND. SO THIS IS THE REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU SO THAT THE BANK CAN RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER. PLEASE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL AS A TOP SECRET AND DELETE IT IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED.UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL GIVE YOU FULL DETAILS ON HOW THE BUSINESS WILL BE EXECUTED AND ALSO NOTE THAT YOU WILL HAVE 30% OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED SUM IF YOU AGREE TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME? AND 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR ANY EXPENSES THAT WARRANT ON THE PROCESS BEFORE THE FUND GET INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SUCH AS TELEPHONE CALLS BILLS (ETC).

BEST REGARD.
MR YUSUF MUSA.

So, trying to be helpful, I reply:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musaoo2008@latinmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, February 5, 2008 11:49:59AM
Subject: Re: DEAR FRIEND

I'd like to help but I am in Indonesia. Surely I can't be the nearest person to you?

But this guy insists that I am and even sends me an incredibly long email with a form to fill in (it's too long to post here). Then I notice that part of the form is spelled wrongly. So I send him this:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 12:04:05 PM
Subject: Re: More Detail and application form.

I think there's an error in your application form. "foreign" is spelled wrongly. Please correct it and send it back to me.

thanks.

To my surprise, the guy actually sends me this, attaching the corrected form!:

----- Original Message ----
From: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
To: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 3:50:32 PM
Subject:
urgent

Dear Brother, Thanks for correcting me please proceed

Yusuf Musa

Win liao lor. This guy so fucking cock actually believe me. So I try to get him to call "999" to report himself to police:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
Sent: Wednesday, February 13, 2008 1:29:55
AM
Subject: Re: urgent

Hi,

I haven't received the phonecall. Shall I try to call you instead?

----- Original Message ----
From: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
To: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, February 8, 2008 1:40:46 AM
Subject: urgent

Dear Brother,

Ok, i will call you today but please proceed in our bussiness ok

Yusuf Musa

Jimmy Lee Kalimantan wrote:

Hi,I just need to speak to you about a few things before I fill up the form. Won't take more than two minutes. Could you give me a call at +65-99-90-0983 please? (The +65 is the country code for Singapore. You'll need it since you are calling overseas).

I tried calling you but didn't get a response.

Thanks.

But he never reply leh. So I drop the bomb:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee
Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 11:56:02 AM
Subject: Re:
urgent

Hi, I tried calling you but still can't get through after a few days. Actually my requirement is very simple. In my culture, business deals such as this are usually sealed with an affirmation of sincerity. In my language, "chao cheebye" is the highest form of sincere person. I simply require you to send me an email reply to the effect that "I, yusuf musa, affirm that I am a chao cheebye" before we can do business.

I understand that this may seem a little strange but it is important for me as I need something in black and white which I can show my parents who can be quite particular about these traditions.

Thank you very much.

No response. So now there is nothing more left to do than send him a picture of my big juicy lan jiao:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan
To: yusuf musa
Sent: Tuesday, March 4, 2008 10:17:34 PM
Subject: Re: urgent

Dear Mr Yusuf,

I am attaching a word document with my bank details. Please help me by sending me the email with your statement. Also, please do not hesitate to let me know if you need anymore information. You can call me at +65-99-90-0983.

Thank you.

Jimmy

And I attached a Word document with a picture of a big lan jiao on it. If he reply, I'll post here.

In the meantime I'm gonna try with other email fraudsters. I hope you all will give it a go too.

Cockanathan.

Transformers Speak Bahasa Indonesia

Indonesia very steady. Until now still showing the first generation of Transformers cartoons. But luckily these Transformers all go language training before so can speak Indonesian. Check it:



I love the way the voice actors try to inject emotion into the dialogue. Like at the beginning the Decepticon with the falsetto voice goes, "pekerjaan aku seleSAIiiiii!" which translates into "my work is finished!!" But his "selesai" sounds damn cock.

The dialogue at the last part between Megatron and Optimus Prime is classic:

Megatron (to Optimus Prime): Aku akan menguapkanmu!
Translation: I'm gonna to make you steam*!

Prime (sounding constipated): Kau kalah, Megatron.
Translation: You're a loser, Megatron.

Megatron: Begini ya? Dengar, Prime. Kau tidak akan pintar memiliki electroCELLku!
Translation: Like that is it? Listen, Prime. You are not capable enough to get my ElectroCELL!

And then Megatron proceeds to blow up his "Electrocells" which I guess is the Indonesian word for Energon.

Actually, to take it a step further, if, in the above dialogue, you replace "tron" with "wati" and "Prime" with "SBY" and "Electrocell" with "electorate", it sounds like a pretty apt representation of a hypothetical confrontation during Indonesia's 2004 presidential elections.

Actually the best part is when Optimus Prime says, "Autobot! Berubah dan berangkat!" which translates literally into "Autobot! Change and go!" Sounds like your father fuck you when you were a kid, "boy ah! late for school already! Faster change and go ah!"

But too bad by that time my camera run out of memory leh. I try to record some more next time.


* "uap" in Indonesian can be directly translated into "steam".

Marlboro Decepticon and Friends Lai Liao!

Ok I know everybody wait very long. But finally I finish the video liao. Marlboro Decepticon is back! And this time he brought his friends with him...

The Debauchetrons detested the new Decepticon policy

which required them to ad-lib the sound effects to their

transformations so as to sound "more professional".

Citizen Journalism is Gan Pua Steady

So R just introduced me to these videos on You Tube of these gan fierce Singaporeans at their finest. In Singapore, the more hiong you are, the more respect you get. So without much further ado, I show you my favourite ones:

Hiong Lift Aunty



I don't know what the story behind this is but it starts off damn action packed with a security guard trying to prevent a couple of aunties from going into a lift. One of them is saying something like the guy (who is filming the whole thing from inside the lift) kicked her first. At the same time, another aunty on the left tries to help her by telling the security guard that "I saw it also". The aunty is like going absolutely beserk and it sounds like she's slapping the security guard at one point. I think most steady is the security guard. Can hold off the aunties for so long. The guy inside the lift is chao ah kua. Only know how to video the thing and say "dun block my lift!". But the best part is at the end when the first aunty takes some kinda whip-like thing and whips it at the guy in the lift. Gan hiong.

Crazy MRT Aunty



This one my favourite. Apparently the backstory is that the aunty had been following the guy for some time in the MRT station and then he couldn't take it anymore so he whipped out his video camera phone and started recording her. This clip wins Best Swear Word and Rude Gesture Creativity award. Got "chao cheebye" got "kan ni na beh" some more got Middle Finger and Fist to Open Palm manoeuvre. I give five stars plus favourite on You Tube. The best part is at the end when the aunty walks away and the guy asks "Aunty, no more oreadi ah?". An instant classic.

Ang Moh Fight Two Singapore Girls



This one also quite hiong. Apparently there's some "star blogger" called Michelle Quek who won some blogger award or something (guess there's something for me to aspire to). So anyway, the story is Michelle Quek was minding her own business but her bag accidentally bumped against some ang moh dude and his girlfriend. Then suddenly the ang moh guy and his girl go crazy and start hantaming Michelle Quek! Ah *kbsh* *bsh* *bsh*. Wah damn hiong. But luckily got helpful Singaporean passerby to catch the ang moh. Steady. We Are Singapore. Most steady is the guy in the checked shirt. He go and fuck the ang moh, "this is Singapore ok! Not your country! SINGAPORE AH!!" Then later he give one damn steady guai lan face. But most loser is the ang moh. Just stand there with his cock face looking like some schoolboy who's getting fucked by his principal. Then later he still try to run away and then kena caught again. Damn cock. Some more he damn unglam. Wear baggy t-shirt with belt pouch. Even if he is in the right I also condemn him.

So anyway, there you have it. Singapore citizen journalism at its finest. One day I also hope I kena hantam by some aunty in Singapore then I also can become famous.

Cock Too Small? Just Add Balls

So someone decided that Jakarta needs to have some sort of 'subway system' in order to make it 'world class'. But no money to dig tunnels. So how? Easy. Just close of one lane of traffic throughout the busiest roads in Jakarta by spending millions of dollars to raise said lane by one foot, thereby worsening traffic conjestion, i.e., the very same problem that any normal subway system is supposed to alleviate, buy a few hundred snazzy, custom-made buses (the doors have to be about a meter off the ground - see below - in order to reach the specially-built bus-stops designed with passenger platforms very high off the ground so as to simulate the experience of being at a real subway stop which, against conventional wisdom, have been built on the road dividers between lanes, thereby neccesitating special custom-built overhead bridges for passengers to reach them), then drive the buses around the city, passing them off as subway trains, and hope no one notices the difference.

Busdriver Bill never quite figured out whether Keanu meant
miles or kilometres per hour when he said "stay above fifty!".

So anyway, this is the logo for the 'Busway' system:

Oh look. It's an eagle. Just like those American bald eagles associated with cool, high quality American service. But this one better. This eagle got balls. Balls so big that they're the same size as its head. Imagine if you had balls the size of your head. How to walk? And that's not all. Not satisfied with the boring old two balls, Transjakarta Eagle has three! That's how man he is.

Why have three balls? Because, as you can see from the close-up above, Transjakarta Eagle (he's like a mascot. They call him Tran-E. He goes to little kids' birthday parties and all) has no lan jiao. Or perhaps his lan jiao is so small that you can't see it. So how? Just have balls that are ten times bigger than real life and add an extra one for good measure. That'll show those stupid Americans.

Like L says, "more bigger, more better!"

Akan Datang...

My Facebook Friend Needs Someone to Fuck Her Face

So I'm on Facebook. And I realise that there are people on Facebook who randomly add strangers as friends so that they can bump up the number of friends on their profile and look more popular.

Enter Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl:

"I'm a cute imbecile! Tee hee!"

She added me about two weeks ago. Thinking that she was probably someone that I had sex with accidentally in the past (I tend to do that a lot), I decided to add her out of pity. But then I think think think think think.. I really don't know this person leh.. And she's fucking cock. Always sending me invites to retarded applications like "Do You Like Me?" or "Am I Hot?" or "Aren't I A Cutesey Wutesey Little Bitchsy Witsey Who Needs To Be Cockslapped*"

So I had a look at her profile. It is fucking retarded. She's got something like 68 applications on her Facebook profile. I guess its supposed to make one look like an interesting person. Well guess what retard? It just makes you look retarded. I mean what kinda retard has 68 applications on Facebook?

So anyway, right at the top of the profile at the status update, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is waiting for new year day". New YEAR day? I suppose you enjoyed "Christma" morning as well huh?

Ok maybe that was just low. But then there's the applications themselves. There's the "More About Me" application which, as its name suggests, lets you answer more questions about yourself so that people know you better. Here are Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's answers. Honestly, I did not edit anything whatsoever:

About Me

Right-handed or left-handed: Right Handed

Goal you would like to achieve this year: Buy A Rolex For Myself

Do you want to go to college: i wish i could

Most embarrassing moment: alot .........

My perfect pizza: i eat anything . . . . .

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

What would you do with a million dollars: lot's of things i got to do

What can't you live without: alot

Do you sing: neh

What can't you live without: alot

My weakness: umm........

Silver or Gold: both

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

Do you play a musical instrument: nope nope. But wanted to learn

Who was the last person that called you: umm..........

Favorite candy bar: umm.........

That's real informative man. Is there anything else you can say apart from "lot's", "alot" and "umm.......". More full stops doesn't mean more intelligence you know. Fucking retard.

Also, I counted no less than three "hug me" type applications. There's "FriendHug":


As well as "Hugs" and "HugMe". Wow. What? Your friends can't online hug you enough with one application? And what kinda idiots send "hugs" online anyway? I think she needs a "cockslap me" application. Sure get a lot of hits one.

Ok and then there's the cutesy applications. Fuck. She's got this in spades man. There's "What Kinda Lover Are You?":

I'm "The Care Bear"!

Aww, aren't you sweet. You are the sensitive lover, in tune with your partner's needs and perhaps the Lifetime Channel. You care more about pleasing your lover than you do yourself, which is ironic because pleasing your partner is the only way you can please yourself. You probably own a stuffed animal.

And then, right below that, by sheer coincidence, on her "What is Your Ideal Lover" application, it says:

I need "The Care Bear"!

Oh, you poor thing. You've been hurt, haven't you? Come, cry on my shoulder. My naked, naked shoulder. You are looking for a sensitive lover, someone who can spoon with you through the next episode of Sex And the City. You want someone that cares more about the 'after' part than the 'during' part. Also, you want someone who can stay awake for the 'after' part.

SPOON with you?! I'll fucking spoon your eyes out you fucking idiot.

If that wasn't enough, she's got a "garden" with cutesy wustesy beesy weesies and butterfwies and, count 'em... nine cutesy wutesy wabbits:


There's more. She's got "Sketch Me" which, presumeably replaces your photo with a cunning computer generated "sketch". Guess what, genius? It's called an image filter and it comes with Adobe Photoshop. And it makes you look even cock-er than you do normally:

Piltdown Woman's body was almost perfectly
preserved for 3 million years in the hard arctic ice.

Hey look, look! I can make myself look like a sketch too! Tee hee! LOLZ!!!!!! :))):


Nifty huh?

And then as if its not enough, her friends are cocks too! Here's some of the things they send around to "cheer up" each other's day:



I'll give you some of my droppings if you want.

But the best part is, the other day, I went to Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's profile to see which cock has been sending all these cock applications to me. And then I noticed that she's got this application that presumably gives you an IQ test and publishes it on your profile. So on her profile, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!"

But I'm like, waitaminute, an IQ of 100 is just in the average intelligence band. Not very high on the average intelligence band in fact. So why the fuck would you show it to the whole world? So that people know that you're of lower tier average intelligence? What a loser. (I, on the other hand, totally have a valid reason to let everyone know).

So anyway, I go and show L what kinda stupid people I meet on Facebook. But the What's My IQ application is gone from Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's page! We spend about five minutes sifting through all her 68 cutesy applications but there's no "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!" leh. It was at this point when we both came to the conclusion that she probably thought having an IQ of 100 was like getting full marks for the IQ test. And then somehow she realised how far that was from reality and decided to take down the application in case people realise what an turd brain she is and don't want to online hug her anymore.

Anyway, I couldn't resist so I post on her Wall, "Guess IQ 100 doesn't mean full marks huh?" Five minutes later, she gleefully replies, "IQ 100 means almost 0 IQ ........hahahahahaha : D", thus proving the theory that L and I had. Then I asked her how come she added me to her Facebook and she goes "Good Question .............I dunno ..........hahahahaahahahaha : D".

Who, in the blue fuck, writes that many "haha"s?

She's also got tons of applications to check (and double check) if people like her. Like "Am I Hot?", "Are YOU Interested?", "Vote Me For Most Eligible Single", "Am I Popular?", "Hot Or Not" (in case you missed the first "Am I Hot" application), "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?", "Am I A Great Lover?", "Will You Kiss Me?" and "CRUSH ME" (which is, again, another variation of "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?"). Good God.

Oh and there's one other application on her profile that I think makes you do a quiz and publishes your mental age on your site. This one says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is 15 years old!". 'Nuff said.

I cannot take it. I just want to go up to her and start punching her face, ah *bsh* *bsh* *bsh*. I've been trying to remove her but there seems to be a problem with Facebook and "remove friend" just doesn't seem to work.

Fucking retard.



* There has been considerable confusion and disagreement on whether a "cockslap" refers to (a) an act of assault on another person where his cock gets slapped by the assailant or; (b) when a person has his/her face slapped by a cock. I have considerable anecdotal evidence that it is the latter.