Woohoo!!

Eh check it out. I got my first hate mail. Ok la not hate MAIL. More like "hate comment" but at least its still hateful. Steady right?

I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Want to Watch This Movie

Ok this is like my ideal movie. It's called..... drumroll... drrrrrrRRrrRrrRrRrrrrrrRrr "PLANET TERRORRRR"!!!

"Come come ah boy, no need to scared. Auntie

got only one leg, give you half price."

It's fucking awesome. Everything I want to see in a movie. Zombies, police, army, guns, sexy girls, Osama Bin Laden, lesbians, sex, gogo dancers, zombies, sexy girls, etc.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez (all those Eurasian people all very arty one), its bundled together with Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof in a double feature called Grindhouse.

Aiyah. anyway, the story goes something like this:

There is this demented army lieutenent dude who is doing some bad evil scheme thing with some scientist when BAM! Some cock up makes this super jiat lat deadly chemical get released which makes people become crazed zombies who want to eat human flesh. So the police and army come in with their big guns and all but cannot stop the zombies.

So they all hide out in some place where for some reason some lesbians will make out but there's this super hot gogo dancer girl called Cherry whose leg gets bitten off by one of the zombies. So she limps all the way back to the safehouse where some doctor attaches a table leg to her leg stump.

Then there's the intermission where the demented lieutenant dude explains how this whole thing came about because he killed Osama Bin Laden but Osama infected them with the zombie chemical. Whatever. End of intermission.

Then the best part: Cherry decides that her table leg leg is too kok already so she replaces it with an M4A1 CARBINE ASSAULT RIFLE WITH M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER!! Then when the zombies come, she just get down on all fours but she lift up her leg like a dog gonna pang jio like that and LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS EAT HOT LEAD AND HIGH EXPLOSIVE M203 GRENADE ROUNDS!!! DRRrrRrrRrrRRRR!!! BOM BOM BOM BOM!!! DIE MOTHERFUCKING UGLY ZOMBIES!!! CHIBABOOOM!!!

Check it out, I never bluff you:

Armalite's latest incarnation of the M4 Carbine, blow up doll butt stock version.

Anyway, I'm totally gonna go buy the pirated DVD this weekend.

Wa lao. KOK.

Orrrhhh. I didn't know it's actually Zoe Tay. Paiseh paiseh.

But anyway, check out this big time discussion. Wa piang. Some extracts...

There's analytical:

"while it is true that any publicity is good publicity, i believe this has negative effect on the pill company.

1. the stir-up gotten pretty big, but how many actually remember the pill company name? a case of win the battle but lost the war

2. the after-effect. can you imagine a male colleague said this to his female colleague after seeing her buying the pills "so you swallow as well?" :P

Posted by: kp, Aug 30, 2006 11:56:16 AM"

And then there's wait-ten-years-to-use-three-big-words-in-one-sentence:

"Double entendres are good for amusing people while getting past the ignorant hoi polloi (who complain about FCUK).

Posted by: Agagooga, Aug 23, 2006 6:48:55 PM"

And of course, the voice of common sense:

"Come on you guys! I swallow is I swallow and here it is Imedeen tablets she is taking! What should she say? I eat??!

Posted by: js, Aug 25, 2006 5:23:01 PM"

Words fail me. Just go through one by one. It is a veritable buffet of kok.

Cum and Nourish Your Face

Johnson the other day show me this advertisement:


I see already straightaway steam. Somemore the girl's comment is like damn xio lor. But then Johnson explain to me that this is called "pun". "Pun" is something like I say this thing make you horny but actually its refering to something else which is not about horny things. We all Chinese say "dio dua" or like the bayees say "kena play backside". Like go out dating and the girl ask you whether want to come inside but then actually go inside is only to "talk" only. So in this case, the girl is not saying that she has good skin cos she swallow people's siao (although it is true that siao makes you have good skin). She is only saying that she eat the Imedeen then her skin become good.

This Johnson very clever. This kind of big word he also know. Anyway, I don't really understand. So I try to show Johnson my own "pun":

But he say wrong leh.

Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man

You know those people who just have to be troublesome and hold up things wherever they are? Like when they order chicken rice they must ask for boneless chicken drumstick and wings without skin? Or like if they are in a buffet, they must find and find and find the chicken drumstick while everyone is waiting behind them? Or like at Starbucks they must order the Ice-Blended Latte but must have 2% skim milk and no whipped cream but half the normal amount of syrup but put more ice and can they set the blender to slow so that the ice is crushed more evenly?

Enter Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man.

For some reason my flight was delayed for four hours. So everybody already damn sian diao already. So? Just check in first and then go to the airport bar or something lah! Noooo.. Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man must go and check with the airport counter staff what is the matter with the plane. Must ask them how much longer it will take. Then he must bring like ten thousand luggages. And must ask the counter staff whether they can increase his luggage limit. And then his passport must have some problem that the counter staff must ask their supervisors one. And then he has to check something in his bag so he gotta stand there and open his bag and let people see his underwear.

So he was like at the counter forever. And all the while I was juuust two people behind him in the queue. And behind me these two Indonesian women with like a heap of luggage on their trolley, everytime I even take a half step forward they must push the trolley riiiight until it is almost touching my foot. Like damn scared got people will cut queue. Wah lan eh dun say people ah. I think even if someone's lan jiao wanna cut the queue, he also must make sure he senang diri first before he try to get between the trolley and me lor.

So anyway, Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man finally left the counter. Then at the departure gate, he must go and join the queue first. Like if not skarli he cannot get on the plane.

And then on the plane, after the plane has taken off and the fasten seatbelt sign is off, Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man must go and take his laptop from his bag in the cabin compartment. For what? Because he want to watch DVD on his laptop. Like. Hello? Champion? From Singapore to Jakarta is like 1 hour 40 minutes lor. Take off and landing already take half an hour altogether. Eat dinner in the plane already take about another half hour. You see what movie?! See 40 minutes of the movie also shiok ah? Then of course when the plane was about to land, he gotta put back the laptop into his bag.

Then he must ask the stewardess for an extra copy of the customs form when they give out the forms in the cabin lor.

Anyway, this is Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man:

Think he was looking for people to trouble to look out for his luggage on the conveyor while he go to the toilet.

Today Is My Book-In Day

After go home for one week, tonight have to book in again. Wah lan eh damn low morale ah.

Let's review what I did the last week. In chronological order:

1. Got wasted at St James and took a picture of a fucking chio 2007 Yamaha YZF-R6:

Optimus approved of Motorcycle Autobot's efforts at being truly a 'robot in disguise' by carrying around a mannequin with him everytime he transformed into vehicle mode

2. Got wasted with some bayees in a bayee pub and proceeded to throw up on my shoes.

3. Got wasted at Robertson and took a picture with a fucking fierce Honda Civic:

"Must... Deliver.... Tao.. Huay..."

3. Got wasted with some bayees in a bayee pub and proceeded to throw up. The next day. At 4pm.

4. Got wasted at Robertson and searched very hard for a motorcycle to take photos with.

5. Got wasted in a gay bar but failed to get picked up because I was "too manly".

6. Got.

7. Wasted.

I Am Chumpion

This week got someone compliment me. Say I am no "two pump chump". So I went to check what it means:

two pump chump
t-wo-p-ump-ch-ump [tōō pŭhmp chŭhmp] n.

A person incapable of lasting for more than two pelvic thrusts during copulation, i.e. Crunk. Sploitch.

"Francis is a two pump chump... the only time he can keep it up for longer than 45 seconds is flogging his dog in the bath."

Wah lao eh. This one still need to say meh? I am HUNDRED PUMP CHUMP AH!

Zachary Disease

Apparently everyone's heard this one except me:

There was this woman who was 40 years old but had never had a boyfriend and never been laid. So her friend told her, "you go and see this Dr Sumitomo. He very good. If anyone can help you, its Dr Sumitomo."

So the woman went to see Dr Sumitomo. Then Dr Sumitomo say, "hmm... this probrem very strange. But maybe we can try to discover source of probrem. Prease, take off all crothes..."

So the woman takes off all her clothes.

"Now, prease to get on all fours, rike dog.." says Dr Sumitomo. Now the woman thinks this is a bit of a strange method of diagnosis but she thinks, anything is better than not being laid for the rest of my life, so she shrugs her shoulders and gets on her hands and knees.

Dr Sumitomo continues, "now, prease to craw away from Dr Sumitomo, reery reery fass, just rike dog..." So the woman, thinking that they're making some headway here, starts to crawl away from Dr Sumitomo.

"Now, prease to turn around and craw reery reery fass towards Dr Sumitomo, just same as rike dog.." The woman obediently does so.

So now Dr Sumitomo says he's finished his examination and tells the woman that she can put on her clothes.

When the lady comes out of the dressing room, Dr Sumitomo sits her down in front of his table. He looks solemn, "I'm fraid you have incuraber condition. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or date."

The lady is quite sad but at least she can take comfort in the fact that her inability to get a guy is through no fault of her own. So she asks Dr Sumitomo what her incurable condtion is.

"What you have, is bad case of Zachary Disease," Dr Sumitomo says gently.

So naturally, the lady asks Dr Sumitomo what Zachary Disease is.

Dr Sumitomo replies solemnly, "my dear lady, Zachary Disease is when woman have face, that rook Zachary rike her ass.."

Fucking Who?

The other day one of my friends was trying to tell my other friend about my blog. It didn't help that both were slightly tipsy and we were in a crowded restaurant.

Friend 1: This guy's got a blog. You should check it out.

Friend 2: Yeah? What's it called?

Friend 1: FuckingBS.

Friend 2: Oookay.. But that is only to be expected from him lor. What's the name of the blog?

Friend 1: It's FuckingBS.

Friend 2: Yes yes yes. You said that already. But I still want to go see how BS it is lor.

Friend 1: No no. I mean it's CALLED FuckingBS. Like Fuckingbs.blogspot.com

Friend 2: His blog's spot is fucking BS? Now I don't know what you are talking about anymore lor.

Friend 1: No no no no no.. I mean like double-U double-U double-U dot Fucking BS dot Blogspot dot Com lah!

Friend 2: Orhh... (to me) Aiyoh why you go and call your blog like that?

By which time I was already too tired watching the exchange to answer so we just got another round. I love my friends.

Wow.

This, led to this.

Fucking funny.

I Buy A Gold Watch

So I bought this gold Casio Illuminator digital watch. It's like the coolest thing in the world. Everything about it is cool. From the "Illuminator" word engraved on the watch face to the words "ten year battery" printed on the front to the greenish glow that lights up the LEDs when you press a button on the side.

Check it:

Although polio had wasted away most of Johnson's arm, he valiantly insisted on wearing his gold watch, which he could now barely keep on.

The shopkeeper obviously didn't understand what a gem of coolness he had just sold me:

Me: How much is that watch there?

Shopkeeper: Which one? The gold one?

Me: Yeah that one. How much?

Shopkeeper (sniggering to himself): Uh.. $45.

My friend (who doubts my judgement in coolness): Any discount?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. I'll let you have it for $40.

Me: Ok. Can I have a new one in the box please?

Shopkeeper: We don't have any new ones. This is the only one we have in stock. Not many people buy this model (he could have meant "no one has ever bought this watch").

Me: Oh.. ok.

Shopkeeper: (Doubtfully) Anyway, gold digital watches are in fashion now huh?

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Shopkeeper: Anyway, if too many people buy this watch, its not going to stand out lah. So best if I just keep one in stock so that not too many people will buy it.

Me: (Wondering why he is justifying the sale of the watch to me almost as if it is a cardinal sin). Uh. Yeah.

Shopkeeper: (Watching with a sort of morbid fascination as I put on the watch.) You really not paiseh one hor?

Me: Yeah. Not very often lah.

Shopkeeper: Er. Right. Anyway, er. Thanks for buying the watch...

Me: (Brandishing my new gold watch). Yup.

All the while he had this look of bemused disbelief that someone was actually buying this watch. Well I'm glad I made somebody's day. Anyway, I think it's damn fucking uber cool:

As I mentioned before, for me, style is cannot compromise one.

Developing the Puxis of Our Nation

So the other day I attended this seminar on good practices in town planning. How appropriate to have it in Jakarta, the zenith of urban improvisation. Anyway, there was this flaky Indonesian urban planning academic who was asked to talk.

So the guy picks Shanghai as his example. As you would know, Shanghai is separated into two main financial districts, Pudong (浦东), meaning literally "East of the Huangpu River" and Puxi (浦西), or "West of the Huangpu River". As it happened, ten years ago, Pudong had been the undeveloped area of Shanghai, while Puxi was its main financial district. However, with the Shanghai administration's policy of systematic urban planning, Pudong was speedily developed into the new urban centre of Shanghai. Whereas, Puxi remained as it is, badly neglected and a shadow of its former eminence. So, according to Hapless Rambling Indonesian Academic, it was important to make sure that old city centres in Indonesia do not suffer the fate of Puxi and that the development of urban centres in Indonesia was carried out concurrently and proportionately.

Which is all very somber stuff. Except that this guy, having chosen a Chinese city as an example, forgot that the tonal values of Chinese words matter in interpreting their meaning. In fact, there is a whole system of romanised Chinese known as Hanyu Pinyin. So. Puxi, is actually pronounced as Pú Xī. In another words (my former Chinese teacher's to be exact), "Pú is lumber two sound. Xī is lumber one sound. Unnerstand or not you?"

For people who don't read Hanyu Pinyin, it's pronounced as "Poo Sea", not "Pucksy".

So anyway it was obviously too much for this guy's brain to process a whole new system of pronunciation for just one presentation and he opted for the monotone pronunciation of Puxi. And this was delivered in the over-dramatic, breathy voice that some Indonesians feel obligated to use when they are speaking to a crowd. Some excerpts:

"There are many Puxis all over Indonesia."

"Even as we compare Puxis, the Chinese Puxi has been better maintained than our Indonesian Puxis."

"If we don't do something about Jakata soon, it will become one Big Puxi."

"As we develop the Pudongs of our great nation, we must not neglect the development of our Puxiiiis!"

"Ten years ago, Puxi in Shanghai was beautiful. But recently when I went there again, Puxi was in such a state of neglect. The smell was terrible..."

I laughed so hard I almost died.

Higher Standards

So my friend thinks she can do better with guys cos Singapore men cannot make it. I say my lan jiao as big as ang moh one but she don't think so.

I also think I can do better leh. All the girls here only want my money but don't want my honey. And my honey already gonna overflow liao. And they're all so goondu like that. I told my friend. If I go out with a girl, I need to have intelligent conversation one. If not, I feel like I'm not intellectually engaged. Like why can't it be like:

Girlfriend: Hey honey, I wonder if Michelin's tyres for the Yamaha team in the next GP at Le Mans will hold up.. you know they're using a new rubber compound that will increase Valentino Rossi's grip on the track so he can brake later and turn faster and therefore outperform Casey Stoner's more powerful Ducati Desmosedici even though the Desmo has higher horsepower and better acceleration.

Me: Of course they will, baby.. its the new synthetic latex/polymer compound that Michelin recently developed after Rossi ran into problems with tyre pressure at the Turkish GP. If you recall, even though his tyres were reinforced with internal steel filament then, the extreme angles at which his tyres have to perform, coupled with the high temperatures caused by the stresses that the tyre goes through caused the rubber compound to fail, thus costing him the leading position. The polymer component in his tyres should allow them to withstand higher stresses this time round. However, I have to qualify that tyre compounds only account for half the braking ability of any one rider. The specific heat capacity of the brake pads play an important role too.

Girlfriend: Oh you're always right about these cool engineering thingies, dear... Anyway, I've been a bad girl today. Can we have some kinky sex?

Me: Oh alright.

Is that too much to ask?

Tiger Hit The Ball So High. Kaninabechaocheebye.

So I started learning golf. P thinks golf is for ah kuas. Say I fucking faggot. Somemore suan me say better remember to bring my wet wipes. Fuck you understand?

Thank God for wind. All kinds.

Anyway, last weekend I go to the golf course for the first time with A. He said bring my golf teacher along so that he can teach me how to play in the course. So anyway I thought the course was like those US PGA Tour one. Like the grass is damn green, the ponds are calm, the wind blowing in your hair, lots of girls in bikinis and visors to cheer you on.

Of course when we arrived, the place looked more like last time go live firing exercise like that. The grass is really like sai like that la. And then along the sides of the fairway there's like JUNGLE. I kid you not. The water is very literally a swamp (there was a guy wading around inside looking for lost golf balls to sell). And the best thing is, there is a TRAINING SHED where you can rest. AND beside the training shed, there is an auntie selling drinks, Ritz biscuits and, get this... OREOS. I found myself instinctively hoping that my instructor would declare a five minute canteen break so that I could go get myself a Coke before starting to dig my shell-scrape. The ang mohs there are all fat and ugly. And to top it all off, the caddies were all MEN.

"Contacted!" - I flush out an ugly ang moh from the jungle.

Anyway, the game was a joke. That same morning I went to the driving range first to brush up on my swing and my instructor brings me to the putting green for the very first time saying that I should try a few shots since I'm going to the course later after all and have never used a putter in my life. Oh ya hor.

At the 'course', each time I hit the ball badly, my instructor produces another ball from his pocket and tells me to take the shot again. And then when I finally get to the green, it's like playing yoyo with the hole. Can hit like ten times and the ball just goes back and forth around the hole. Until the last time when the ball is like reasonably close to the hole and my caddy bends down and tips it in so that we can FINALLY. MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

"Be wewy wewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits."

Anyway, I think I give myself A for effort, A+ for style. For me, style is cannot compromise one:

I am Tiger. Hear me roar.

I Like Transforming Robots

So the basic rule in the genre of Gigantic Transforming Robot Cartoons is that the bad guy robots always look cooler than the good guys one. For example, in Transformers, Optimus Prime is what? A truck? Truck is use for what? Transport cow dung ah? And somemore he forever so goody goody. Lousy lah. Megatron so much more cool. Can become gun. And then can become big become small. Just like my one like that. Or Starscream. Can become fighterplane. So badass. Who wants to be a truck? Truck is only good for fetch ah beng to go and piah zui can?

Anyway, enter the 1/60 scale Yamato Toys Macross Sukhoi/Israel Aircraft Industries/Dornier SV-51 piloted by Nora Polyansky of the evil "Anti-UN" forces (how much more "bad" can you get right?) pictured below. Cool right? And everything about it just screams "Bad Guy" and it's sexy even (I mean it's even painted BLACK man). Somemore the pilot is like one damn sexy RUSSIAN GIRL WITH BIG TITS lor. Last time I go Orchard Towers I remember if you want to find Russian one its like three times the price of those China one and then they only sit there and sing karaoke with you ok. If wanna ta pao some more must pay extra one.

But I digress. The 1/60 scale model of the SV-51 can even transform without having to take any parts apart. Just like in the cartoon like that.


I'm gonna buy like ten when it comes out.

Then must buy the Good Guy robot for it to fight against. Hope I get big bonus man.

The Banjir's Gonna Get You

Banjir, of course, being Indonesian for flood. Since last Saturday, many parts of Jakarta have been flooded. In some places the water has been four metres deep.

Four frikkin' metres! I mean wah lan eh. There is like poor city management but this is seriously fucked up lor. And of course everyone is blaming everyone else. The governor's saying the neighbouring province cut down too many trees to build yuppy malls so the ground can't retain the water. And then the media is fucking the governor for letting this happen again since there were damn bad floods in 2002. And then yesterday on the news there were these university students who had nothing better to do and decided to protest the floods. As if it would help make it go away.

And then in order to relieve the flooding in other parts of Jakarta, they decided to open these sluice gates so that my area gets flooded. Wah lan eh. So on Sunday the water level on the road outside my apartments was like up to waist level. Shiok man. Luckily my apartment compound has a backdoor which wasn't flooded. "Luckily" because when everyone was getting all flustered and scrambling o buy supplies for their homes in case they got flooded in, all I got was a carton of milk, some salad, a new loaf of bread and some orange juice. I did however remember to buy a couple of pirated games for my Xbox 360 in case I got flooded in and had nothing to do.

Of course when things cock up, they must all cock up together. So my internet was down cos of the floods and so were the telephone lines, and then the hard disk in my office-issued laptop decided to develop a terminal error (luckily I transfered all my porn into my ipod at the first sign of trouble in case the office computer guys decide to be helpful and try to recover my data) and then my office computer decided to go screwy too so I was totally uncontactable for a few days which was not too bad actually.

But I think by far the best quote was from my friend who called me from Singapore and told me, in all seriousness, to beware of the "pestilence" that usually comes after floods "because the hygiene very jiat lat".

If I remember correctly, after pestilence comes the big death ray from the sky that kills all these pagan non-believers and some grungy dude with a 'fro keeps saying "let my people go!".

I Find Out How I Die

According to this:

"At age 81 you will start playing an online game and become so addicted that you starve to death."

Which, frighteningly, sounds pretty plausible.

Quotable Quotes II

"When helmets are on the low, Clingfilm's the way to go!"
- An original (eat your heart out Fiona).

Quotable Quotes

Some good ones I've come across. The best is the last one. Only smart people can understand.

"If its bleedin', its breedin'!"
- A friend of mine with a fervent disregard for age limits.

"Bag the face and bomb the place!"
- Another friend who subscribes to the principle of "love all serve all".

"If the river runs red, take the dirtroad instead."
- Anonymous SMS.

The Crap You Get in Supermarkets These Days

This is actually bean curd but oh what a catchy brand name...