Bahasa Shmahasa

Sell Bike Again

2011-05-17T10:07:00.004+07:00

This bike damn steady. Serve me two years but now I'm always overseas so cannot ride her.. I'm sure she is lonely too.. So gotta sell. I hope she find a good owner..

I Sell Fuel Cells By the Sea Shore

2008-09-19T04:55:00.006+07:00

Buyashaka!

Thought I die already right?

I tell you ah.. I fucking busy ok... Quit my job la.. But gahmen dun wanna pay my last month salary so gotta become like loan shark and pester them. Then got people owe me $3000 la (I tend to refer to him as $3000 man) and beg me for more time la... and I gotta threaten him... (My life like revolves around people owing me money hor?) And then now I gotta start studying again la... Damn fucking blur..

But my research like quite steady one leh. Work on fuel cells for space robots ah... wah lan eh.. fucking cheem man. I see already also gong..

Right now only make toy car only. I show you picture:

Team Fuel Cell Racecar demonstrated a
spectacular lack of aerodynamics knowledge.

So anyway, this thing uses the solar panel to generate electricity to produce hydrogen and oxygen in the water tank, which is then used as fuel for the fuel cell to generate electricity which then drives the motor.

I know you must be asking yourself - why so kam lan? Just use the solar panel to power the car cannot meh? Ah.... then I ask you.. night time how?!... Rainy day how?... Cannot run right?! That's why day time we use the solar panel to create fuel.. Then night time go chiong that time then use your fuel cell... Understand or not, Ah Boy?

Aiyah but still not used to studying leh. And I also realise that student life is a bit cock. The other night was someone's birthday and then when they make him down his drink, they all started chanting his name. Fucking cock.. Like macham frat boy house like that. And worse is all the bars in the college only got beer and wine. How to tahan?!?!

Anyway, if you all got time come and see me. I three weeks never scold "cheebye" already. Two more months I think I'll be reduced to saying "fuck you".

So come here and let me practice on you, you cheebyes...

I Very Sad

2008-07-15T22:04:00.003+07:00

Fall in love already but must part so quickly. Pain ah.. What to do. Who ask me so smart get a place to study PhD at MIT? Now must sell my beloved Aprilia RS-125 (whose name, by the way, is Mussolini).

Now must post it for sale online. But online website don't have image hosting leh. So host here lor. Anyway, I put here also to let you all see my bike. So chio... The more I see the more sad I am...

Jin Jing for President of China

2008-04-17T09:36:00.007+07:00

Wah lan eh China is damn steady.

They all know that anywhere which got their Olympic torch confirm there will be protest about Tibet. So what to do? Chinese Soft Power lai liaaaoo!!! Just arrow all those chio but vulnerable-looking "athletes" to be the torch bearers lor. So simple. Even Chen Shui Bian also can tell you that.

By doing this, China set itself up for a win-win-win situation. Damn steady. If there are protesters, once they see that the Olympic torch is held by some vulnerable-looking chio bu, confirm they won't try to do anything funny one. China win! Then even if they try to take the torch, wah lan eh everyone see the photos already will think that those protesters who try to take the torch from those chio bus are bastards lor. China win again! And the last win? China bring the torch around the world is actually their road show for their export of foreign talent. "Athletes"? Ya... but all of them only know how to play shot put and javelin. Score one win for China products! Hahahahaha!!!

But anyway, this time round, the best win is scored by Chinese paralympic "athlete" Jin Jing. Her right leg kenah amputate last time so become "paralympic athlete". Those Chinese are one kinky bunch man! You see her photo here. Wah lan eh... Tell me you don't want to let her hold your Olympic torch?!:

Anyway, Jin Jing kenah assaulted by some pro-Tibet protester. I know they all have some dunno what human rights issue la. But they really damn boh seh lor. Try to snatch the Olympic torch from some poor helpless (and chio) Chinese "athlete"?! Wah lan eh... What kind of people are these? Fucking Conan the Babarian ah? Jia sai... Anyway, here's a few picture of the poor Jin Jing, valiantly protecting the Olympic flame from those evil protesters:

Damn cham right? The poor disabled (but chio) Chinese girl, selflessly protecting China's glory from those bastard protesters who know nothing about China. Bastards. Here is a picture of Jin Jing after the attack:

Damn steady right? I see already, I also imagine that that is actually my "Olympic torch" that she is hugging (actually, seems like it is about the right size. Only a little bit too skinny).

Jin Jing damn steady. She is so steady that I composed a cheer for her:

Chinese Athletes Number One
by Jimmy Lee Kalimantan

Chinese athlete number one!

Put my lan jiao in their cunt!

If others try to interfere,

Chinese athlete fuck their rear!

~0~

Jin Jing, Jin Jing we love you!

Make that protester look like a fool!

They think their moral ground so high,

KAN NI NA BEI CHAO CHEEBYE!!

Steady right?

.

L's House is Gross

2008-04-16T18:43:00.012+07:00

So I stayed in L's house the last week before I left Jakarta. L and A are very nice. Like my papa and mummy like that. But I tell you ah... if my papa and mummy's house is like theirs, I fucking run away long time ago liao! This is because, L and A's house, the rice got WEEVILS!!!

Wah lan eh damn shiok you see already you also sure wanna eat. This is the rice bin:

See those black black things? Ah those are the weevils lor. This is what they look like close-up:

Damn nice right? These fuckers apparently start out as eggs which their mummy and daddy weevils hatch inside the rice grains. Then after they hatch, they just live their whole lives inside the rice bin. Really. It's like being born inside a Swensens All You Can Eat Buffet. So everyday they just eat the rice grains, then fuck, then hatch their baby weevils into the rice grains and then their baby weevils grow up and have more sex and have more baby weevils. Until there can come a day when there are more weevils than rice grains. Damn nice right? Here's a closer shot:

And here's one even more close-up shot, with the lid off so you can experience the ful weevilly goodness:

But I'm sure you must be thinking, "but Jimmy, those could just be chocolate rice what. How do I know you never bluff me?" This is where the magic of video comes in handy:

Shiok right?

But I tell you ah... This type of weevils ah.. best is feed to my Venus Flytrap:

Cute right?! I call him Veeny. It actually really eats flies. And after it finishes with the flies, it will pui out the dried flies. Like this:

But I dare not feed Veeny the weevils. Skarli kenah heartburn.

Camo Pants and Ah Kua Bags

2008-04-15T13:27:00.014+07:00

Ok so recently me and P went to Bangkok for holiday. Well actually it was me on holiday. P was there mostly for work and to let me use his hotel room for free. I was basically like his secret mistress like that. Then when he go to work I just go shopping ah, suntanning ah, massage ah... Then at night he come back I ask him how his day went. It was a good life.

Anyway, we notice that there appear to be two different tribes of people in Thailand. There's the White Tribe, with their white skin, delicate features, nubile bodies. P astutely observed that he had yet to see a White Tribe girl with fat legs. Their stronghold is in the north, called Chiang Mai, a place of plenty and where the people live in harmony. There are endless acres of fertile green fields and their ruler is a High Queen, fair and just. They defend their land with courage and honour. Here are a few examples:

Ok you get the idea right? That's White Tribe. Basically you see already is *bsshhhhh* kenah nosebleed one.

Then there's the Black Tribe, who come from the south. As their name suggests, they have dark complexion and more... uh... simian features. Again, some examples. RAAARRRR!!!:

Yep... You don't wanna run into a Blackie in a dark alley. Their headquarters is apparently in the south where the sun is always hidden by putrid dark clouds and there are hordes of Blackies toiling in the iron mines while others are busy working in the forges banging away at red hot steel, crafting wicked-looking weapons for the army that they are secretly amassing for the final assault on their hated foes, the Whities, cowardly hiding in their ivory towers in Chiang Mai. In the unspeakable Black Tribe stronghold in the south, you can find all manner of ungodly creatures. There, they have what seem like huge war elephants, three times as large as normal elephants but with sharp carnivorous teeth. And the Black Tribe sorcerers are always trying to cook up some potion for their evil king to take so as to let him live longer ang longer. Apparently ang mohs like to hook up with Black Tribe girls because they find them more 'exotic' (read: good BJ lips).

Our guess was that Bangkok is like the middle ground where an uneasy truce exists between the Black Tribe and the White Tribe since the Blackies were beaten back to the south in the last Great War. But even in Bangkok, you can find exquisite shopping centres with all the posh brands where most of the shoppers are White Tribe women (this was where we spent a lot of time). And then there are other more dodgy 'hoods where most of the people are Blackies and they will try to sell you drugs and push their women on you. All very interesting. The tragedy of racial division in Thailand.

Anyway, we went to Chat-Tu-Chat market where there's all sorts of stuff. Somehow Chat-Tu-Chat makes people get this disease. I call it the Must-Get-________-Disease. If you get the Must-Get-________-Disease, you are siao liao. You will have this irresistable urge to buy a certain item and will roam Chat-Tu-Chat endlessly until you find whatever it is that you are looking to buy.

P kenah the Must-Get-Camo-Pants-Disease. Camo pants are basically pants/berms which have camo pattern. This is what they look like:

Which actually seems quite easy to find right? But nooo.... the first camo pants that caught P's eye had MARPAT camo. As I explained to P, MARPAT is the new US and Canadian military camouflage. Apparently there's like a lot of research put into this. And, apparently, US and Canadian scientists have found that by making the camo patterns look like Tetris Block Build Game, its harder for the enemy to see you. Here's what a MARPAT camo pattern looks like:

And here's the exact same pair of MARPAT camo berms that P was looking for:

I tell you ah... P was like a rabid dog man. Running all over Chat-Tu-Chat looking for his MARPAT shorts. But ALL the stores in Chat-Tu-Chat either don't have this pattern or don't have his size or were trying to sell the pants at like super-exhorbitant prices! In the end we had to eave Chat-Tu-Chat without the MARPAT shorts. I only realise how desperate for the camo shorts P was when about 4 nights later I went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night and saw a pair of camo shorts on the table. After I had gone to sleep, P had been gone out to one of the roadside stores to look for a pair of camo shorts in the middle of the night! So he finally had his camo shorts. Although they were not MARPAT camo shorts.

For me, I kenah the Must-Get-Ah-Kua-Bag-Disease. But mine was a milder case. For your info, an Ah Kua Bag is those really really big bags that only fashionable guys carry. They look like Auntie Bags but there is apparently a very subtle difference (which I am not too sure about myself). Anyway, if you carry one, although other guys will think that you are a faggot, you confirm will get a lot of hot chicks one. Check it:

I tried my best to look for one. But most of them looked more like Auntie Bags leh so I didn't get one.

Anyway, fabulous Bangkok. Damn steady. Next time must go back there again.

Must.... get.... Ah... Kua.... Bag......

I Sell My Car and Get a Shitload of Cash

2008-03-24T00:57:00.008+07:00

So I sold my silver Mercedes Benz C180 Kompressor recently. I'm really cut up inside to have lost such a gorgeous car. Some good memories in there (had the leather seats cleaned twice at the buyer's request... seriously.. some people..).

So to cheer myself up, I had the car dealer pay me in cash. Here's what Rp137,000,000 looks like in denominations of Rp100,000 and Rp50,000.

With the help of a wad of notes from the latest drug bust, Inspector Teo

demonstrated to the media the painful process by which the syndicates'

drug runners concealed the merchandise on their body.

I thought he'd have to bring it in a suitcase like in the movies but this would probably hardly fill a large lunch box. I actually really wanted him to bring it in Rp1,000s but figured it might have been too much trouble to count all of it.

Itchy Backsides

2008-03-24T00:13:00.008+07:00

So I just had dinner with L and A. Beside our table got one Indonesian family eating dinner. Wah on the table got one woman got a really itchy backside. The whole dinner she scratch and scratch and scratch. Some more she scratch is not like a bit a bit one. Hers is FULL ON scratching action. Like reach real deep so that you can reach your asshole that kinda scratching. Steady. I admire women like that. Got balls. Check it:

Sometimes Emily's wedgie fetish was too hard to resist

and she would relieve it at the most awkward moments.

Here's another picture. This time she was really getting into it:

Michelle cheated at poker by cunningly using the wormhole in
her anus to access extra cards that she hid in her hotel room. It
also had the added benefit of generating quantum deterministic
causality effects that distorted the surrounding space-time
continuum which blurred out the security cameras and
prevented them from catching her in the act.

Damn shiok. I see her scratch I also feel like scratching. But I paiseh.

Batman, Son of Superman

2008-03-21T14:46:00.005+07:00

My friend send me this picture. Just because "Robin" is a legitimate ang moh name, doesn't mean that "Batman" is.

Apart from having picked a ridiculous name, young Sudrajat didn't realise that

the birth date on his fake ID still rendered him too young to consume alcohol.

Might as well call himself "Cockanathan" even better right?

Cheebye Juice Perfume

2008-03-17T21:27:00.009+07:00

Wah lan eh the other day K sent me this link (er.. it's not workplace safe hor).

Steady right?! Cheebye flavoured perfume. What will they think of next?

This could be the start of a whole cottage industry. Imagine, if you are a woman in some third world country, everyday just take your cheebye juice, put into a mineral water bottle, then when the bottle is full, you sell it to a cheebye juice dealer, who gives you five bucks, and collects all the cheebye juice-filled mineral water bottles, and sells it to some big ang moh factory which then refines all the cheebye juice and put preservatives (or not) and then put into small chic-looking bottles, call it some classy name (or not) like "Vulva" and then sell it as some ridiculous price to some horny old men who for some strange reason, want to smell like cheebyes. Genius.

But then it makes you wonder who are all these women they get the cheebye juice from. And are those cheebyes clean or not. Or is it like ni na bei chao cheebye. Ya lor.. What if you pay $50 for one of those cheebye bottles but actually the cheebye juice is not from some young nymph but actually from some old wrinkled grandmother lao cheebye. Then how? You never know right?

Maybe I also can do. Everytime I PCC I just PCC into a mineral water bottle. I think three times should be able to fill up liao. Then I call it a sexy name like "Ambrosia" and sell it for like $1000 per bottle. Sure got a lot of people buy one. But my one will have certificate to show that it is really true blue authenticated Jimmy Lee Kalimantan lan jiao juice. Then those girls, when they do themselves and they're gonna cum already, just squeeze ("Ambrosia" will come in a convenient squeezy bottle) it on their face and think of me. For better effect, put the bottle into a bowl of warm water for ten minutes before starting.

Steady right?

I Amuse Myself With Email Fraudsters

2008-02-28T10:31:00.018+07:00

So recently, after the international success of Marlboro Decepticon II (more popularly referred to as "Marlboro Transformer" in Europe), I've been bored and in need of new amusement. So I'm now playing this game I invented myself called "Get the Email Fraudster to Say That He is a Chao Cheebye Failing Which Show Him a Picture of a Large Succulent Penis".

Let me explain. Everyone gets these cock emails from Burkina Faso asking you to claim a ridiculously large sum of money which belonged to some poor yak farmer in Mongolia who inherited it from the 12th Tsar of Russia as he (the farmer) was actually the great-half-grandson of the Tsar but then the farmer died in a skiing accident in Hokkaido and since the sender is the bank administrator of the funds, he needs a foreigner to take control of the funds because of some funny Burkina Fasoan law, the money will be seized by the government if it is unclaimed for more than eight years. Have you wondered what would happen if you replied to these emails? Well I have been replying. My goal is to make one of these email fraudsters write down in an email, "I [insert name of email fraudster] am a chao cheebye". If they don't do it, then I will send them a picture of a big fat penis (Mine actually. It is, after all, the biggest and fattest penis I have ever seen. If you want to see, pls send me an email). It's as simple as that.

Here's an email I got last week:

----- Original Message ----
From: yusuf musa yusuf_musaoo2008@latinmail.com
To: yusuf_musaoo2008@latinmail.com
Sent: Monday, February 4, 2008 4:37:42AM
Subject: DEAR FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND,

I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER IN BANK OF AFRICA (BOA), UAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. I HOPED THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO REPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR
FAMILIES.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF (USD$25) MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 10 TO 14 BANKING DAYS. THIS MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANK WITHOUT CLAIM. I WANT THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER (THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT) DIED ALONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN IN AN AIR CRASH SINCE JULY, 2000. I DON'T WANT THE MONEY TO GO INTO OUR BANK TREASURER ACCOUNT AS AN ABANDONED FUND. SO THIS IS THE REASON WHY I CONTACTED YOU SO THAT THE BANK CAN RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER. PLEASE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL AS A TOP SECRET AND DELETE IT IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED.UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, I WILL GIVE YOU FULL DETAILS ON HOW THE BUSINESS WILL BE EXECUTED AND ALSO NOTE THAT YOU WILL HAVE 30% OF THE ABOVE MENTIONED SUM IF YOU AGREE TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME? AND 10% WILL BE SET ASIDE FOR ANY EXPENSES THAT WARRANT ON THE PROCESS BEFORE THE FUND GET INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SUCH AS TELEPHONE CALLS BILLS (ETC).

BEST REGARD.
MR YUSUF MUSA.

So, trying to be helpful, I reply:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musaoo2008@latinmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, February 5, 2008 11:49:59AM
Subject: Re: DEAR FRIEND

I'd like to help but I am in Indonesia. Surely I can't be the nearest person to you?

But this guy insists that I am and even sends me an incredibly long email with a form to fill in (it's too long to post here). Then I notice that part of the form is spelled wrongly. So I send him this:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 12:04:05 PM
Subject: Re: More Detail and application form.

I think there's an error in your application form. "foreign" is spelled wrongly. Please correct it and send it back to me.

thanks.

To my surprise, the guy actually sends me this, attaching the corrected form!:

----- Original Message ----
From: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
To: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2008 3:50:32 PM
Subject:
urgent

Dear Brother, Thanks for correcting me please proceed

Yusuf Musa

Win liao lor. This guy so fucking cock actually believe me. So I try to get him to call "999" to report himself to police:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
Sent: Wednesday, February 13, 2008 1:29:55
AM
Subject: Re: urgent

Hi,
I haven't received the phonecall. Shall I try to call you instead?

----- Original Message ----
From: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
To: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, February 8, 2008 1:40:46 AM
Subject: urgent

Dear Brother,

Ok, i will call you today but please proceed in our bussiness ok

Yusuf Musa

Jimmy Lee Kalimantan wrote:

Hi,I just need to speak to you about a few things before I fill up the form. Won't take more than two minutes. Could you give me a call at +65-99-90-0983 please? (The +65 is the country code for Singapore. You'll need it since you are calling overseas).

I tried calling you but didn't get a response.

Thanks.

But he never reply leh. So I drop the bomb:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee
Kalimantan jimmyleekalimantan@yahoo.com
To: yusuf musa yusuf_musa33@yahoo.fr
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2008 11:56:02 AM
Subject: Re:
urgent

Hi, I tried calling you but still can't get through after a few days. Actually my requirement is very simple. In my culture, business deals such as this are usually sealed with an affirmation of sincerity. In my language, "chao cheebye" is the highest form of sincere person. I simply require you to send me an email reply to the effect that "I, yusuf musa, affirm that I am a chao cheebye" before we can do business.

I understand that this may seem a little strange but it is important for me as I need something in black and white which I can show my parents who can be quite particular about these traditions.

Thank you very much.

No response. So now there is nothing more left to do than send him a picture of my big juicy lan jiao:

----- Original Message ----
From: Jimmy Lee Kalimantan
To: yusuf musa
Sent: Tuesday, March 4, 2008 10:17:34 PM
Subject: Re: urgent

Dear Mr Yusuf,

I am attaching a word document with my bank details. Please help me by sending me the email with your statement. Also, please do not hesitate to let me know if you need anymore information. You can call me at +65-99-90-0983.

Thank you.

Jimmy

And I attached a Word document with a picture of a big lan jiao on it. If he reply, I'll post here.

In the meantime I'm gonna try with other email fraudsters. I hope you all will give it a go too.

Cockanathan.

Transformers Speak Bahasa Indonesia

2008-02-09T11:50:00.000+07:00

Indonesia very steady. Until now still showing the first generation of Transformers cartoons. But luckily these Transformers all go language training before so can speak Indonesian. Check it:

I love the way the voice actors try to inject emotion into the dialogue. Like at the beginning the Decepticon with the falsetto voice goes, "pekerjaan aku seleSAIiiiii!" which translates into "my work is finished!!" But his "selesai" sounds damn cock.

The dialogue at the last part between Megatron and Optimus Prime is classic:

Megatron (to Optimus Prime): Aku akan menguapkanmu!
Translation: I'm gonna to make you steam*!

Prime (sounding constipated): Kau kalah, Megatron.
Translation: You're a loser, Megatron.

Megatron: Begini ya? Dengar, Prime. Kau tidak akan pintar memiliki electroCELLku!
Translation: Like that is it? Listen, Prime. You are not capable enough to get my ElectroCELL!

And then Megatron proceeds to blow up his "Electrocells" which I guess is the Indonesian word for Energon.

Actually, to take it a step further, if, in the above dialogue, you replace "tron" with "wati" and "Prime" with "SBY" and "Electrocell" with "electorate", it sounds like a pretty apt representation of a hypothetical confrontation during Indonesia's 2004 presidential elections.

Actually the best part is when Optimus Prime says, "Autobot! Berubah dan berangkat!" which translates literally into "Autobot! Change and go!" Sounds like your father fuck you when you were a kid, "boy ah! late for school already! Faster change and go ah!"

But too bad by that time my camera run out of memory leh. I try to record some more next time.

* "uap" in Indonesian can be directly translated into "steam".

Marlboro Decepticon and Friends Lai Liao!

2008-02-04T11:01:00.000+07:00

Ok I know everybody wait very long. But finally I finish the video liao. Marlboro Decepticon is back! And this time he brought his friends with him...

The Debauchetrons detested the new Decepticon policy

which required them to ad-lib the sound effects to their

transformations so as to sound "more professional".

Citizen Journalism is Gan Pua Steady

2008-01-25T10:11:00.000+07:00

So R just introduced me to these videos on You Tube of these gan fierce Singaporeans at their finest. In Singapore, the more hiong you are, the more respect you get. So without much further ado, I show you my favourite ones:

Hiong Lift Aunty

I don't know what the story behind this is but it starts off damn action packed with a security guard trying to prevent a couple of aunties from going into a lift. One of them is saying something like the guy (who is filming the whole thing from inside the lift) kicked her first. At the same time, another aunty on the left tries to help her by telling the security guard that "I saw it also". The aunty is like going absolutely beserk and it sounds like she's slapping the security guard at one point. I think most steady is the security guard. Can hold off the aunties for so long. The guy inside the lift is chao ah kua. Only know how to video the thing and say "dun block my lift!". But the best part is at the end when the first aunty takes some kinda whip-like thing and whips it at the guy in the lift. Gan hiong.

Crazy MRT Aunty

This one my favourite. Apparently the backstory is that the aunty had been following the guy for some time in the MRT station and then he couldn't take it anymore so he whipped out his video camera phone and started recording her. This clip wins Best Swear Word and Rude Gesture Creativity award. Got "chao cheebye" got "kan ni na beh" some more got Middle Finger and Fist to Open Palm manoeuvre. I give five stars plus favourite on You Tube. The best part is at the end when the aunty walks away and the guy asks "Aunty, no more oreadi ah?". An instant classic.

Ang Moh Fight Two Singapore Girls

This one also quite hiong. Apparently there's some "star blogger" called Michelle Quek who won some blogger award or something (guess there's something for me to aspire to). So anyway, the story is Michelle Quek was minding her own business but her bag accidentally bumped against some ang moh dude and his girlfriend. Then suddenly the ang moh guy and his girl go crazy and start hantaming Michelle Quek! Ah *kbsh* *bsh* *bsh*. Wah damn hiong. But luckily got helpful Singaporean passerby to catch the ang moh. Steady. We Are Singapore. Most steady is the guy in the checked shirt. He go and fuck the ang moh, "this is Singapore ok! Not your country! SINGAPORE AH!!" Then later he give one damn steady guai lan face. But most loser is the ang moh. Just stand there with his cock face looking like some schoolboy who's getting fucked by his principal. Then later he still try to run away and then kena caught again. Damn cock. Some more he damn unglam. Wear baggy t-shirt with belt pouch. Even if he is in the right I also condemn him.

So anyway, there you have it. Singapore citizen journalism at its finest. One day I also hope I kena hantam by some aunty in Singapore then I also can become famous.

Cock Too Small? Just Add Balls

2008-01-02T14:47:00.000+07:00

So someone decided that Jakarta needs to have some sort of 'subway system' in order to make it 'world class'. But no money to dig tunnels. So how? Easy. Just close of one lane of traffic throughout the busiest roads in Jakarta by spending millions of dollars to raise said lane by one foot, thereby worsening traffic conjestion, i.e., the very same problem that any normal subway system is supposed to alleviate, buy a few hundred snazzy, custom-made buses (the doors have to be about a meter off the ground - see below - in order to reach the specially-built bus-stops designed with passenger platforms very high off the ground so as to simulate the experience of being at a real subway stop which, against conventional wisdom, have been built on the road dividers between lanes, thereby neccesitating special custom-built overhead bridges for passengers to reach them), then drive the buses around the city, passing them off as subway trains, and hope no one notices the difference.

Busdriver Bill never quite figured out whether Keanu meant
miles or kilometres per hour when he said "stay above fifty!".

So anyway, this is the logo for the 'Busway' system:

Oh look. It's an eagle. Just like those American bald eagles associated with cool, high quality American service. But this one better. This eagle got balls. Balls so big that they're the same size as its head. Imagine if you had balls the size of your head. How to walk? And that's not all. Not satisfied with the boring old two balls, Transjakarta Eagle has three! That's how man he is.

Why have three balls? Because, as you can see from the close-up above, Transjakarta Eagle (he's like a mascot. They call him Tran-E. He goes to little kids' birthday parties and all) has no lan jiao. Or perhaps his lan jiao is so small that you can't see it. So how? Just have balls that are ten times bigger than real life and add an extra one for good measure. That'll show those stupid Americans.

Like L says, "more bigger, more better!"

Akan Datang...

2007-12-30T02:21:00.001+07:00

My Facebook Friend Needs Someone to Fuck Her Face

2007-12-27T17:15:00.000+07:00

So I'm on Facebook. And I realise that there are people on Facebook who randomly add strangers as friends so that they can bump up the number of friends on their profile and look more popular.

Enter Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl:

"I'm a cute imbecile! Tee hee!"

She added me about two weeks ago. Thinking that she was probably someone that I had sex with accidentally in the past (I tend to do that a lot), I decided to add her out of pity. But then I think think think think think.. I really don't know this person leh.. And she's fucking cock. Always sending me invites to retarded applications like "Do You Like Me?" or "Am I Hot?" or "Aren't I A Cutesey Wutesey Little Bitchsy Witsey Who Needs To Be Cockslapped*"

So I had a look at her profile. It is fucking retarded. She's got something like 68 applications on her Facebook profile. I guess its supposed to make one look like an interesting person. Well guess what retard? It just makes you look retarded. I mean what kinda retard has 68 applications on Facebook?

So anyway, right at the top of the profile at the status update, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is waiting for new year day". New YEAR day? I suppose you enjoyed "Christma" morning as well huh?

Ok maybe that was just low. But then there's the applications themselves. There's the "More About Me" application which, as its name suggests, lets you answer more questions about yourself so that people know you better. Here are Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's answers. Honestly, I did not edit anything whatsoever:

About Me

Right-handed or left-handed: Right Handed

Goal you would like to achieve this year: Buy A Rolex For Myself

Do you want to go to college: i wish i could

Most embarrassing moment: alot .........

My perfect pizza: i eat anything . . . . .

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

What would you do with a million dollars: lot's of things i got to do

What can't you live without: alot

Do you sing: neh

What can't you live without: alot

My weakness: umm........

Silver or Gold: both

What makes you laugh: lot's of things

Do you play a musical instrument: nope nope. But wanted to learn

Who was the last person that called you: umm..........

Favorite candy bar: umm.........

That's real informative man. Is there anything else you can say apart from "lot's", "alot" and "umm.......". More full stops doesn't mean more intelligence you know. Fucking retard.

Also, I counted no less than three "hug me" type applications. There's "FriendHug":

As well as "Hugs" and "HugMe". Wow. What? Your friends can't online hug you enough with one application? And what kinda idiots send "hugs" online anyway? I think she needs a "cockslap me" application. Sure get a lot of hits one.

Ok and then there's the cutesy applications. Fuck. She's got this in spades man. There's "What Kinda Lover Are You?":

I'm "The Care Bear"!

Aww, aren't you sweet. You are the sensitive lover, in tune with your partner's needs and perhaps the Lifetime Channel. You care more about pleasing your lover than you do yourself, which is ironic because pleasing your partner is the only way you can please yourself. You probably own a stuffed animal.

And then, right below that, by sheer coincidence, on her "What is Your Ideal Lover" application, it says:

I need "The Care Bear"!

Oh, you poor thing. You've been hurt, haven't you? Come, cry on my shoulder. My naked, naked shoulder. You are looking for a sensitive lover, someone who can spoon with you through the next episode of Sex And the City. You want someone that cares more about the 'after' part than the 'during' part. Also, you want someone who can stay awake for the 'after' part.

SPOON with you?! I'll fucking spoon your eyes out you fucking idiot.

If that wasn't enough, she's got a "garden" with cutesy wustesy beesy weesies and butterfwies and, count 'em... nine cutesy wutesy wabbits:

There's more. She's got "Sketch Me" which, presumeably replaces your photo with a cunning computer generated "sketch". Guess what, genius? It's called an image filter and it comes with Adobe Photoshop. And it makes you look even cock-er than you do normally:

Piltdown Woman's body was almost perfectly
preserved for 3 million years in the hard arctic ice.

Hey look, look! I can make myself look like a sketch too! Tee hee! LOLZ!!!!!! :))):

Nifty huh?

And then as if its not enough, her friends are cocks too! Here's some of the things they send around to "cheer up" each other's day:

I'll give you some of my droppings if you want.

But the best part is, the other day, I went to Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's profile to see which cock has been sending all these cock applications to me. And then I noticed that she's got this application that presumably gives you an IQ test and publishes it on your profile. So on her profile, it says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!"

But I'm like, waitaminute, an IQ of 100 is just in the average intelligence band. Not very high on the average intelligence band in fact. So why the fuck would you show it to the whole world? So that people know that you're of lower tier average intelligence? What a loser. (I, on the other hand, totally have a valid reason to let everyone know).

So anyway, I go and show L what kinda stupid people I meet on Facebook. But the What's My IQ application is gone from Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl's page! We spend about five minutes sifting through all her 68 cutesy applications but there's no "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl has an IQ of 100!" leh. It was at this point when we both came to the conclusion that she probably thought having an IQ of 100 was like getting full marks for the IQ test. And then somehow she realised how far that was from reality and decided to take down the application in case people realise what an turd brain she is and don't want to online hug her anymore.

Anyway, I couldn't resist so I post on her Wall, "Guess IQ 100 doesn't mean full marks huh?" Five minutes later, she gleefully replies, "IQ 100 means almost 0 IQ ........hahahahahaha : D", thus proving the theory that L and I had. Then I asked her how come she added me to her Facebook and she goes "Good Question .............I dunno ..........hahahahaahahahaha : D".

Who, in the blue fuck, writes that many "haha"s?

She's also got tons of applications to check (and double check) if people like her. Like "Am I Hot?", "Are YOU Interested?", "Vote Me For Most Eligible Single", "Am I Popular?", "Hot Or Not" (in case you missed the first "Am I Hot" application), "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?", "Am I A Great Lover?", "Will You Kiss Me?" and "CRUSH ME" (which is, again, another variation of "Do You Have A Secret Crush On Me?"). Good God.

Oh and there's one other application on her profile that I think makes you do a quiz and publishes your mental age on your site. This one says "Fucking Cock Cutesy Retard Girl is 15 years old!". 'Nuff said.

I cannot take it. I just want to go up to her and start punching her face, ah *bsh* *bsh* *bsh*. I've been trying to remove her but there seems to be a problem with Facebook and "remove friend" just doesn't seem to work.

Fucking retard.

* There has been considerable confusion and disagreement on whether a "cockslap" refers to (a) an act of assault on another person where his cock gets slapped by the assailant or; (b) when a person has his/her face slapped by a cock. I have considerable anecdotal evidence that it is the latter.

I Am Famous

2007-12-27T02:17:00.000+07:00

I think this qualifies me to call myself "world renowned". Someone should do a Wikipedia page on me.

Ugly People

2007-12-27T01:49:00.000+07:00

It sometimes gets tiresome being here in Jakarta. What with the stress of waiting out the jam in my chauffeur-driven Mercedes Benz and waiting for people to make up their minds on whether they want to come into the lift or not (trust me, it is extremely infuriating).

So I pass my time by taking covert pictures of ugly people. Since there's so many around and they're too stupid to realise that they're being photographed. There's just an indescribable thrill taking photos of an ugly person and going in as near as you dare without them realising it.

Anyway, here are some of my personal best:

Derek was proud of his long nails.

This guy was grooming himself in the same lift I was in on the way up to the office. He had obviously taken great care in achieving that punk rocker look, what with the thumb ring, the black beanie, the retro shirt and the leather band bracelet. He also had grown out all his finger nails till they were all at least one inch long. If I remember correctly, he was checking his face for pimples. In front of the approximately ten people in the lift. Classy.

Then there's the fat lady in the Italian restaurant. Here she is stuffing her face with garlic bread. If you look closely, you'll see that she forgot to shave today:

Eric realised, to his horror, that the beehive was no longer in vogue.

Finally there's Indonesian Aunty With Big Hair And Flabby Upper Arms. The picture does not do her hair size justice. It was at least twice as big in real life:

Mary discussed her gang bang scene in the food court.

Am I good or what?

The Beautiful Language

2007-12-25T19:23:00.000+07:00

So I got this weird rash on my left forearm (for a change). Like its been there a while so I decided to see a doctor. Then I realised that I don't know how to say "rash" in Indonesian. So I asked my staff. So then she said "rash", in Indonesian, is called "merah merah" which is directly translated into "red red". So I'm like, well is there another, more specific, term for "rash" cos "merah merah" just seems kinda generic. And she's like nope, you just go to the doctor and say you got some "merah merah" on your arm...

Unbelievable. What kinda cock language does not have a specific term for "rash"? So I guess the Indonsian word for diarrhea is what? "Brown brown"? Which, in Indonesian, is... waitaminute. There isn't an Indonesian word for "brown" either. The colour brown, in Indonesian, is called "coklat" or "chocolate". Which makes you wonder what word they used for "brown" before the advent of chocolate. Maybe they said "shit". Which would make "diarrhea" translate into "shit shit". Which I guess is pretty accurate.

Fucking idiots.

SPG TV

2007-12-15T23:36:00.000+07:00

So recently I was in Bali for work. It was bad. Everyday work until half die half live. But its ok. Every night after I go back to my hotel room, they got one TV channel that always make me perk up. It's called "SPG TV". I tell you ah. This channel is damn good. Every night got a different SPG to introduce you to those place where, if you are an ang moh, sure got a lot of SPG waiting for you one. You see, I never bluff you. This particular host is called "Nina":

Nina demonstrates the correct posture for ang moh hunting.

I show you close up of the screen to prove that it's really "SPG TV":

"v" suffered from severe stage fright...

So each episode of SPG TV will show the SPG of the day go to dunno wat spa la.. or dunno wat hotel in Maldives la.. And then ride boat.. or ride jetski or go suntanning. Usually got a lot of ang mohs around. Then the SPG always say until like the hotel or spa or whatever is like gan pua nice like that. And then her voice must make until like steam steam like that, like, "oh this massage is SOOoo goOOod.. this experience is HEAvenly"... I hear already I also steam.

So I tried to look around Bali to see whether got SPG for me or not. But dun have leh. Bali seems like only got a lot of fat ang moh environmentalists. You know.. those kind of tua pui sai* who so old already but still don't have boyfriend or husband or children. Then they have a lot of cats at home to keep them company. And before they sleep they will watch TV with all their cats while they lick whipped cream straight from the can. Those type of tua pui sai (henceforth abbreviated as "TPS") ang moh woman who got nothing in their lives so they become environmentalists cos all those environmentalist groups got a lot of tasty young hunky guys for them to oggle. I show you one example. This one was trying to cut queue in front of me when we were collecting our passes:

George was constantly embarassed by Bertha who
insisted on making her presence known.

Oh ya I forgot to say that these TPSs usually like to talk very loud cos they scared that people don't notice them. I think that's where they got the phrase "throw your weight around".

After you see one TPS like this, I think you need ten hours of SPG TV just to recuperate.

* literally "big fat shit" in Hokkien.

881 in Jakarta!!!

2007-12-15T22:31:00.000+07:00

Steady pom pi pi pi pi pi pi pi!!! Royston Tan and Big Papaya come to Jakarta for first time 881 screening! If you don't know what I am talking about, then you are chao cheebye (see previous post). Damn steady. Somemore Royston and Big Papaya did a small performance. If you look carefully at this picture, you can see Big Papaya gesturing at me to go backstage with her:

Mutant Chicken requested for the lights to be turned
down so that her eggs would not hatch premturely.

But I very paiseh. So never go with her. Girls always ask me to come with them but I always try to control. Anyway, after the movie I got to take picture with both of them:

Jimmy fervently wished that his fans would stop making him
pull those ridiculous faces when they posed with him.

I ask them where is Small Papaya but they say she cannot come leh. So sad. Auntie Ling also cannot come. Royston said they're doing a prequel of the movie. Maybe called 880. Actually I wanted to tell him that my voice is very tok kong and I can sing Ji Pa Ban so he should make me his lead actor. But he too busy leh. Never mind la. Next year 7th month getai he'll sure notice me on one.

In the meantime, who want to listen to my Ji Pa Ban, just let me know and next time I go to Singapore I sing for you.

Hokkien Songs for Dummies

2007-12-02T15:34:00.000+07:00

Ok who haven't seen 881 better go and see now. Who never see means who is chao cheebye. Actually the movie is a bit boh liao. But the songs really make me feel my Hokkien roots.

Anyway, so I go and listen to all the 881 songs. And then I went to ross reference with the real Hokkien oldies for comparison. Then I realise actually Hokkien songs quite meaningful one. But very hard to understand because uh.. its in Hokkien, and last time my O-level Hokkien only got B3. But after listening for more than 100 times, I found that Hokkien songs are peppered with a few recurring elements. If you can master these elements, you basically can understand any Hokkien song. So in order to help promote this genre of music, I have compiled some basic ubiquitous phrases that can usually be heard in most Hokkien songs:

1. Cham. Meaning tragic, down in the dumps, unlucky, etc.. you get the picture. Every Hokkien song is cham. In the Hokkien song industry, the success or failure of your songs is almost entirely dependent on how cham the protagonist in your song is. The more cham the better. Born in a dumpster? Is your mother a beggar and your father a rubbish collector? Did you everyday fight with wild dogs for food and when you grow up already your mother sold you to a brothel for a meal ticket only to be bullied by your fellow prostitutes and later kena cancer and have to go hospital everyday, endure injections that make you drop hair and eat medicine that make you want to vomit and every night you pray to your dead parents to come and bring you to heaven to keep them company? Ah.. then you are perfect candidate for Hokkien song. There is a perfect example in Twelve Lotus Flowers by the Mingzhu Sisters, the lyrics go something like "qi cham toh teng dio si wah". Which means "the peak of cham is me", thus exemplifying the central theme of most Hokkien songs.

2. Kor lian. Kor lian means pitiful, poor thing. Slightly different from cham which usually is used in reference to a more macroscopic state of the protagonist's life. Kor lian is usually used in more intimate references. Got kor lian lotus flower, kor lian begger which nobody wanna give money to, kor lian mother whose daughter left her and never come home, kor lian 40 year old woman who kena very cham illness (see the distinction?) and alive also not like alive, dead also not like dead, kor lian scholar who kena bonded for six years and get offered a job in McKinsey but have no money to pay off the bond. The list goes on and on. There's also kor lian dai which is a variation I assume means "poor thing person". This is usually used when the characters in the song speak to each other Like when the towkay's wife decides to take pity on the kor lian beggar, she says "wah.. I see you kor lian dai.. ok la... I buy less groceries today and give you some money for you to eat lunch la".

3. Ao bu. Stepmother. In Hokkien songs, stepmothers are always bad and don't love their stepchildren. Always don't give them enough to eat, make them go out to beg for money while their real children get to enjoy big fish for dinner, next time the stepchildren grow up already make them go and become prostitute. No matter how cham your life is, if your mother is not your biological mother, your cham-ness automatically times ten. Some characteristics of ao bu are, they prefer money over their stepchildren, they like to barter their stepchildren to brothels in exchange for ridiculously cheap items (usually food-related) like meal tickets or a plate of mee kia or some cheap rice wine. Also, if you are an ao bu, you must be drunk most of the time. This is the number one rule of ao bu. If you are a self-respecting ao bu, you will go to great lengths to maintain your state of drunkedness. If not, you will be sleeping because the last defining characteristic of an ao bu is that you must be lazy. You'd rather sleep or drink than do any real work. So much so that you sponge dry your family which leaves them in the cham state that they are always in, hence, fulfilling the prerequisite state of affairs that sets the stage for a classic Hokkien song.

4. Sim tiong. Literally means "within the heart". Anything and everything that means anything in any Hokkien song is said from sim tiong. Only from your sim tiong, you can tell your girlfriend you love her. From sim tiong, a prostitute can pine for her favourite client to one day save enough money from his small Hokkien mee business to buy her out of her bondage. If you really love someone, then your sim tiong bo pak lang. i.e., there is no one else inside your heart. In the world of Hokkien song, sim tiong means everything. Even if you go downstairs to order kopi-o but you never order from your sim tiong, the kopi tiam uncle will not serve you. Conversely, if you go and see a prostitute and then you tell her that from your sim tiong, she is the only one for you, there is a good chance that she will give you free of charge. Or at least next time half price. Remember. Sim tiong means everything.

5. Huay. Flower. In Hokkien song, it is taboo to mention a girl by name. This is to protect her modesty. So a popular literary device is to use a flower as metaphor for a (usually kor lian) young girl. So there's lian huay which is lotus flower, then there's kek huay which is chrysanthemum flower, and suay huay - small flower. More modern Hokkien songs sometimes eschew mentioning the specific type of flower for brevity and resort to the less classy ah huay which can be simply translated into "Miss Flower" which, frankly, sounds slightly crass. Refering to girls as flowers allows the Hokkien song writer to extend the metaphor of the flower to the girl's life. So, in keeping with the theme of cham, the budding huay will fall to the ground and get swept away by the wind before it has a chance to bloom. In another instance, a girl tells her lover not to pick the "wild flowers" by the side of the road even though the spring wind is blowing flower petals all over the young man. Pure genius.

6. Kum cheng. Means "feeling". Perhaps somewhat analogous to the Western concept of "soul". Kum cheng can refer to the feeling of sisterhood or togetherness between two prostitutes or the true love that a girl feels for her soulmate (but usually unrequited due to the cham effect). As beautifully expressed in one of the more frequently heard songs in 881, "jit lang jit pua, kum cheng buay sua. Jit lang jit su ku, kam cheng jia eh gu", meaning "one person one half, then our kum cheng won't be scattered. One person one quarter, then our kum cheng will last long". Sheer poetry.

7. Robert Lee. If you are a brothel client, your name must be Robert Lee. This is largely because Robert Lee rhymes perfectly with "ke yi" which means "can" or "sure thing". For instance, one of the songs goes, "Robert Lee, Robert Lee, yao wo mummy ah ye ke yi" which means, "Robert Lee, Oh Robert Lee, even if you want the brothel mummy, sure thing". Robert Lee is usually described as a suave, well-dressed and rich client whose visits all the prostitutes look forward to (which calls into question why he even needs to go to a brothel, but this is Hokkien song world where logic sometimes takes a backseat). In fact, this is probably why statistically, if you were a Hokkien male born during the period of 1960 - 1970, there is a 39.8% chance that your parents decided to name you "Robert". Robert Lee is the man. You better remember that.

8. Seh kai. Meaning "the world" in general. This is usually used in the context of "yiu sek kai" or travel the world. In Hokkien song, when a poor young man dreams of having a lot of money in the future when he is washing his boss's car, he invariably dreams of yiu seh kai because this is something that only rich people do. If you're rich, you will automatically have travelled the world. It is simply a sign of affluence. In the more modern Ji Pa Ban (or "One Million Dollars"), the protagonist sings "nah si wah wu ji pa ban, wah beh jeh puay ki, wah ki yiu seh kai, Hawaii sai tai yang, ji bun jia sushiii" or "if I had a million dollars, I go and sit aeroplane, travel the world, go sun-tanning in Hawaii, go Japan and eat sushi". And in "Hang Cheng Pai" ("Times Are Bad"), the singer wonders how he can "chua kia chua boh yiu seh kai" ("bring my children and wife to travel the world") if he doesn't even have a steady job. Travelling the world is an important status symbol in Hokkien songs. If you haven't travelled the world, you are nothing.

9. Ji. Money. Having very cham lives, most Hokkien song protagonists worry about ji a lot. The stepmother in Twelve Lotus Flowers loved ji more than her stepdaughter (the "lotus flower"). Another songs laments "boh ji kai" or "no money to spend". On a happier note, in Ji Pa Ban, the singer merrily tells his friend that if he had a million dollars, "nah si li wu kiam eng ji, kui chui mian keh ki" ("if you owe someone money, just open your mouth and ask me for money, no need to be shy"). Ji makes the world go round. And its dearth is the key to the success of a Hokkien song.

So there you have it. Nine phrases you must know in order to understand Hokkien songs. Even if you can't understand most of the lyrics, just look out for these nine phrases and you can more or less guess the meaning of any song. For instance, if there is "cham" (most probably), "huay", "ao bu" and "kor lian", the song is probably about some pitiful girl who was ill-treated by her stepmother and had more or less a tragic, shitty life. Or if there is "kum cheng", "Robert Lee", "ji", and "seh kai", then it could be about a prostitute thinking about her feelings for Robert Lee who will one day come to rescue her with his money and bring her to travel the world.

Of course, I am but little more than a dilettante when it comes to Hokkien songs. You are welcome to email me or leave your comments if you discover any new Universal Hokkien Song Phrase that I should know.

In the meantime, I wish you all strike lottery and get a lot of ji so that you can donate to my MV Agusta fund. HUAT AH!!!

You are a Genius

2007-11-25T09:15:00.000+07:00

Ok I know I haven't been posting recently. Been kinda busy. So here's something to cheer you up:

So congratulations because if you can read this blog, means you are a GENIUS. Steady pom pi pi.

I Am Not Pak Jafar

2007-10-12T09:18:00.000+07:00

So apparently my mobile phone is using a recycled number that used to belong to one "Pak Jafar". How do I know this? Because I keep getting calls from people asking for Pak Jafar. This Pak Jafar ah.. I tell you. He must be either one damn champion philanthropist or some loan shark lor. Everyone asking him for money. Got one say the daughter gonna go to school need money lah... another one say the mother gonna die need money lah... And the best thing about these fucking idiots is, they are incapable of understanding that I am not Pak Jafar. Fucking idiots. Here's a typical conversation (and this is all translated from the original Indonesian by the way):

Caller Number 1: Hello Pak Jafar.. How's it going?

Me: Sorry this is the wrong number. There is no Pak Jafar here.

Caller Number 1: Huh?

Me: I am not Pak Jafar.

Caller Number 1: Uhh.. Why?

Me: I don't know. Maybe he cancelled his number.

Caller Number 1: Can I speak to Pak Jafar?

I hang up.

----------------------------------------------------------------

This is only a typical call. These idiots are incapable of understanding what I am saying. I'm sure it can't be my Indonesian because, seriously, how many wrong ways are there to say "wrong number" anyway? No. I think people are just stupid. My theory is that their brains are like 286 computers. So before they make the call, they already hard wire into their brains that they are going to talk to Pak Jafar. So that they can free up as much processing power to use on their conversation with Pak Jafar (cos there's not all that much to use anyway). So when I turn out to be NOT Pak Jafar, their tiny 286 processors cannot handle this unprecedented situation ("I called Pak Jafar... but the person who answer is NOT Pak Jafar?... Terminal error... Not within system parameters"). So they become like the more old fashioned car assembly robots when there is no car in place. The computer just plays out the algorithm anyway and the robot continues to bolt on doors to a non-existent car frame. Or continues to spray the paint into empty space. You get the picture. Pak Jafar's friends are no brainiacs.

Here's another illustrative example. I have, to the best of my abilities, tried to reproduce this conversation exactly the way it was without embellishments. Notice how Caller Number 2's conversation does not correspond in any way to my responses:

Caller Number 2: Eeeehhhhh.. helloooo Pak Jafar!! How's it going!!??

Me: Sorry wrong number. There is no Pak Jafar here.

Caller Number 2: Huh?

Me: You got the wrong number.

Caller Number 2: Ah? (286 processor working overtime now.) Ooooh ya.. How's it going Pak Jafar? This is Jusuf.

Me: You got the wrong number. I don't think Pak Jafar uses this number anymore.

Caller Number 2: Oooh.. ya ya.. (long pause)... So how's everything? I'm in Jakarta now Pak.

Me: Fuck you mother cheebye! (in English/Hokkien)

I hang up. His 286 is obviously incompatible with my Quad Core processor.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Then there are those who understand what's going on but insist on finding out the truth about Pak Jafar:

Caller Number 3: Hello Pak Jafar. How are you?

Me: I'm afraid you got the wrong number. I don't think Pak Jafar uses this number anymore.

Caller Number 3: Oh? Then who's this?

I tell him who I am and what organisation I work for.

Caller Number 3: Where is this?

Me (feeling the need to take a piss, I get up to walk to the toilet): This is in central Jakarta. Does it really matter?

Caller Number 3 (sounding more aggressive and suspicious): How come you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: I don't. I bought this phone new. I think the number must have been recycled.

Caller Number 3: Why are you using Pak Jafar's phone number? Who are you?

Again I tell him who I am and explain why I have Pak Jafar's phone number. By this time I have reached the toilet and I really need to stop talking to this idiot and pee.

Caller Number 3: Where are you now?! Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: I'm in the toilet, on the XX floor, in XXX building, on XXX road.

Caller number 3: Tell me who you are.

Me: (Unzipping my trousers) I told you already. (I tell him who I am again).

Caller Number 3: Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?!

Me: Well as I said just a minute ago, I am using a brand new SIM card on a brand new phone. I don't know Pak Jafar and I certainly did not take his phone. You see these telco companies sometimes find it more economical to re-use old telephone numbers and not come up with new numbers. After all, if they kept coming up with new numbers, telephone numbers would just get longer and longer. So you can see the logic in recycli-

Caller Number 3: Who are you? Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone? Where are you now?

Me: Sorry. Give me a minute. (Place the phone on top of the urinal and turn the phone to speaker mode).

Caller Number 3: Who is this?

Me: *pisssssssssssssss*.......

Caller Number 3: Why do you have Pak Jafar's phone?

Me: *pisssss*...

Caller Number 3: Where are you located now?

Me: *pisss*.... *piss* *piss* *piss* *tinkle* *tinkle*..

Caller Number 3: Who is this?! Wha?

Me: *shakeshakeshakeshakeshake*.. *zip* (pick up the phone). Hello? Hello?

The guy hung up. Don't say I wasn't trying to be helpful. Notice that his 286 processor, faced with an unfamiliar situation, opted to loop his "query identity/query ownership/query location" functions? Interesting how the primitive human mind works isn't it?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Then there are times when I get damn du lan with these people and just play along with them. This one is on SMS:

SMSer Number 1: "Greetings Pak Jafar. Hope everything is well. I was wondering if you would be able to help me with something. My mother is seriously ill and we need Rp30 million for her medical bills. Would it be possible for you to help out?"

Me: "Yeah sure."

SMSer Number 1: "That's wonderful Pak Jafar. Thank you for your generosity. When can we have the money?"

Me: "Tomorrow."

SMSer Number 1: "Sure Pak Jafar. Where should I meet you?"

Me: "Plaza Semanggi."

SMSer Number 1: "Ok Pak. What time?"

Me: "10am. Come alone."

No response. Half an hour later I get a call. I'm in a bar in Singapore at this time so, not only is there loud raunchy music blarring in the background, the caller is having to pay about two dollars a minute for the overseas call. Even the music is not enough to convince them that I am not Pak Jafar. They call back two times and I explain patiently (a bit more patiently than normal since I don't have to pay the long distance charges). Each time they say "oh.. ok thanks." But they just keep calling back. Only the third time then they stop calling.

Maybe they deserve it? Maybe not. But I still love messing with stupid people.

Steady right?

I Love My Bug Zapper Part II

2007-09-24T02:09:00.000+07:00

So remember last time I wrote about my bug zapper? Well I just want to say that I still think its the best damn thing in the world. Give me endless entertainment. Here's me and good ole' Shuangying, smiling for the camera:

With his first racquet endorsement, Pete had truly hit the big time.

So anyway, last night I was watching TV. There was a bumper crop of mosquitos lor. It's like they know they're gonna come and meet their doom but they just... keep... coming. Like Japanese kamikaze like that. So I've gotten quite good at zapping them now. Got a lot of practice. Check it out, I swear on my life that this is from one sitting:

Bug Zapper Trigger Hand No. 2 saluted his worthy adversaries.

Wanna see closer?

Brian's girlfriends were always impressed with his tame pet
mosquitoes who would often do tricks like play dead in formation.

Dun believe they're mosquitoes right? I show you closer some more. Notice my camera's solid macro function:

After a long day of field manouevres, the mosquito
platoon flopped onto their bed and went to sleep.

These mosquitoes ah... can make a lot of formation one. Here's their "Cluster Fuck Stance":

Left out in the open snow, the mosquitoes huddled together for warmth.

And this one I keep for next time my girlfriend's Valentine's Day card:

Brian's mosquitoes could be show-offish sometimes.

So anyway, throught the magic of video, we can now see the Shuangying Multifunction Mosquito Hitting Racket in action. Here's me making sure that the mosquitoes are really, truly dead. No camera tricks. You see the centre of the bug zapper? Halfway through the video got those little spots on them right? Ah those are the mosquitoes la. Then later when I tap the thing on the floor, you can see the dead bodies of the mosquitoes falling out if you look closely. Remember to turn on the sound ah:

Fucking cool right? I love it.

Did You Know?

2007-09-05T16:42:00.000+07:00

That the sound that Transformers make when they transform, commonly represented as the onomatopoeia, "chee cha cheh choh choo" (or "choo choh cheh cha chee" if transforming from vehicle to robot mode) begins as an 8 hz pulse repeated five times for 0.7 seconds each repeat whose pitch can be represented by the absolute value of a declining sine wave, with each zero-to-zero arc of the wave representing one of five cycles of the repetition. The actual value of the sine wave can be modified by factor N which is multiplied into the X value but divided into the Y value, which means that although the actual pitch is largely indefinite, in analog terms when the transform pitch is higher the length of each pulse is shorter, and conversely when the pitch is lower the length of each pulse is longer.

Well now you know. Dun say I never tell you.

Marlboro Decepticon Lai Liao!

2007-09-04T04:36:00.000+07:00

Last week my work computer got seriously fucked up. Of course the computer guys took two weeks to fix it, leaving me no choice but to buy a very sexy Macbook.

Wah this Macbook I tell you ah... Damn shiok. Can mix music, can play DVD, can take photo. And it looks so good that every time I look at it I get a boner. And best of all, can make home movie. Like this one:

Marlboro Decepticon never did feel comfortable saluting Megatron.

Steady right?

I Employ an "Ass Bartender"

2007-08-30T19:53:00.001+07:00

So the other day C told me he saw my driver trying to park my car in the basement car park. The guy tried to reverse into an impossibly small parking lot, and bumped into another car. And then when the parking attendant already told him cannot he still die die wanna try to reverse somemore. C said he drive my car like Daytona like that. Damn bochup. Wah I hear already I damn du lan. Kanina in front of me drive until so careful, so polite call me "Sir", somemore always help me to carry my groceries. Chao cheebye behind my back use my car play bumper car.

The whole day I just don't say anything. See how long he dowan to tell me. So that same night when he fetch me home, I asked him to give me the keys and then I say, "today the car got accident or not?" Kanina only then he start to tell me... actually he wanted to tell me but don't want to disturb me during the day so he wanna wait until I come home then tell me... then say actually he know he hit the other car liao but then he selected the wrong gear so instead of moving forward, he moved back some more.

Kanina lampah understand? The story don't make sense one. I ask you: if you're already in reverse gear, and you wanna select the move forward gear, cannot be you "select wrongly" back the reverse gear right? Fucking bullshit. Chao cheebye. I hate when people bluff me.

So I give him this month and next month's pay and ask him to fuck off. Wah. He die die don't wanna take the money. At first ask me don't fire him la... His father just die la.. Got wife and kids la.. I said I already very good already. Your father die I give you money. You sick I give you money see doctor. Your daughter go school I help you pay school fees. Help her buy school uniform. Cheebye one simple thing like take care of my car properly also cannot do. Wah then he realise no hope liao. So then he try to make me feel quilty. Say he so cham. Father just die, wife got no job, daughter still so young. Say if I don't give him money that means I don't care about him la. Don't care about his family la. Wah lan eh this type of dirty trick he also use. He know that I'm damn soft-hearted one. Not this time dude. I told him fuck off.

So then the next week I go look for driver. Saw two candidates but like not very good leh. Then my security guard say her cousin can drive car. Wah this guy damn standard man. His CV is actually TYPED WITH MICROSOFT WORD one. The other drivers only use pen to write on paper. I see already I damn impressed. Then I saw his experience. Damn champion. You see la:

I zoom in for you to see:

"Ass Bartender"? What's that? Like a specialist bartender who only serves asses at the bar? Or is it like some guy who tends to gay people's asses at the bar? I like this guy man. He make me laugh. Very funny. So I say, "hahahah! I like you! Tomorrow you come to my house and drive me to work!"

So now I got new driver. He's damn scared of me after he heard my story about how I fired the previous guy. Drive the car damn fucking careful. Until don't even dare to overtake people. But who cares? His CV is damn steady.

I'm a Fucking Genius

2007-08-06T16:35:00.000+07:00

Did you know that my IQ is 138? And that puts me in the 99.18th percentile?

That means that 99.18% of the population is stupider than me. Albeit the population of the US because the test is American. But still, that means I must be smarter than at least 98% of the whole world (including America). So assuming that the world's population is 6,602,224,175, there are an estimated 6,470,179,691.5 people stupider than me. In fact, there is a good chance that YOU might be stupider than me.

Check it. I never bluff you:

AND, last Saturday I went to karaoke, the karaoke machine scored me "91" when I sing Ji Pa Ban. Scared or not?

People Have Stupid Names

2007-07-14T12:30:00.000+07:00

This is what happens if you name yourself after a slang word for a private part and display it to all the world on a huge wedding wreath you sent to your friend because you want to flaunt your wealth.

Wedding guests admired Ramanna and Fanny's elaborate

flower wreath which featured a life-like bust of the Indonesian god

of fertility, Cheehongdhoyono, or One Who Breathes Life Into the Womb.

Showdown!!

2007-07-01T14:44:00.000+07:00

RRaaaarr!!!

Bank robber Bob was always particular about putting on his

glasses after his balaclava so that they would not get smudged.

So today D wanna challenge me to go kart race. I say come la! See who scared who. So we go to the go kart place. The 'circuit' is damn small. But its damn pro. Got starting grid, got pit lane, and even got starting lights that go red, amber and then green.

So anyway, first they give us balaclavas. I thought wah lan eh siao, why need to wear balaclavas? So pro meh? Five minutes later I got the answer... We gotta wear this 'protective' clothing which essentially consists of an oversized jacket with the worse possible colour combinations (seriously, its like they went to a tailor and specially asked for kok cloth colours), a plastic helmet to protect your hair from the sun, and blue durian gloves. The balaclava is actually used to prevent the leftover dandruff from the previous person using the helmet from touching your head. Also, it is used for shielding your nose from the smelly sweat smell from the jacket, which I can safely say has never ever been washed. Anyway, this is what you look like after wearing all the stuff:

Red With Green Trim Ranger and Light Blue With Yellow Trim

Ranger didn't quite make it through Power Ranger School.

So anyway, I cannot lose to D cos she will say I got no lan jiao. So I get into the kart, and the uncle says right pedal is gas, left paddle is brake, and then we're off... And its fucking fun lor. Like I feel like Initial-D like that. Slide my kart into the turn, and then power out of the curve. When you do it right you really feel damn steady. Only the track is so small you go around about 20 times in ten minutes. Until you get dizzy.

But all those nights spent watching MotoGP pay off and I lap D five times. After that she admit that I am champion but next time she'll get me. I say whatever. I still win today. With style somemore:

I really think I have the race instincts lor. Maybe if I go go karting more often, someone will spot me.

Woohoo!!

2007-06-22T17:35:00.000+07:00

Eh check it out. I got my first hate mail. Ok la not hate MAIL. More like "hate comment" but at least its still hateful. Steady right?

I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Want to Watch This Movie

2007-06-21T11:08:00.000+07:00

Ok this is like my ideal movie. It's called..... drumroll... drrrrrrRRrrRrrRrRrrrrrrRrr "PLANET TERRORRRR"!!!

"Come come ah boy, no need to scared. Auntie

got only one leg, give you half price."

It's fucking awesome. Everything I want to see in a movie. Zombies, police, army, guns, sexy girls, Osama Bin Laden, lesbians, sex, gogo dancers, zombies, sexy girls, etc.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez (all those Eurasian people all very arty one), its bundled together with Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof in a double feature called Grindhouse.

Aiyah. anyway, the story goes something like this:

There is this demented army lieutenent dude who is doing some bad evil scheme thing with some scientist when BAM! Some cock up makes this super jiat lat deadly chemical get released which makes people become crazed zombies who want to eat human flesh. So the police and army come in with their big guns and all but cannot stop the zombies.

So they all hide out in some place where for some reason some lesbians will make out but there's this super hot gogo dancer girl called Cherry whose leg gets bitten off by one of the zombies. So she limps all the way back to the safehouse where some doctor attaches a table leg to her leg stump.

Then there's the intermission where the demented lieutenant dude explains how this whole thing came about because he killed Osama Bin Laden but Osama infected them with the zombie chemical. Whatever. End of intermission.

Then the best part: Cherry decides that her table leg leg is too kok already so she replaces it with an M4A1 CARBINE ASSAULT RIFLE WITH M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER!! Then when the zombies come, she just get down on all fours but she lift up her leg like a dog gonna pang jio like that and LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS EAT HOT LEAD AND HIGH EXPLOSIVE M203 GRENADE ROUNDS!!! DRRrrRrrRrrRRRR!!! BOM BOM BOM BOM!!! DIE MOTHERFUCKING UGLY ZOMBIES!!! CHIBABOOOM!!!

Check it out, I never bluff you:

Armalite's latest incarnation of the M4 Carbine, blow up doll butt stock version.

Anyway, I'm totally gonna go buy the pirated DVD this weekend.

Wa lao. KOK.

2007-06-20T21:10:00.001+07:00

Orrrhhh. I didn't know it's actually Zoe Tay. Paiseh paiseh.

But anyway, check out this big time discussion. Wa piang. Some extracts...

There's analytical:

"while it is true that any publicity is good publicity, i believe this has negative effect on the pill company.

1. the stir-up gotten pretty big, but how many actually remember the pill company name? a case of win the battle but lost the war

2. the after-effect. can you imagine a male colleague said this to his female colleague after seeing her buying the pills "so you swallow as well?" :P
Posted by: kp, Aug 30, 2006 11:56:16 AM"

And then there's wait-ten-years-to-use-three-big-words-in-one-sentence:

"Double entendres are good for amusing people while getting past the ignorant hoi polloi (who complain about FCUK).
Posted by: Agagooga, Aug 23, 2006 6:48:55 PM"

And of course, the voice of common sense:

"Come on you guys! I swallow is I swallow and here it is Imedeen tablets she is taking! What should she say? I eat??!
Posted by: js, Aug 25, 2006 5:23:01 PM"

Words fail me. Just go through one by one. It is a veritable buffet of kok.

2007-06-19T23:36:00.000+07:00

Cum and Nourish Your Face

Johnson the other day show me this advertisement:

I see already straightaway steam. Somemore the girl's comment is like damn xio lor. But then Johnson explain to me that this is called "pun". "Pun" is something like I say this thing make you horny but actually its refering to something else which is not about horny things. We all Chinese say "dio dua" or like the bayees say "kena play backside". Like go out dating and the girl ask you whether want to come inside but then actually go inside is only to "talk" only. So in this case, the girl is not saying that she has good skin cos she swallow people's siao (although it is true that siao makes you have good skin). She is only saying that she eat the Imedeen then her skin become good.

This Johnson very clever. This kind of big word he also know. Anyway, I don't really understand. So I try to show Johnson my own "pun":

But he say wrong leh.

2007-06-11T01:21:00.000+07:00

Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man

You know those people who just have to be troublesome and hold up things wherever they are? Like when they order chicken rice they must ask for boneless chicken drumstick and wings without skin? Or like if they are in a buffet, they must find and find and find the chicken drumstick while everyone is waiting behind them? Or like at Starbucks they must order the Ice-Blended Latte but must have 2% skim milk and no whipped cream but half the normal amount of syrup but put more ice and can they set the blender to slow so that the ice is crushed more evenly?

Enter Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man.

For some reason my flight was delayed for four hours. So everybody already damn sian diao already. So? Just check in first and then go to the airport bar or something lah! Noooo.. Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man must go and check with the airport counter staff what is the matter with the plane. Must ask them how much longer it will take. Then he must bring like ten thousand luggages. And must ask the counter staff whether they can increase his luggage limit. And then his passport must have some problem that the counter staff must ask their supervisors one. And then he has to check something in his bag so he gotta stand there and open his bag and let people see his underwear.

So he was like at the counter forever. And all the while I was juuust two people behind him in the queue. And behind me these two Indonesian women with like a heap of luggage on their trolley, everytime I even take a half step forward they must push the trolley riiiight until it is almost touching my foot. Like damn scared got people will cut queue. Wah lan eh dun say people ah. I think even if someone's lan jiao wanna cut the queue, he also must make sure he senang diri first before he try to get between the trolley and me lor.

So anyway, Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man finally left the counter. Then at the departure gate, he must go and join the queue first. Like if not skarli he cannot get on the plane.

And then on the plane, after the plane has taken off and the fasten seatbelt sign is off, Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man must go and take his laptop from his bag in the cabin compartment. For what? Because he want to watch DVD on his laptop. Like. Hello? Champion? From Singapore to Jakarta is like 1 hour 40 minutes lor. Take off and landing already take half an hour altogether. Eat dinner in the plane already take about another half hour. You see what movie?! See 40 minutes of the movie also shiok ah? Then of course when the plane was about to land, he gotta put back the laptop into his bag.

Then he must ask the stewardess for an extra copy of the customs form when they give out the forms in the cabin lor.

Anyway, this is Kancheong Troublesome Hold Up Things Man:

Think he was looking for people to trouble to look out for his luggage on the conveyor while he go to the toilet.

2007-06-10T16:14:00.000+07:00

Today Is My Book-In Day

After go home for one week, tonight have to book in again. Wah lan eh damn low morale ah.

Let's review what I did the last week. In chronological order:

1. Got wasted at St James and took a picture of a fucking chio 2007 Yamaha YZF-R6:

Optimus approved of Motorcycle Autobot's efforts at being truly a 'robot in disguise' by carrying around a mannequin with him everytime he transformed into vehicle mode

2. Got wasted with some bayees in a bayee pub and proceeded to throw up on my shoes.

3. Got wasted at Robertson and took a picture with a fucking fierce Honda Civic:

"Must... Deliver.... Tao.. Huay..."

3. Got wasted with some bayees in a bayee pub and proceeded to throw up. The next day. At 4pm.

4. Got wasted at Robertson and searched very hard for a motorcycle to take photos with.

5. Got wasted in a gay bar but failed to get picked up because I was "too manly".

6. Got.

7. Wasted.

2007-06-10T15:37:00.000+07:00

I Am Chumpion

This week got someone compliment me. Say I am no "two pump chump". So I went to check what it means:

two pump chump
t-wo-p-ump-ch-ump [tōō pŭhmp chŭhmp] n.

A person incapable of lasting for more than two pelvic thrusts during copulation, i.e. Crunk. Sploitch.

"Francis is a two pump chump... the only time he can keep it up for longer than 45 seconds is flogging his dog in the bath."

Wah lao eh. This one still need to say meh? I am HUNDRED PUMP CHUMP AH!

2007-06-07T14:52:00.000+07:00

Zachary Disease

Apparently everyone's heard this one except me:

There was this woman who was 40 years old but had never had a boyfriend and never been laid. So her friend told her, "you go and see this Dr Sumitomo. He very good. If anyone can help you, its Dr Sumitomo."

So the woman went to see Dr Sumitomo. Then Dr Sumitomo say, "hmm... this probrem very strange. But maybe we can try to discover source of probrem. Prease, take off all crothes..."

So the woman takes off all her clothes.

"Now, prease to get on all fours, rike dog.." says Dr Sumitomo. Now the woman thinks this is a bit of a strange method of diagnosis but she thinks, anything is better than not being laid for the rest of my life, so she shrugs her shoulders and gets on her hands and knees.

Dr Sumitomo continues, "now, prease to craw away from Dr Sumitomo, reery reery fass, just rike dog..." So the woman, thinking that they're making some headway here, starts to crawl away from Dr Sumitomo.

"Now, prease to turn around and craw reery reery fass towards Dr Sumitomo, just same as rike dog.." The woman obediently does so.

So now Dr Sumitomo says he's finished his examination and tells the woman that she can put on her clothes.

When the lady comes out of the dressing room, Dr Sumitomo sits her down in front of his table. He looks solemn, "I'm fraid you have incuraber condition. Worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or date."

The lady is quite sad but at least she can take comfort in the fact that her inability to get a guy is through no fault of her own. So she asks Dr Sumitomo what her incurable condtion is.

"What you have, is bad case of Zachary Disease," Dr Sumitomo says gently.

So naturally, the lady asks Dr Sumitomo what Zachary Disease is.

Dr Sumitomo replies solemnly, "my dear lady, Zachary Disease is when woman have face, that rook Zachary rike her ass.."

2007-06-06T17:02:00.000+07:00

Fucking Who?

The other day one of my friends was trying to tell my other friend about my blog. It didn't help that both were slightly tipsy and we were in a crowded restaurant.

Friend 1: This guy's got a blog. You should check it out.

Friend 2: Yeah? What's it called?

Friend 1: FuckingBS.

Friend 2: Oookay.. But that is only to be expected from him lor. What's the name of the blog?

Friend 1: It's FuckingBS.

Friend 2: Yes yes yes. You said that already. But I still want to go see how BS it is lor.

Friend 1: No no. I mean it's CALLED FuckingBS. Like Fuckingbs.blogspot.com

Friend 2: His blog's spot is fucking BS? Now I don't know what you are talking about anymore lor.

Friend 1: No no no no no.. I mean like double-U double-U double-U dot Fucking BS dot Blogspot dot Com lah!

Friend 2: Orhh... (to me) Aiyoh why you go and call your blog like that?

By which time I was already too tired watching the exchange to answer so we just got another round. I love my friends.

2007-06-06T16:49:00.000+07:00

Wow.

This, led to this.

Fucking funny.

2007-06-05T23:10:00.000+07:00

I Buy A Gold Watch

So I bought this gold Casio Illuminator digital watch. It's like the coolest thing in the world. Everything about it is cool. From the "Illuminator" word engraved on the watch face to the words "ten year battery" printed on the front to the greenish glow that lights up the LEDs when you press a button on the side.

Check it:

Although polio had wasted away most of Johnson's arm, he valiantly insisted on wearing his gold watch, which he could now barely keep on.

The shopkeeper obviously didn't understand what a gem of coolness he had just sold me:

Me: How much is that watch there?

Shopkeeper: Which one? The gold one?

Me: Yeah that one. How much?

Shopkeeper (sniggering to himself): Uh.. $45.

My friend (who doubts my judgement in coolness): Any discount?

Shopkeeper: Yeah. I'll let you have it for $40.

Me: Ok. Can I have a new one in the box please?

Shopkeeper: We don't have any new ones. This is the only one we have in stock. Not many people buy this model (he could have meant "no one has ever bought this watch").

Me: Oh.. ok.

Shopkeeper: (Doubtfully) Anyway, gold digital watches are in fashion now huh?

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Shopkeeper: Anyway, if too many people buy this watch, its not going to stand out lah. So best if I just keep one in stock so that not too many people will buy it.

Me: (Wondering why he is justifying the sale of the watch to me almost as if it is a cardinal sin). Uh. Yeah.

Shopkeeper: (Watching with a sort of morbid fascination as I put on the watch.) You really not paiseh one hor?

Me: Yeah. Not very often lah.

Shopkeeper: Er. Right. Anyway, er. Thanks for buying the watch...

Me: (Brandishing my new gold watch). Yup.

All the while he had this look of bemused disbelief that someone was actually buying this watch. Well I'm glad I made somebody's day. Anyway, I think it's damn fucking uber cool:

As I mentioned before, for me, style is cannot compromise one.

2007-05-30T14:06:00.000+07:00

Developing the Puxis of Our Nation

So the other day I attended this seminar on good practices in town planning. How appropriate to have it in Jakarta, the zenith of urban improvisation. Anyway, there was this flaky Indonesian urban planning academic who was asked to talk.

So the guy picks Shanghai as his example. As you would know, Shanghai is separated into two main financial districts, Pudong (浦东), meaning literally "East of the Huangpu River" and Puxi (浦西), or "West of the Huangpu River". As it happened, ten years ago, Pudong had been the undeveloped area of Shanghai, while Puxi was its main financial district. However, with the Shanghai administration's policy of systematic urban planning, Pudong was speedily developed into the new urban centre of Shanghai. Whereas, Puxi remained as it is, badly neglected and a shadow of its former eminence. So, according to Hapless Rambling Indonesian Academic, it was important to make sure that old city centres in Indonesia do not suffer the fate of Puxi and that the development of urban centres in Indonesia was carried out concurrently and proportionately.

Which is all very somber stuff. Except that this guy, having chosen a Chinese city as an example, forgot that the tonal values of Chinese words matter in interpreting their meaning. In fact, there is a whole system of romanised Chinese known as Hanyu Pinyin. So. Puxi, is actually pronounced as Pú Xī. In another words (my former Chinese teacher's to be exact), "Pú is lumber two sound. Xī is lumber one sound. Unnerstand or not you?"

For people who don't read Hanyu Pinyin, it's pronounced as "Poo Sea", not "Pucksy".

So anyway it was obviously too much for this guy's brain to process a whole new system of pronunciation for just one presentation and he opted for the monotone pronunciation of Puxi. And this was delivered in the over-dramatic, breathy voice that some Indonesians feel obligated to use when they are speaking to a crowd. Some excerpts:

"There are many Puxis all over Indonesia."

"Even as we compare Puxis, the Chinese Puxi has been better maintained than our Indonesian Puxis."

"If we don't do something about Jakata soon, it will become one Big Puxi."

"As we develop the Pudongs of our great nation, we must not neglect the development of our Puxiiiis!"

"Ten years ago, Puxi in Shanghai was beautiful. But recently when I went there again, Puxi was in such a state of neglect. The smell was terrible..."

I laughed so hard I almost died.

2007-05-20T01:33:00.000+07:00

Higher Standards

So my friend thinks she can do better with guys cos Singapore men cannot make it. I say my lan jiao as big as ang moh one but she don't think so.

I also think I can do better leh. All the girls here only want my money but don't want my honey. And my honey already gonna overflow liao. And they're all so goondu like that. I told my friend. If I go out with a girl, I need to have intelligent conversation one. If not, I feel like I'm not intellectually engaged. Like why can't it be like:

Girlfriend: Hey honey, I wonder if Michelin's tyres for the Yamaha team in the next GP at Le Mans will hold up.. you know they're using a new rubber compound that will increase Valentino Rossi's grip on the track so he can brake later and turn faster and therefore outperform Casey Stoner's more powerful Ducati Desmosedici even though the Desmo has higher horsepower and better acceleration.

Me: Of course they will, baby.. its the new synthetic latex/polymer compound that Michelin recently developed after Rossi ran into problems with tyre pressure at the Turkish GP. If you recall, even though his tyres were reinforced with internal steel filament then, the extreme angles at which his tyres have to perform, coupled with the high temperatures caused by the stresses that the tyre goes through caused the rubber compound to fail, thus costing him the leading position. The polymer component in his tyres should allow them to withstand higher stresses this time round. However, I have to qualify that tyre compounds only account for half the braking ability of any one rider. The specific heat capacity of the brake pads play an important role too.

Girlfriend: Oh you're always right about these cool engineering thingies, dear... Anyway, I've been a bad girl today. Can we have some kinky sex?

Me: Oh alright.

Is that too much to ask?

2007-04-19T22:51:00.000+07:00

Tiger Hit The Ball So High. Kaninabechaocheebye.

So I started learning golf. P thinks golf is for ah kuas. Say I fucking faggot. Somemore suan me say better remember to bring my wet wipes. Fuck you understand?

Thank God for wind. All kinds.

Anyway, last weekend I go to the golf course for the first time with A. He said bring my golf teacher along so that he can teach me how to play in the course. So anyway I thought the course was like those US PGA Tour one. Like the grass is damn green, the ponds are calm, the wind blowing in your hair, lots of girls in bikinis and visors to cheer you on.

Of course when we arrived, the place looked more like last time go live firing exercise like that. The grass is really like sai like that la. And then along the sides of the fairway there's like JUNGLE. I kid you not. The water is very literally a swamp (there was a guy wading around inside looking for lost golf balls to sell). And the best thing is, there is a TRAINING SHED where you can rest. AND beside the training shed, there is an auntie selling drinks, Ritz biscuits and, get this... OREOS. I found myself instinctively hoping that my instructor would declare a five minute canteen break so that I could go get myself a Coke before starting to dig my shell-scrape. The ang mohs there are all fat and ugly. And to top it all off, the caddies were all MEN.

"Contacted!" - I flush out an ugly ang moh from the jungle.

Anyway, the game was a joke. That same morning I went to the driving range first to brush up on my swing and my instructor brings me to the putting green for the very first time saying that I should try a few shots since I'm going to the course later after all and have never used a putter in my life. Oh ya hor.

At the 'course', each time I hit the ball badly, my instructor produces another ball from his pocket and tells me to take the shot again. And then when I finally get to the green, it's like playing yoyo with the hole. Can hit like ten times and the ball just goes back and forth around the hole. Until the last time when the ball is like reasonably close to the hole and my caddy bends down and tips it in so that we can FINALLY. MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

"Be wewy wewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits."

Anyway, I think I give myself A for effort, A+ for style. For me, style is cannot compromise one:

I am Tiger. Hear me roar.

2007-02-22T22:44:00.000+07:00

I Like Transforming Robots

So the basic rule in the genre of Gigantic Transforming Robot Cartoons is that the bad guy robots always look cooler than the good guys one. For example, in Transformers, Optimus Prime is what? A truck? Truck is use for what? Transport cow dung ah? And somemore he forever so goody goody. Lousy lah. Megatron so much more cool. Can become gun. And then can become big become small. Just like my one like that. Or Starscream. Can become fighterplane. So badass. Who wants to be a truck? Truck is only good for fetch ah beng to go and piah zui can?

Anyway, enter the 1/60 scale Yamato Toys Macross Sukhoi/Israel Aircraft Industries/Dornier SV-51 piloted by Nora Polyansky of the evil "Anti-UN" forces (how much more "bad" can you get right?) pictured below. Cool right? And everything about it just screams "Bad Guy" and it's sexy even (I mean it's even painted BLACK man). Somemore the pilot is like one damn sexy RUSSIAN GIRL WITH BIG TITS lor. Last time I go Orchard Towers I remember if you want to find Russian one its like three times the price of those China one and then they only sit there and sing karaoke with you ok. If wanna ta pao some more must pay extra one.

But I digress. The 1/60 scale model of the SV-51 can even transform without having to take any parts apart. Just like in the cartoon like that.

I'm gonna buy like ten when it comes out.

Then must buy the Good Guy robot for it to fight against. Hope I get big bonus man.

2007-02-07T09:26:00.000+07:00

The Banjir's Gonna Get You

Banjir, of course, being Indonesian for flood. Since last Saturday, many parts of Jakarta have been flooded. In some places the water has been four metres deep.

Four frikkin' metres! I mean wah lan eh. There is like poor city management but this is seriously fucked up lor. And of course everyone is blaming everyone else. The governor's saying the neighbouring province cut down too many trees to build yuppy malls so the ground can't retain the water. And then the media is fucking the governor for letting this happen again since there were damn bad floods in 2002. And then yesterday on the news there were these university students who had nothing better to do and decided to protest the floods. As if it would help make it go away.

And then in order to relieve the flooding in other parts of Jakarta, they decided to open these sluice gates so that my area gets flooded. Wah lan eh. So on Sunday the water level on the road outside my apartments was like up to waist level. Shiok man. Luckily my apartment compound has a backdoor which wasn't flooded. "Luckily" because when everyone was getting all flustered and scrambling o buy supplies for their homes in case they got flooded in, all I got was a carton of milk, some salad, a new loaf of bread and some orange juice. I did however remember to buy a couple of pirated games for my Xbox 360 in case I got flooded in and had nothing to do.

Of course when things cock up, they must all cock up together. So my internet was down cos of the floods and so were the telephone lines, and then the hard disk in my office-issued laptop decided to develop a terminal error (luckily I transfered all my porn into my ipod at the first sign of trouble in case the office computer guys decide to be helpful and try to recover my data) and then my office computer decided to go screwy too so I was totally uncontactable for a few days which was not too bad actually.

But I think by far the best quote was from my friend who called me from Singapore and told me, in all seriousness, to beware of the "pestilence" that usually comes after floods "because the hygiene very jiat lat".

If I remember correctly, after pestilence comes the big death ray from the sky that kills all these pagan non-believers and some grungy dude with a 'fro keeps saying "let my people go!".

2007-01-29T08:39:00.000+07:00

I Find Out How I Die

According to this:

"At age 81 you will start playing an online game and become so addicted that you starve to death."

Which, frighteningly, sounds pretty plausible.

2007-01-27T20:15:00.000+07:00

Quotable Quotes II

"When helmets are on the low, Clingfilm's the way to go!"
- An original (eat your heart out Fiona).

2007-01-26T08:56:00.000+07:00

Quotable Quotes

Some good ones I've come across. The best is the last one. Only smart people can understand.

"If its bleedin', its breedin'!"
- A friend of mine with a fervent disregard for age limits.

"Bag the face and bomb the place!"
- Another friend who subscribes to the principle of "love all serve all".

"If the river runs red, take the dirtroad instead."
- Anonymous SMS.

2007-01-23T16:47:00.000+07:00

The Crap You Get in Supermarkets These Days

This is actually bean curd but oh what a catchy brand name...

2007-01-15T23:21:00.000+07:00

Wah

Last time got people ever like Lee Chee Chew one leh. See here.

2007-01-15T22:58:00.000+07:00

I Go Insane

The other day I was talking to my friend on MSN. As it would happen, the conversation topic drifted to Transformers:

Me : optimus so boring.. so goody goody
Me : i think starscream is da best
Me : so bad boy
P : starscream is a faggot can
P : faggot voice
P : he's like megatron's fuck bitch
Me : eh wah lan eh.. he always try to fuck megawati one wat
Me : i mean megatron
Me : fuck
P : hahhahahahahahahahaha
Me : i mean he always try to betray megatron one la
P : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
P : wah lau eh dude
Me : wah lan eh cheebye

2007-01-15T22:08:00.000+07:00

Bird Flu: The Final Showdown

This is American bohliaoness at its best:

Some fucking cock (no pun intended) made a movie about bird flu. Its like "Mr President, we have widespread human to human infection. In twenty four hours, the infected area will be the size of Texas. Recommend a tactical nucular strike to eliminate the threat."

Speaking of which, in real life, the Indonesian government announced recently that the bird flu situation in Indonesia was "extraordinary". "Extraordinary" as in "it's extraordinary that you have a rash on your dick" that kind of "extraordinary". And then some more I kenah fever, aching bones and lao sai the same day as the news came out. Just like this case. Die already lah.

2007-01-02T21:11:00.000+07:00

One Last Hurrah

So 31 December happened to be Idul Ahda, the Islamic holiday of sacrifice. And since the preferred animal to sacrifice is a goat, lots of roadsides here were filled with goats for people to inspect, buy and, ultimately, kill, all for a good cause.

Anyway, the other day, I was in my car when I saw these two goats getting it on with some hot animal lovin' on the side of the road. Which would not have been so naughty if not for the stream of kids making their way to school beside them. I don't know why animals just seem to have less inhibitions here.

But I found it even more amusing when my driver told me that only male goats are supposed to sacrificed. Guess if you were going to die tomorrow, you would like to have done it all before you go.

2007-01-01T15:17:00.000+07:00

Bug Zapper!

So my place is like bug central la. Cos next door there's a construction site so got a lot of stagnant water which means fuckloads of mosquitoes which wake me up at night and piss the hell out of me.

Enter the Shuangying Multifunction Mosquito Hitting Racket (that's how its spelled on the packaging). Check it:

What you do is charge the capacitor overnight, screw it on the next morning, and when there's a bug in sight, you switch the thing to standby and then you swat the motherfucker while you press the trigger. If you connect, there's this zzzzzzzPOP! sound accompanied by a blue spark which will mean that you have sent one of the hell-spawned little assholes back to where they came from with 2300 volts of bug-frying fury. As the packaging says, "It can kill the mosquito which is sucking blood on human skin, but it is harmless to human. Without any feeling of electric shock when you touch the net on flat surface, it is safe for use."

I love this thing. And I think I've become addicted to it. Coupla days ago I found myself making one more trip to the kitchen juuuust to make sure that there weren't anymore bugs hanging around.

And somehow, there's less bugs around the house. Maybe word has gotten around.

2006-12-29T11:47:00.000+07:00

Farterama

So I was in Melbourne recently right. And I stayed at my friend's place. So the other day we went for lunch at this Vietnamese place with her flatmate. Anyway, this was like the first time I've actually had a chance to talk to her flatmate since I arrived. Part of the lunch-time conversation went like this:

Friend (following on from previous topic in conversation): Anyway, women don't fart.

Me and Flatmate (simultaneously): Yeah they do.

Friend: No they don't!

Me: So what? You hold it in? That's disgusting. There's toxins and stuff in that shit. That's why it SMELLS.

Friend: You just don't do it!

Me: Nooo no no no no... That's what the girls always say. But you know they have a special technic so you never know. It's like the One Cheek Manouevre...

Flatmate and Friend: ...

Me: Ok the One Cheek Manouevre is when you sit down, and then you lean your weight to one side so that you're only sitting on one butt cheek and it kinda makes your asshole open up. And then you kinda let it out slow so the butt cheeks don't slap against each other and so they don't make any noise. Then suddenly it'll smell like fuck but then they just act like nothing happened or worse they play along and act like its so gross and where's this horrible smell coming from...

Flatmate: Yeah yeah yeah!!! (gives me a high five) Exactly! I never thought about discribing it like that but that's exactly what they do!

Friend (slightly redfaced): ... No....

Flatmate (excited): You know what I do? I kinda take a stroll around my cubicle, and then after I turn the corner, I kinda let it out, so I kinda leave a trail.. Then nobody knows who did it!

Me: Oh here comes our food.

Friend: Wow.. I'm famished.

Flatmate: Yeah me too.. That looks good.. Let's eat!

I love these guys.

2006-11-08T21:49:00.000+07:00

Cagiva Makes Cool Looking Bikes That Do Not Work

On my way home just now, I saw two Indonesian dudes on a a cool-looking scooter-bike thing. As I did a double take, I realise that the thing wasn't working and they were kinda paddling their feet on the road to get out of the way of traffic. On even closer inspection, I noticed the word "Cagiva" on the bike.

It reminded me of the 125cc Cagiva Planet that the fucking cheebye scum-of-the-earth-take-your-money-and-don't-care-whether-the-bike-they-sell-you-has-brakes-that-work-and-if-you-die-on-the-road-then-tough AS Phoon sold me (by the way, they have quite a big branch along Changi Road. The address is 399 Changi Road, Singapore 419846. If you are my friend you will research the internet, build a car bomb and drive it straight into their workshop, blowing the fuckers into Kingdom Come. But I'll also settle for you bagging up your pee into water bombs and doing a drive-by assault every other weekend). I swear, the first night I brought that piece of shit home and turned it off, it wouldn't start again, thus launching a long drawn-out Me vs The AS Phoon Bastards campaign where I tried to get a refund for the bike and ended up having to settle for paying them $500 and buying another (fucked up) bike from them. I am deadly serious when I say that they are dishonest motherfuckers who will blatantly tell you that a bike is "supposed to be like that one" even if it refuses to start and the wheels are about to fall off.

Anyway, this is what a 125cc Cagiva Planet looks like:

Pretty cool right?...

WRONG

The Cagiva Planet is one of the lousiest excuses for a bike that I have ever seen. According to an accredited Cagiva technician in Singapore, the fact that it is nigh impossible to put the gears into neutral is not a design or manufacturing fault. Rather, it is a special "characteristic" of the bike. The charitable view would be that its designers figured a puny 125cc would not be truly Italian unless it had some temperamental 'quirk' which would drive its owner to rabid, bike-smashing insanity if not for its achingly sexy lines. The uncharitable view, on the other hand, eludes me because my command of Hokkien is lacking.

Seems like Cagivas the world over are pieces of shit.

As for Mark of AS Phoon, Changi Branch, who knowingly sold me a one, I will hunt you down, break your limbs, gouge out your eyes, disembowel you and make you eat your intestines and then leave you to be sodomised by Lee Chee Chew, afterwhich I will find out where you live, burn down your house and extended family. Pets included.

May Santa Claus put dogshit in your girly fishnet stockings for every Christmas the rest of your life.

2006-10-28T11:13:00.000+07:00

Indonesian Bedtime Stories

So when I first arrived in Jogja back in June, I thought I'd be extra diligent and make sure that I did everything to get my Indonesian up to scratch. So I was damn fucking on la. Went to buy Indonesian childrens' books cos I thought I could practice on them. Thing is, my Indonesian at the time was so fucked up that I couldn't even read Tom & Jerry comics in Indonesian so I just chucked them aside and forgot about them.

Now that I've just moved into my new apartment which, because its now the holy week of Lebaran and nobody goes in to work, is without TV/internet/radio/cheap prostitutes, etc. So as I was looking for something I could use to slit my wrists (I don't have any knives either), I found one of these books and started reading. And I tell you this is one fucking bad ass childrens' book man.

It's called "30 Dongeng Sebelum Tidur Untuk Anak Muslim" or "30 Bedtime Stories for Muslim Children". The wording on the cover is nice and friendly with big words in different pastel colours. So I was flipping through it when I saw this picture:

Apparently its for a story called "Zunairah Yang Teguh Dan Tabah" or "Zunairah Who Is Firm and Resolute". O-kay.. So the story is about this Arab dude called Abu Jabal who had this slave called Zunairah who was like damn pretty and served him very well and all. Then one day she decided to convert to Islam but cos Abu Jabal's more of a pagan kind of guy, he gets really pissed off and tries to order her to go back to praying to his pagan gods. And when she refuses, he like punishes her. And then the book goes on to describe in graphic detail how he ripped off her blouse and lashed her back with a big whip. Then there's a description of how the whip was like damn painful and there were like bleeding welts on her back but then she was like resolute in her faith, so she took the torture. And then the book tells in detail how this went on for several days, until her lips were like dry and bleeding but still she would not renounce her faith cos she was like damn strong and resolute. And finally the torture was so hard that it causes her to go blind. But then because God had mercy on her, so the next time the guy tortures her, the pain somehow causes the nerves in her eyes to be reconnected and she can see again. Finally some Muslim dude buys her out of her misery.

Excellent bedtime reading.

And then there's the other story with the title "Hukum Mesti Ditegakkan" or "The Law Must be Enforced" (the titles, by the way, are written in cute, friendly fonts). In this story, some chick comes to the house of some Umar bin Khathab guy to tell him that his son, Abu Salmah, had like premarital sex with her (apparently, the Indonesian word for that is "zinah") and got her pregnant. Umar is like furious with his son and questions Abu Salmah, who promptly admits that he has "sinned" and will accept his due punishment. So Umar turns from furious to proud that his son actually had the balls to admit that he slept with this girl and got her pregnant. But the Law must be upheld so Umar tells his people to tie up Abu Salmah and, guess what? Has him WHIPPED. Woohoo!!

There's even a nice picture:

AND then there's the other one about the king who lost a battle and was tortured by his enemies by being boiled alive in an earthenware pot. Excellent stuff. I can imagine a typical bedtime scene here. Mom says, "Kids, time for bed, let mommy tuck you in and read you a nice little bedtime story. Hmmm.. what shall we read tonight? How about '30 Bedtime Stories for Muslim Children'?" The kids go, "Yay!! I wanna hear the one about the unfaithful wife who slept with another guy and then got whipped and gutted before being burned alive by her husband! Please Mommy pleeeaase??..."

And I wondered why people here are weird.

2006-10-11T09:34:00.000+07:00

Dumb Taxi Drivers II

Today the conversation with the taxi driver was much shorter:

Me: Hi, I'm going somewhere quite nearby actually. Drop me opposite the road to XXX building. I know the way so don't worry.

Driver: Oh...

(Five second pause)

Driver: Good morning.

Me: .... Morning. Just drive. I know the way.

2006-10-08T15:38:00.000+07:00

Write in C

Someone sent me this. Only engineers and computer programmers would understand. Man I kinda wonder what it'd be like to be an engineer. Life would be so simple. Do a calculation, it's either correct or wrong. Write a code, either it works or it doesn't and you find the offending line and correct it. Now I worry about the difference between "it is likely that..." or "cannot rule out the possibility...". I guess the readily available commercial sex here kinda makes up for it. Anyway, enjoy:

"Write in C" (Sung to the tune of the Beatles' "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble
Friends and colleagues come to me
Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C

As the deadline fast approaches
And bugs are all that I can see
Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C

Chorus

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
LOGO's dead and buried
Write in C

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN
For science it worked flawlessly
Try using it for graphics! Write in C

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly
Soon you will be glad to

Chorus

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, yeah, Write in C
BASIC's not the answer
Write in C

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C
Pascal won't quite cut it
Write in C

But then again, I remember how programming really sucks ass. Last time I programme in FORTRAN and C, really wanna vomit blood when I see the fucking error message. Oh well. Hot prostitutes it is.

2006-10-04T09:35:00.000+07:00

Taxi Drivers Are Stupid

Every morning I have to go to my office which is like a 15 minute walk away but because I'm a wimp and don't want to get mugged, I take a taxi. Anyway, taxi drivers are damn dumb boy. Because I want to avoid the traffic jam, I usually stop on the side of the road opposite my office and take the overhead bridge across. If the driver were to drop me right at my office, he'd have to make one big round and waste like half an hour in the jam. But the fucking drivers just simply cannot understand that I want to be dropped opposite my office. Typical morning conversation (in Indonesian):

Me: Morning, can you take me to near the Indian Embassy in Kuningan? But don't go inside the Embassy. I'll direct you from there. (I figure it's easier to give them information in small bits so that they can process it in their tiny brains - first I tell them go to the Indian Embassy which is near where I want to get off and then I direct them from there).

Driver: Err.. Right. (Gives me a I'm-not-sure-what-this-guy-is-saying-but-I'll-just-pretend-I-know-and-play-it-by-ear-because-I-don't-want-to-look-stupid kinda look. Obviously he's thinking, "go to the Indian Embassy but DON'T go in? So does this guy want to go to the Indian Embassy or does he want to go somewhere else? Nevermind. I'll just pretend that I'm supposed to go to the Indian Embassy.")

Me: (Striking up a friendly conversation to gently socialise the driver to the idea that I don't want him to stop at the Indian Embassy but continue on after that) Actually I'm going to this office building near the Indian Embassy, not actually to the Indian Embassy. The building's called XXX. But I want to avoid the jam so I want to get off on the side of the road opposite my office and cross the overhead bridge. You know how bad the jam is at this time.

Driver: Oo.. kay.. (blank look)... Briiiidge. Indian... Embassy...

Me: Yeah go near to the Indian Embassy first but don't go inside. (We approach the junction to the Indian Embassy.) You turn right at this junction to go to the Indian Embassy. Yeah. Right. Here. Yeah turn right now. But don't go inside the Embassy compound. Just go RIGHT past it and I'll direct you after that.

Driver: Indian... Embassy..

Me: Yeees.. Indian Embassy. But... don't... go.. inside... I actually want to stop on the side of the road opposite XXX building.

Driver: (Slowing the taxi along the entire stretch of houses outside of the entrance to the Indian Embassy). So.. Indian Embassy is along this stretch.

Me: Yes I know. You don't have to slow down because I'm... not... going... to... the... Indian... Embassy. Just go straight past the Indian Embassy and on to the main road where you turn left.

Driver: So, don't turn into the Indian Embassy. (Accelerates slightly past the Indian Embassy but obviously unsure of whether he was supposed to turn in because he looks forlornly back at the Embassy entrance.)

Me: Yes. Thaaaat's right. Go past the Embassy like what you're doing now..

Driver: But you know that was the Indian Embassy right?

Me: Ye-es I know. But you didn't have to turn in because I want you to turn left at this junction coming ahead now. (He can only turn left anyway because its the main road). After that, just drop me at the bridge (ok I'll admit that I don't know the Indonesian word for overhead bridge but there's only one fucking bridge there so which one other than the overhead bridge?)

Driver: Turn left...

Me: Yes. And you see the bridge in front of you? Just drop me at the foot of the bridge.

Driver: Uh.. bridge?

Me: Yeah the one that's coming right up. See? This one. Briiiiiiiidge... For peeeeooooople... Bridge for people to walk. You know bridge? Bridge that is across the main road. But bridge which have no car on it. Bridge which is for people. People who want to get from one side of the road to the other side. Overhead bridge (in English, hoping against all hope that he can understand). Just drop me beside the bridge.

Driver: Bridge...

Me: Yeah this one. That's about to pass by us now.

Driver: We just passed the Indian Embassy.

Me: Forget about the Indian Embassy. I want you to drop me here beside the bridge.... Stop... Stop here. Stop now. Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop. Yeeees... that's right. Stop here. Here. Riiiight HERE. (I pay the guy).

Driver: But your change...

Me: Just... Don't worry about it. (Slam the door).

And this happens almost on a daily basis.

2006-10-01T09:02:00.000+07:00

My Hotel Room Cleaner Has OCD

That's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's like you know that detective show "Monk" where the main character has this mental problem where he cannot tahan if if anything in his surroundings are out of place? I mean, I know hotel staff are supposed to clean up your room and make sure everything is neat but check out these pictures. This was in my bathroom:

Notice the way the two energizer batteries are positioned so that the "Energizer" word is facing the same way? Like army inspection right?

And then this one is of the stuff on my desk. See how she folded my orange spectacle cloth neatly? And then she arranged the three coins in a row according to denomination. The one on the left is Rp500 whereas the two thinner ones on the right are Rp100s (I bumped into the table so they're not in a perfect straight line anymore at the time I took this photo).

Fucking hell. Where do they get these people?

2006-09-29T16:50:00.000+07:00

I'm Going to Buy a Bike Licence

I've decided to take advantage of the glorious benefits of being in a country where anything goes if you have the dough. Singapore I cannot ride big motorcycle right? Fuck you. I just BUY a full motorcycle licence here lor. You don't even have know a "guy". Just make an appointment with the traffic police station, pay, get your photo taken, and they hand you your licence in an hour. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Next stop, to the "orphanage".

2006-09-25T19:49:00.000+07:00

World's Chio-est Indian

Wah lan eh look at this:

1974 Fully restored Indian Chief. And it's on eBay. The current bid is US$16,709.90 (I don't know why they bother with the $9.90). And apparently, shipping for distances over 2501km (say from is from Haysville, KS, USA to Jakarta, Indonesia) is only from US$850 to US$1150.

Not bad right?

2006-09-25T19:37:00.000+07:00

I Become a Rich Prick II

Tomorrow I'm going to interview a potential candidate to be my driver. What the fuck does one say in an interview for a driver? I came up with these questions:

(i) What cars have you driven before?

(ii) Are you prone to road rage?

(iii) If there's a riot and the rioters are out for rich Chinese blood, will you save me?

(iv) What are your hobbies?

(v) Paper or bucket? (See previous post - this can be quite important for the maintenance of my leather seats)

I can't think of what to ask. Think I'm getting nervous.

2006-09-25T00:50:00.000+07:00

Last Day at School

Here're some pictures of my last day at the language school. They made me be the MC for one of their functions because I could speak both Indonesian and English and insisted on dressing me up so that I would look more presentable.

Look like a cock but was strangely exhilirating when the guy who was dressing me up was adjusting the miniskirt thing around my waist.

2006-09-24T23:51:00.000+07:00

Responsible Indonesian Media

The Indonesian press think of themselves as the Fourth Estate. They say they want to become a check on the government because now, after Soeharto was overthrown, they have better media freedom so they have more credibility. Credibility my lan jiao ok. The other day I was reading newspapers. It said one of Megawati's party members wanted to persuade her to run for the next presidential elections with Soeharto's daughter as her vice presidential candidate. One of the reasons he gave was that "it is now the era of Aquarius" and Aquarius is "favourable to women".

Fuck man. Like that also can.

2006-09-24T22:44:00.000+07:00

Valentino Rossi Only 12 Points Behind Nicky Hayden

Hahahahahahaha!!! Today I watch MotoGP. Loris Capirossi start from pole, Valentino Rossi start from second place and Marco Malendri start from third. Nicky Hayden, who is the current leader in the table start from behind. The three in the front row all start very well. Capirossi leads, Malendri second and Rossi third. Nevermind. Still early in the race. Rossi still can overtake Malendri and reach Capirossi for first place.

But then the cheebye Malendri made a bad turn and slowed down Rossi. So in the end, walaupun Rossi could overtake Malendri, Capirossi was too far ahead for him to catch. So Rossi got 20 points instead of 25. Still not so bad cos Hayden is in 7th place so he only get a few points. But then at the last minute, Shinye Nakano, who was in front of Hayden crashed so Hayden gets bumped up to 6 place. Fucking cheebye. But anyway, by the end of the race, Rossi was only 12 points behind Hayden. So its quite possible that in the next race, Rossi can become the table leader. But it'll be a damn close fight lah. But ok lah. At least got chance. Eh. Rossi already win the world championship 7 times already leh. Don't now lose the championship to Nicky Hayden leh.

Anyway, I see MotoGP I also feel like damn itchy to ride motorcycle again. But here how to ride? If you ride moto here, you either (i) die from air pollution; (ii) get squashed to death in between two cars in the traffic jam or (iii) get kidnapped and sodomised if you are Chinese because on a bike, people can grab you easily. So I guess next time if I go back Singapore I will get this bike, buy a set of leathers and go for track days at Johor Pasir Gudang circuit:

Ah you think damn nice damn oo seh right? Actually this bike is an Aprilia RS125. So it's only 125cc. To give you a better idea, unless you're a fucking pussy, only 600cc and above is considered a proper race bike. So this bike is really something like Mr Bean's three wheeled car next to, say a Subaru WRX.

Why don't I buy a bigger bike? Why ah? BECAUSE THE FUCKING SINGAPORE LAW IS DAMN CHEEBYE LAH! For those of you who don't know, in Singapore, after you pass your first bike exam, you are only allowed to ride bikes up to 200cc. Then, after a year, you are allowed to take another test afterwhich you will only be allowed to ride bikes up to 400cc. And then, if you haven't migrated because of the absurdity of it all, you are allowed to take another test no less than a year later which will entitle you to ride any bike you want.

And by the way, before you take the tests, you have to take lessons from ah beng bike instructors with about three braincells* and purposely fail you for each lesson so that you will have to come back for more lessons and they make more money out of you. I swear this is true. This is Comfort Driving Centre. Remember the name. Comfort Driving Centre. They are cheebyes. The CEO is unflatteringly named "Huam Chak Koon".

The supposed rationale for this ruling is supposedly to restrict new bikers to smaller bikes so that they cannot go so fast and become a road hazard. My lan jiao ok. When I was riding my lousy150cc Honda, I still can go up to 160km/h. And somemore bikes with smaller cc are more unstable cos they are so light. So last time when I rode my bike, if the road is wet, even if I go damn slow, I still always skid because the bike isn't heavy enough to put enough weight onto the road. Like you push a shoebox and you push a brick. Of course the brick harder to push because it's heavier and can exert a larger frictional force on the floor right? Fucking bullshit.

No. I have a different theory. I think it's because those people who can make the decision to change the motorcycle regulations are scared that us cool bad boy bikers will steal their girls. Cos they drive pussy cars like the Audi A6. And everybody know that girls would rather ride an MV Agusta F4 1000R (at least the ones that give good blow jobs). Also, its a well known fact that girls prefer to ride on motorcycles because the effect is similar to what is known as a "Sybian".

* One of my first lessons, I foolishly asked the instructor why you need to check only your right blindspot when you turn right at a junction but have to check both your left and right blindspot when you turn left. His answer: "aiyah so easy. Because one is turn right and one is turn left mah. You turn right of course check your right blindspot lah! Then if you turn left you check your left side and your right side mah. Correct or not?" I swear I wished that Lee Chee Chew would appear behind him and fuck his ass like the faggot he is.)

2006-09-13T21:00:00.000+07:00

Fucking Hell

Wa lan eh first week in the office and got so many arrows already. Fucking busy. Pang sai also got no time. And then got so many secure doors like macham bank vault like that. Want to go toilet also must go through three doors.

And Indonesians have no concept of personal space. The lift in the office is damn slow so its always like fucking crowded. And then when the lift is obviously already full some fucker will try to squeeze inside. The other day got one guy press his ass so close to me like want to feel my dick like that. And the best part is, when people get out of the lift at their floors, the people inside the lift don't have the cow sense to move into the empty space. So there's like this empty space in the front of the lift but everybody is still squashed in the back. Fucking koks.

2006-09-10T10:54:00.000+07:00

The Way Childrens' Books Should Be

I got this from here. Mommy's moaning because she has to pay twice the peak hour surcharge in the taxi to go to the bar and when she gets there she can only smoke in a yellow box like last time in army like that before the op.

2006-09-09T08:54:00.000+07:00

Holy Shit

Wow. I just realised that I'm sharing the same blog template with this guy. What's "Ephraim" supposed to mean anyway? Something to do with smiting?

2006-09-08T09:17:00.000+07:00

I Go to Motorola to Repair My Phone

So the other day I went to the Motorola service centre to repair my phone (which didn't go too well by the way). Then in front of me I saw this:

Now if we just zoom and enhance the image...

"Is it a bit drafty in here darling?"

Woohoo!! Shiok right? When you look at it don't you just have to fight the urge to put your finger down it and wiggle? It's like one of those things you know you shouldn't do but can't help thinking about.

2006-09-06T17:56:00.000+07:00

Final Exam (Slight Return)

So last Friday was my final exam. Most kok exam I have ever done. Seems like my teachers are afraid that I will fail or only pass with mediocre grades because if that happens, we will stop sending people to their school and they'll lose a huge source of income (yeah, they fleece us).

So anyway, reading exam. One week before the exam, the reading teacher tells me very matter-of-factly that the topic for the exam will be about Singapore's development of Batam. Pretty much like one of the passages we read a week earlier. She suggests that I can go through the passage one more time. Right. Two days before the reading exam, she says she wants to go through the passage one more time before the exam, "just to check" if I am familiar with the "terminology". On the day of the exam, I find that the reading comprehension passage is just a simplified version of the passage she made me read earlier. What's more, during the exam she's reading a huge newspaper so she can't see me. Since there's a word I'm not sure of, and she can't see, I sneak a peek at my electronic English-Indonesian dictionary. No sweat.

Then there's the grammer exam. Three days before the exam the teacher gives me a "pre-test" to "check" my standard. Then on the day of the exam, he hands me the paper and says "if you have any words you don't know, feel free to ask me". First time I kenah exam where you can ask the teacher if you don't know the words.

After that was the vocab exam. Apart from choosing the topics for the exam beforehand, the teacher comes into the class, hands me the paper and says "I'm going to go out and run some errands for a while. I might come back but IF (widens eyes) I don't come back, you can just hand in the completed paper to the secretary in the office." And he grabs all his stuff and walks quickly out of the class. Fuck it. I use the dictionary again. But only for the words I don't know la. I'm not totally dishonest.

And then lastly is my writing teacher. I write my essay and the teacher corrects it immediately. After reading through it and circling a few grammatical errors, he asks me, "so what grade you want me to give you?"

Personally I take it as a personal insult that all my teachers don't have enough confidence in me to trust that I can pass the exam without their help. But then who cares? I got an A.

2006-08-31T15:21:00.000+07:00

The Sad Story of the Evolution of Bahasa Indonesia

So I've been studying like mad for the last week for my final exam last Friday and it has put me in a contemplative mood about the evolution of Bahasa Indonesia. Honestly, I think it is a bit of a fucked-up language. This is how I imagine it evolved:

Prehistory - 1700 AD:

Homo-Erectus arrives in Indonesia and he starts to realise that that using the same grunt to say "I killed a fucking water buffalo today! Ho say liao ah! Let's celebrate!" and "Cheebye run ah!!! The fucking volcano is gonna blow!" is hardly an adequate form of communication. He starts to invent language and starts out really ambitious. Bahasa Indonesia will be the pinnacle of communication, more beautiful than French, more complex than Japanese. Even when two Indonesians quarrel, people listening will weep at the poetry that is Bahasa Indonesia.

With this lofty ideal, Homosaswono decides that this perfect language should have different ways of calling yourself and other people depending on social status. So he decides that for formal situations and people you respect, you should use Saya to refer to yourself and Anda to refer to the other person. Then among friends or people who are your subordinates, you should use Aku for "I" or "me" and Kamu for "you" or "your". Saswono also decides that there should be a special class of words for soap operas and cool people where Lu means "you" and Gwe means "me". So far so good. Specific salutations for specific people. It is also during this period where fire and corruption are invented in Indonesia.

1700 - 1945AD: Functional Development of Bahasa Indonesia

Somewhere along the way, someone decided that enough was enough. Inventing specific words for each social class (superior, inferior and soap opera/cool people) was too difficult. Indonesians decide to focus on the functional aspect of the language. Indonesian will be a working language and because of its narrow focus on functional terms, it will inspire people to work harder since it is the only thing they can talk about. Tragically, at this time, Indonesia is a maritime/fishing-based civilisation. So a lot of the conversation goes like "I catch fish which is yellow and red yesterday and after my mother-in-law eat, she have many pain and die. Ha. Ha." Or things like "why my fishing boat have brown shit on it? Eh Sutrisno, you sit close to brown shit. Help me make brown shit go away from boat. Just use (left) hand and flick inside sea can already..." And so on and so forth.

Not much development in the richness of the language but at least they have words for all the colours.

1945AD - Present Day: Bahasa Indonesia Becomes Fucked Up

Now Indonesians get lazy. They invent nonsense words by adding suffixes to almost every fucking phrase so that they can replace whole sentences with a single word. So "menomorsatukan" is a valid word which is actually the phrase "nomor satu" or "number one" together with the suffix "me-kan". "Menomorsatukan" is therefore literally translated as "numberone-ed (as in past tense)" which means "make (something) as the number one priority". For example, "dia suka menomorsatukan pekerjaan" means "he likes to numberone his work" as opposed to "he likes to make his work his number one priority" which would of course take up too much time to say and therefore reduce Indonesian efficiency.

That's not so bad. They also add suffixes to acronyms. Like "di-PHK" means "di-putus-hubungan-kerja". In English, it means "breakworkrelationship-ed" or "fired". Oh sure they have a word for fired but then it isn't too polite to say that so-and-so's been "fired". Much better to say that he's been PHK-ed. Reminds you of when your parents wanted to talk about things in front of you which you weren't supposed to hear when you were a kid right? Like when they spelled out certain words? Like maybe your dad would say to your mum "hey, after dinner you wanna give me a Bee Ell Oh Double-U Jay Oh Bee?" Right? Right? Reminds you of that right?

And then the ones that take the cake are "menCDkan", "menvideokan" and "mendigitalrecordingkan". These are actually valid Indonesian words to be used in everyday life. Because Indonesians are too lazy to say "converted (a lecture for instance) into a CD", they'd rather just say "menCDkan" which is like saying "CD-ed". So if I say "saya menCDkan seminar itu", it means "I CD-ed that seminar". Ridiculous. When my teacher first taught me this word, I figured that it was like a local slang but he said its actually a valid Indonesian word. So I joked that very soon they would be saying "menDVDkan" or "menpodcastkan".

He told me they already had words like that.

2006-08-29T09:05:00.000+07:00

Final Exam

From a telephone conversation with R.

Me: So my vocab teacher probably thinks I'm going to fail the fucking final exam lah. Today he came into the class and told me that the final exam for vocabulary will only take words from three lessons - Politics, Environment and "Teenage Phrases". That's like three lessons out of like 30 plus in total ok. (That's like your literature teacher telling you.. "ok class for next week's final exam we are going to test only the last three scenes of Romeo and Juliet ok?")

R: But ok what.. now you don't have to mug so much.

Me: Ya... Then I big mouth go and say I also want to learn about terms used in the mass media cos they will be useful next time for me. Then he said.. "ok in that case lets also include the lesson on mass media into the final exam". So now the final exam will cover FOUR topics instead of three. So pathetic right? Aiyah anyway, I think I should be able to pass la.

R: Fuck you. So fucking easy of course can pass lah. If you cannot pass I come to Jogja and cut off your fucking cock ok.

Me: Please don't say that.

2006-08-26T16:41:00.000+07:00

Dangerous Electrical Devices

This is a picture of the light switch in my classroom. Notice that there's what looks like dripping tar coming out of the hole in the side of the switch. On closer inspection I realised that it's actually a lizard's tail. On even closer inspection, I realised that it was dead and remember that it had been there since three months ago when I first started the course. Nobody thinks to clear it away. Why bother when bacteria and maggots will do the job for you?

2006-08-26T14:14:00.000+07:00

The Indo 500

3am Saturday morning. The sky is stained a deep red from the lights of the city. The silhouette of Mt Merapi looms in the background. H and I emerge from the club, the music still throbbing in our Jack Danielled heads. I push my bike out of the lot and H gives it the once over while I limber up. R and K do the same with theirs.

Side by side, H pulls himself onto my pillion seat and K gets on R's. We rev our bikes while W, the singer from the club, stands in front of us, holding a kerchief in her hand. She raises it and, winking at me and H, cuts it down. We disappear into Jalan Solo in a cloud of burnt rubber and black smoke. We race past Plaza Amburukmo at a blazing 70km/h. My gearbox is protesting from the strain.

At the end of the street, I brake at the very last moment and swerve the bike right into a tight u-turn, my shoe brushing the tarmac. H lets out a whoop. Powering out of the hairpin, the front of the bike lifts in a wheelie. Too late to correct. I lose power and R catches up. Laughing maniacally, he inches ahead of me.

A twist of my wrist and I speed into the tree-lined boulevards of Jalan Gejayan. The claustrophobic confines challenging us to push our bikes even harder. Unhindered by traffic, we criss cross our way through narrow backlanes, waking up the occasional family of chickens.

Now we reach a bridge which gives us a breathtaking view of Jogja by night. Neither of us can resist the urge to slow down to take in the night time scene. The city is quiet, almost dead. In the night, we feel like specks in the sleeping city.

We're at the roundabout at the university, all of us freezing from the cool, crisp night air. One more stretch of road and two sharp turns to the finish. I twist my throttle all the way and hunch my back into a race crouch. R is close behind me. It becomes a test of nerves as the road intersection at McDonalds looms up. I go hard on the brakes a split second after R and lean hard into the turn. My left clutch peg scrapes the road and sparks fly. Oblivious, I change my stance on the bike abruptly as I get ready for the sharp right coming ahead. This time my exhaust is scratched as I shift all my weight to the right in order to make the turn at maximum speed.

The old girl gives me all she's got while H giggles at the ludicrousness of it all.

The final stretch. R is only half a second behind me. We power into the parking lot and our brakes screetch as we stop just short of the fence. W points at me and smiles. I pump my arms in triumph and spin my rear wheels in a burnout to celebrate. The air is thick with the smell of burnt rubber and hard won victory. H slaps me hard on the back.

It is now 4am and, after a celebratory cigarette and a nasi padang breakfast, the dark red sky starts to turn an icey blue. The sun is just rising and the city is starting to wake up. We say our goodbyes, get onto our bikes and slink off into the tight backroads.

2006-08-25T12:46:00.000+07:00

Vocabulary Lesson

Yesterday I stepped into my class and my vocabulary teacher, who was already there, immediately and totally out of the blue, goes, "before we start today's lesson, I thought I'd introduce a few new words just for your information." He writes on the whiteboard:

mandal

impoten

subur

aprodisiak

perilaku seks (aman/berisiko)

gonta ganti pasangan X setia pada 1 pasangan

Then he explained in his best English that mandal is different from impoten because mandal means "the condition of a man where he can ejaculate but his sperm cannot make the woman pregnant" whereas impoten "means that the man cannot do the sex" (also known as "cannot get it up" in more conventional terms).

He continued, "subur it refer to the age of a couple when they can make baby." And, lapsing into Indonesia in his excitement, that aprodisiak is to "tambah gairah" or to increase desire.

"Perilaku seks is the doing of sex but there is two type - aman which is the safe type where you wear erm.. kondom? Or eat peel (after some too-ing and fro-ing I realise he meant to say "pill"). And berisiko is like make sex but having some risk. Like don't wear kondom or eat peel."

Last but not least, he explained that "gonta ganti pasangan means that the people always change sexual partner" (I guess we call them "swingers") and that "setia pada 1 pasangan means always with one partner (we all know who those people are)."

I asked him if these words would be coming out in the final exam next week and he said "oh.. er.. ha.. ha.. is only for your information." Now why would he think that I would need to know all these things in particular?

2006-08-22T01:20:00.000+07:00

What's In A Name

I just discovered that "lumpur" in Indonesian, and probably Malay, means "mud". "Kuala Lumpur" means "Muddy River Estuary". Now why the hell would anyone want to name their capital city that?

2006-08-22T00:15:00.000+07:00

New Porn

Speaking of jerking off, Ducati has decided to release a street legal version of its MotoGP bike. It's called the Desmosedici RR (the 'RR' stands for racing replica). Apparently its based as closely as possible on the bike that they use to race in MotoGP. This is the equivalent of Ferrari announcing that they will start selling street legal versions of the car that Michael Schumacher drives in F1. The Desmo's gonna have a lot of the technology that goes into the MotoGP bike which is, seriously, shitloads. Things like exotic materials to make the bike lighter, state of the art control systems that are years ahead of conventional motorcycles and a dashboard that looks like it came from Luke Skywalker's X-Wing.

This thing is so hard core that there's no room for a pillion rider because the bit of the bike where a pillion normally sits has been used for the exhaust system. This is so that there is no un-aerodynamic exhaust pipe at the side of the bike to hinder its performance.

Anyway, this is what it looks like:

Fucking chio right? This thing costs more than US$100,000. Like it costs more than a merc lah. Best just look eh?

2006-08-21T23:43:00.000+07:00

My Friends Eat Lamb Dicks and Get Hard Ons

I had this converstaion recently with H, my Cambodian Muslim ex-Indonesian language schoolmate, primary drinking buddy and discussion partner on matters related to paid sex in Southeast Asia:

H: So the other day Y and I went to this shop to eat lamb soup. It's like this place by the road which specialises in lamb soup. They have all these lamb parts hung up in the stall and then you just point to whatever part you want and they make it into soup for you.

Me: Really? So what did you guys get?

H: Penis.

Me: Shit. Really? Lamb dick? Like one each or you shared?

H: Dunno. We just said we wanted lamb penis in our soup and they gave us two bowls. Can't really tell cos they cut it up.

Me: Right.

H: It's kinda like eating snake actually. You feel really hot all over. Oh you also get a hard on after you eat it.

Me: A hard on? Like a boner?

H: Yeah. Y said he couldn't sleep the whole night because his dick was standing.

Me: Well he could have just.. you know.. let it out.

H: Let what out?

Me: You know like uhm.. goyang goyang down there? (Goyang means shake)

H: Oh! oh.. yeah he could have done it but he didn't. Actually he's not supposed to cos he's like a more strict Muslim than I am.

Me: H, the Pope is a more strict Muslim than you are.

H: Ye-a-h... but well strictly speaking, Muslims aren't allowed to jerk off.

Me: They aren't? Why?

H: It's like the same as losing your virginity.

Me: So it counts even if you lose it to yourself?

H: Yeah.

Me: But who's gonna know right?

H: Well its kinda like an honour system.

Me: Ok. Then what about girls? Like what if they just rub but don't stick anything in?

H: Don't know.

Me: Strange.

H: Yeah. People should loosen up huh?

2006-08-21T23:13:00.000+07:00

Indonesian Toilets II

So when I first moved into my hostel, there was a handheld bidet in the bathroom. Basically its this hose with a spray gun attached to the end so that you can spray water at your ass after you've finished shitting. Ever the paranoid tenant, I don't use it on my ass but I do however use it to wash the toilet bowl from time to time. Anyway, its more appropriately called a bidet "gun" because the spray is like damn strong lah. So strong that it kinda atomises into a fine mist when it hits a solid surface. And I notice that the mist kinda smells like... well, shit.

So I had two hypotheses:

(i) There was some malfunction in the bidet system so the water that comes out of it is somehow of lower than average quality. I figured that maybe only the bidet guns in this particular hostel had this problem. The other possibility was more chilling...

(ii) The tap water in Jogja is naturally gross but you can only tell when it has been atomised into a fine mist and you can smell the shit smell. This was a more worrying since if all tap water was like that which came from my bidet gun, this would include the water which I use to shower/wash my face/rinse my mouth.

Anyway, after smelling the water from my tap very very carefully, I found no trace of the shit smell so I happily put the second possibility out of my mind and just never ever used the bidet gun again.

But now that I've moved into the apartment, I notice that water from the bidet gun smells the same! And this time the bidet gun is not that strong so the water is doesn't get turned into a mist but I still smell the shit smell leh.

So I've come up with a third theory which is that they use some kinda industrial water to flush toilets with and this is somehow tapped into the bidet guns. So, if anyone were foolish enough to use the bidet guns for their true intended purpose, they would be cleaning their asses with industrial water. Remember industrial water? Last time my social studies teacher told me that factories in Jurong always have a faint smell of shit because they use industrial water to cool the machinery. Industrial water is like processed sewage but it is only fit for machines because machines don't drink the water. But the fact that it smells like shit means that there's still a bit of the ole sewage in the water.

I think there's no way to solve the mystery but to ask the friendly folks at my school again. Though I'm not sure if I should lest they think I have some shit fetish. And anyway, I don't think I could take it if they told me it was actually hypothesis (ii) above.

I need to get out of this place soon man.

2006-08-17T14:05:00.000+07:00

Photos of Snakes

In case anyone's wondering what snake looks like after it's been cooked, here are the photos:

And there's a picture of the menu too if you want to know how many ways there are to cook a snake:

Sorry this last photo is not too clear. It actually says:

Snake

King Cobra Steak (Served with vegetables and fried potatoes) - Rp 27000

Cobra Satay - Rp 22000

Tongseng Cobra (that's cobra in sweet sauce for all you Indon gourmet virgins) - Rp 22000

Cobra Goreng Mantenga (served with Fried Cobra cooked in Butter Sauce) - Rp 23000

I'm not sure the last item makes sense. So the "Cobra Goreng Mantenga" is served with even more cobra that is first fried and then cooked in butter sauce?

2006-08-17T13:55:00.000+07:00

Contemplation

I realise that Chee Chew has for some reason changed his blog stub so now people can leave comments (read about the origin of the blog stub and my heroic triumph over him here). I'm thinking if I should backside itchy and post a comment to di siao him again. Should I? Jogja very boring leh...

2006-08-14T00:07:00.000+07:00

I Go Solo

Yesterday got excursion to Jogja's nemesis city - Solo. Apparently, Jogja and Solo used to be one kingdom in the past but because of some historical thing, they split. Even now, the older people in Jogja still refuse to wear Solo batik and vice versa for the old people in Solo. So patriotic hor? Now you ask me to wear orchid shirt I die for you to see first. Incidently, Solo's where Soeharto will be buried when he dies. If that ever happens.

Anyway, we went to visit this Hindu temple where people pray to statues of lan jiaos. No joke. There's this little clearing in the middle of the temple with a stone formation of a dick in the ground:

The three little balls at the end are supposed to be, well, balls. No idea why they have three instead of two. Indons like redundancy I guess. Like the two sinks in my friend's apartment. The triangle in the second picture is supposed to represent a cheebye. So the whole formation is supposed to represent the dick about to go into the pussy which is supposed to represent.. er.. "life". And in front of the pussy is a round thing which is supposed to be a turtle which is supposed to represent wisdom. So... after you fuck, you get wisdom. Guess it makes sense if you're thinking of improving your technique.

Then we went to this waterfall place. There's like shitloads of monkeys there. I get out of the car and see two of the fuckers on another car. When I took this picture, one of them just peed on the car roof. Quite obvious which one it was. Its the one with the unholstered weapon:

Anyway, I had to walk like damn far down the hill to see the waterfall which wasn't much. Especially cos there was a fat, topless Indonesian guy unselfconsiously enjoying the cool spray against his taut body. You can just about make him out in the second picture below. He's the one with the brown moobs. Nice:

Also saw this dog which was quite cute except for the fact that he tried to bite my arm off when I tried to pat him:

And I realise that Indonesians love to snack. Like throughout the trip everyone in the car was munching on like crisps and cakes and stuff. Of course it only made my motion sickness even worse although I managed not to throw up.

All in all a pretty relaxing day, if pointless.

2006-08-13T22:36:00.000+07:00

I Eat Snake

No K don't get excited. Not that kind.

So last time Ari told me that there's this restaurant here that serves snake meat. So me and my two buddies go looking for the place. Ride all the way from north of Jogja to the south and we finally come to the place. But we don't know the exact location so we start asking around for directions. Again, we encounter the proud Indonesian of giving-a-nonsense-answer-to-appear-helpful-rather-than-admit-that-you-don't-know.

We ask around in the area for directions but the answers range from "I think its somewhere along this street" to more elaborate concoctions like "yeah there used to be one on this street but then it moved to this other place but its a bit far. It's near the train station. You take a left here and then a right, and then two more rights. It's next to a field with a statue in the middle of it." And in case anyone's wondering if I was confused because I don't understand Indonesian too well, R, who is 100% Indo-fucking-nesian was doing the asking and he couldn't make any sense of it.

R says he needs to eat soon cos he's gotta prepare for his gig later at the club so we settle for one of the nearby restaurants. He tells me to pick one so I choose a quaint little one that looks like they serve decent food. We sit down, slightly disappointed and I flip through the menu and fuck me.. there's a section titled "Snake". How fucking lucky is that?!

Anyway, I get the king cobra steak with akra - this really funky local liqour which tastes like tequila. Don't know why they call it a steak cos it comes in like little pieces. Anyway, it's pretty good. And since the restaurant's so far away, I figure that I should just pig out so when I'm done, I get another order of stir fried cobra in sweet sauce. Damn good as well. Now my heart is pounding as I'm typing this cos of the snake.

The Indons believe that snake meat enhances your sexual prowess. R says when I do morning glory tomorrow will shoot far far. Somemore I ate two portions. Note to self: don't turn on the ceiling fan tonight in case I forget tomorrow morning. Otherwise could get messy.

2006-08-13T21:58:00.000+07:00

Cod Liver Oil

Was going through the pictures in my phone and I saw this. Did everyone have cod liver oil when we were kids? I took this at the homestay. They feed the baby there with this.

Last time I ever check on wikipedia for cod liver oil before. This is as extract from the entry:

"People who grew up in Asia and other parts of the world often have terrible childhood memories of being force-fed Scott's Emulsion (a popular brand of cod liver oil supplement) until the orange-flavoured version was released."

Taste like fuck right? But I don't know why when I was a kid I liked it leh. I think its cos my parents psychoed me into it. Like they'd go "mmm.. it's time for Cod Live Oil!.. nah.. mmm so nice..." And I would swallow the whole tablespoon stupidly like it was some kinda treat like that. And last time not like now got orange flavoured one. Last time my one was the original white coloured and taste even more sai one. I remember as I got older I would notice my parents making faces to each other and giggle at how I actually liked the stuff.

Anyway, in the homestay, they chase the kid round with a teaspoon and do everything to get him to drink it. Like distract him with his toys or something. But then he's too smart for them so its usually quite hard. Then after they finally get him to drink like half the teaspoon, they pour the rest back into the bottle. Wah lan eh. I mean poor also not poor until like that right? And it kinda defeats the purpose of giving your kid cod liver oil if the bottle is half full of baby saliver right or not? Gross. And then the cod liver oil that they dripped on the floor while chasing the baby around don't need to clean one.

Maybe leave for the rats ah.

2006-08-09T20:30:00.000+07:00

I Prepare Myself To Become A Rich Prick

So the other day I went to Jakarta to look for an apartment for when I live there. Nice place if not for the traffic jams. Sometimes I think I can walk faster than the fucking jam man.

Anyway, I looked at about 5 apartments but it took like almost a whole day. Apartment hunting is tiring man. Especially if you have been drinking yourself silly the night before. Some apartments in Jakarta are amazing. You know that zombie movie? Land of the Dead? The story goes that the world has become populated by zombies because of some disaster and the only safe haven is this fortress city which is like damn fucking nice inside but right outside its gates is this like damn jiat lat wasteland filled with the walking dead ready to tear you into tiny tiny pieces to get at your brain?

Ah this apartment is like that la. Outside the compound the city is like shit, filled with near zombies (read about my close shave with one here). But inside the apartment compound, its like one of those Singapore condo ads lor. Like damn fucking nice, manicured green, swimming pool, fountain. There were actually a few people sitting in an al fucking fresco restaurant. And then just as I turned my head to the lobby I see a merc pull up and a girl wearing a spaghetti-strap top, sun glasses and little else steps out from the back. I'm like YES I WANNA LIVE HERE!

But then my friends tell me that the place is too fucking far from the office la. (Too fucking far means like its about two kilometres away but because of the jam it will take like an hour to get to work lor). Dejected, I half-heartedly look at the rest but nothing is as good as this one leh. One of them had furniture like from King Arthur's house like that. Like the mirror is like one lion head and inside the lion's mouth is the mirror. Please. That one give my grandmother la.

Anyway, after dinner, we go over to my friend's place for a look. Fucking hell. It's even better than just now that one. We went to the downstairs gym toilet for a pee. The toilet got one staff to open the door for you, another staff to give you a towel to wipe your hands. Then got one more staff there dunno do what. Wipe backside maybe.

Then we go upstairs to his apartment. Wah lan eh. His toilet is like the size of my bedroom now. And its so luxurious that it has two sinks. Dunno why also. Only got one toilet bowl but got two sinks. Who cares. THE TOILET HAS TWO FUCKING SINKS!!! And his hall is like so spacious you can play soccer lor.

Of course I've decided to take the place. Just need to find the right unit so that I don't see the monsoon drain/open sewer right beside the compound.

2006-08-08T13:49:00.000+07:00

Lee Chee Chew Is Famous In The World

Ok so the other day D sends me this link. Apparently Chee Chew participated in the "8th Asian Cartoon Exhibition". Now I know what his face looks like, the ugly motherfucker:

Frankenstein's monster tried on his new wig and was pleased.

So I guess now he's famous. Along with this guy:

And him:

Together with another guy whose middle name is "Buang". Doing the nation proud eh?

2006-08-01T22:20:00.000+07:00

Humourous Indonesian Word II

"Kebetulan" is Indonesian for "truly". Like "kebetulan, I shat in my pants yesterday." But it kinda sounds to me like "kebe-tulan". "Tulan" as in "fucking cheebye, I was damn tulan yesterday because I shat in my pants."

Kinda just rolls off the tongue doesn't it?

2006-08-01T19:47:00.000+07:00

Escape!

Ok I've decided to escape the shithole that is my homestay. Think I'm getting soft. Just four years agoI'd have stayed in the grossest accomodation just to save a few bucks or so that I'd be in the cool part of town. But now.. Well.

But to be fair, the homestay WAS gross lah.

First of all, the toilet floor was wet all the time from the host family washing their asses with the scoop from the water tub next to the toilet bowl (incidentally, this is also the same scoop and tub they use to bathe with). The toilet bowl is also wet all the time for the same reason and, according to S from the USINDO class at my school, that gives you ass rash (when she told me I was like "Oooh.. so that's what it is" - Don't worry. I'm better now).

Secondly, the toilet bowl was gross. Besides looking old and having a loose seat, there was brown scum on the inner rim under the seat where I imagine water from the bowl (probably of the same colour except with solid bits) must have splashed up and hit the seat during the ass washing procedure and since they have probably been doing it for the last thirty years the stains are now so deeply ingrained in the plastic that when I try to wipe it with toilet paper, it doesn't even come off (which actually reassures me a little since that means that it can't rub off onto my ass - see how sad I've become?).

Third, there's a teeny tiny mismatch in hygiene standards. I mean, there're FUCKING RATS in the house for fuck's sake and they're like "oh.. it's like that." I'm just taking a shot in the dark here but maybe, just maybe it's because they leave food overnight on the coffee table. The auntie who owns the house actually said something like "Oh.. we're quite easy going. There's always food on the table if you want a late night snack or something". Like hell I want to eat their late night snack man. And the lady's got a one year old kid in the house who literally puts everything in reach into his mouth. Toys, food, food that he's dropped on the floor, VCDs, bedroom slippers, garden slippers, nobody really stops him unless he looks like he's about to choke on the stuff. Well maybe they do make an attempt to put away the garden slippers lah.

Besides, I'm out all day anyway so I don't really get to interact much with them and practice my bahasa shmahasa. And its kinda hard to study without a proper table. But I suspect that deep down inside, these are just excuses I've made up to console myself that I am not a total wuss and moving out just because I can't take a bit of dirt.

Anyway, I have two more weeks left in my contract with the auntie but I've decided to leave the money and run. I tell the auntie last night that one of my colleagues at the office has fallen ill and they need me back there to cover for him and that I'm leaving this Friday. The timing was crucial because even if she insists on sending me to the airport and waving me off, I can still pull it off convincingly because I'm going to Jakarta for a short R&R trip anyway so its all cool.

I'm thinking I've pulled it off when she asks me what's wrong with him. First thing I blurt out is "dengue fever" but almost kick myself straightaway because I remember, half a second too late, that people with dengue fever only get out of work for two weeks. Thankfully, she doesn't catch on. But then she keeps going "Ya Allaaah (she says this a lot, along with Insyah Allah and Asalam Allaikum), your poor poor colleague. I hope he's alright." So I feel like a right bastard for lying to a nice (albeit less than hygienic) old lady because she actually seems slightly concerned. Thankfully, right there and then D calls from Singapore so I put on my most convincing concerned look and apologise to the auntie and leave the dinner table, talking in English with a worried tone so its as if someone's called me from Singapore to update me on the 'situation'.

Anyway I've booked a studio apartment and I'm gonna move in next week when I come back from Jakarta. I told D that I'm convinced that Buddha is punishing me for making fun of him. D, however, thinks its more likely that he's not happy with me because I made it look kinda small in the photo.

2006-07-30T12:33:00.000+07:00

New Indonesian Words

The Indonesian word for 'chest' is dada. And the word for 'tits' is buah dada. But buah also means 'fruit'. So buah dada literally means 'fruits of the chest'. How appropriate.

2006-07-29T11:12:00.002+07:00

Kinky

Does anyone think that this is a bit of a contradiction?

2006-07-29T11:12:00.000+07:00

Learning About Indonesian Culture

This is a conversation I had with the staff at my school. It's translated from Indonesian but I have tried to be as accurate as possible:

Me (to my tudung-clad tutor): Hey I have a question.

Tutor: Ya go on.

Me: You know for traditional Indonesians, after they shit, how do they clean their uhh.. what do you call it in Indonesian? Asshole? (said in English) Cos I notice that they don't have toilet paper in most of the toilets here.

Tutor: Er.. Why don't you ask Tuti (the office assistant).

Tuti: I can't really answer that question. Anyway, she's your tutor. She should be the one to answer your questions.

After some too-ing and fro-ing

Tuti (giggling uncontrollably): Maybe it's better to ask Pak Ruhi (the supervising lecturer for my course who happens to be in the office). I'll go get him.

Few minutes later, Pak Ruhi comes out of the office

Ruhi: Yup? Heard you had a question?

Me: Ya. It's about Indonesian culture. And since this is the Indonesian Language and Culture Department, I'd like to know how Indonesians clean their assholes after they mengeshit (Indonesians like to add prefixes to English words to make them appear Indonesian.)

Ruhi: Well... we do it with water.

Me: But like how? It's not like the toilets have water hoses that you can conveniently aim at your ass. How do you do it with the toilets where there're only basins of water and a scoop?

Ruhi: Well you kinda splash it on your butt.

Me: Do you use your hands too?

Ruhi: Well.. yes.

Me: And then like after that you eat with your hands?

Ruhi: Well we use the other hand.

Me: Right.. Then won't your butt be wet after you wash yourself like that?

Ruhi: Well you gotta kinda jump around a bit to get the water off. (mimes jumping around in the toilet)

Me: Isn't that kind of messy?

Ruhi: Well.. ye-a-h.. But it gets us clean.

Me: I guess it takes a lot of practice huh?

At this point the director of the department walks out of her office. She's obviously been listening in.

Director (to me): What about you? You use toilet paper. That's not as clean as using water right?

Ruhi (deciding to go on the offensive): Yeah. Paper's not that good is it? Cos your ass is a crevice like this (shows me the folds in the skin between the digits of his forefinger). So when you wipe its difficult to get into the crevice right?

Me: Well you kinda have to dig a little bit sometimes.

Director: How many pieces do you use usually?

Me: As many as it takes.

Short pause.

Director: Ohh.. begituuu (Indonesian for "Rii-iight")... Well, I'm off now. Have a good weekend then.

Ruhi (to me): Ya. Very interesting conversation. See you next week.

I still don't really get the concept. Some unanswered questions:

(i) How do you splash the water on your butt when you're sitting/squatting? Don't you kinda have to fling it upwards? What if some of the shit/water accidentally gets flung upwards too high? How do you wipe it off from, say your face when there's no toilet paper available? Do you use the water again? Won't you just get yourself really wet in the process?

(ii) How can you possibly expect to dry yourself sufficiently after you wash so that there won't be wet patches on your trousers when you put it on afterwards? I mean even with a bidet you have to use toilet paper to dry yourself right? Is jumping around really effective? Or do you have to kinda air it a bit before you put on your trousers? Doesn't that take quite a bit of time?

(iii) What if the water supply stops (as it sometimes does here in Indonesia) and there is not enough water in the water basin? I mean in toilet-paper-bloc nations you can shout out to other people and ask them to throw you a roll. But isn't it kind of hard to pass a bucket of water under the toilet door?

Strange country, this.

2006-07-28T12:30:00.000+07:00

I Get Localitis II

The other day my mates from the other class just graduated. These guys are from the poorer and more Islamic (no correlation to the former intended) bits of Southeast Asia like South Vietnam, Cambodia. Basically the equivalent of your regular schoolyard bengs. Anyway, we had this celebratory dinner and after that we went for karaoke!

Of course I had to sing my Paradise by Beyond (which, surprisingly, they had the original version for). And then Sweet Child of Mine with a surprisingly authentic-sounding music backing (of course the video was, just like in Singapore, of some anonymous ang moh woman bouncing her impossibly big tits on the beach). Anyway, I think I made an impression because now when my tutor (who went with us to the karaoke) sees me, she goes "Para-para diiise!!!"

After that we went to the local arcade to play Winning Eleven (that's a soccer game for all you girls and girlie boys) on the rental PS2s and then (this is the clincher) I gave a lift home to not one, but two of the guys on my bike. At the same time.

I think my metamorphosis is complete. Fiona, whenever you're ready... Nice tat by the way.

2006-07-26T15:46:00.000+07:00

Fun With Animals

So I've moved into this homestay to live with an Indonesian family so that I can practice my Indonesian. It's in one of the more upmarket parts of town. Or at least as upmarket as it can get in Yog-I-find-flies-in-my-food-regularly-yakarta.

Anyway, first day I move in, I take a ride around the neighbourhood to check it out. And then I see these two cats having some outdoor action on the side of the road. Doggy-style! Loverboy was even clawing his fuck bitch's back in ecstacy.

And then there's like live poultry running free everywhere who, I'm sure, regularly hang out with their wild cousins who've just flown in from God knows what bird-flu-infested exotic location. Would Monsieur like his H5N1 ala Chickene:

Or ala Swanne?

And then on Monday morning, the most champion thing happened. I woke up at 3am to watch MotoGP that day. So there I am sitting on the sofa, when I notice a fucking big RAT crawling down the wall across the hall. Thinking nothing of it, I continue watching the race. Five minutes later, a smaller one does the same thing. Being only slightly perturbed, I continue watching stoically. Another five minutes later, I see something brown and furry run across the floor straight towards me. I lift up my legs but its too late. Before I know it, the fucker's run up the sofa onto me! So as not to appear too much of a wimp, I merely jump out of my seat but managed to supress my girlish squeel.

I spent the rest of the race standing beside the sofa with half a wary eye looking out for any more rat expeditions up my trousers. Next day I told my teachers at the school and they're all like "Yeah. It's pretty normal to find rats in houses around here." Maybe everybody here's vaccinated against bubonic plague from birth. Wonder if my BCG injection covers that.

2006-07-26T15:04:00.000+07:00

Interactive TV!

Indonesians are obsessed with "interactive TV". There're all these TV programmes with like live opinion polls where people can send in SMSes or call in with their opinions. These range from the slightly cool (see picture and caption below), to the immensely kok - on MetroTV news every night, they have "interactive news" where they display all the stories for the night on the screen and viewers get to vote for the story they want to watch first. And then after every story that's been shown, they show the same screen with the remaining stories and get the viewers to vote again for the next story. How kok is that?! I mean what is the fucking point? They end up showing all the stories anyway. Even more kok, they have viewers who call in to choose the next story to be shown and they say things like "Ohygod I'm on TV! Uhhh... I will choose... the story about the earthquake victims in East Java because I think it's like.. So. Important. that we give adequate coverage to their plight." Fucking boh liao right? Then sometimes the connection is not good. Then the newscaster goes "Hello? Hello? Bapak? Are you there? Ok we've lost the caller, let's see what the next caller will choose... Hello? Caller number 2? What story would you like to hear Bapak?"...

Bet you won't see that on BBC.

On the MotoGP programme on TV7 here, they have this weird video game thingie where two callers get to race with each other on a split-screen by pressing the keys on their mobile phones. "Press 2 to accelerate, 8 to brake, 4 to turn left and 6 to turn right".

2006-07-26T09:59:00.000+07:00

Defence Ministry

Everything here is hard core. I just discovered that the proper name of the Ministry of Defence here is Departemen Ketahanan. It's like the Department of Tahan. Or the Department of Fuck-You-We-Can-Take-Whatever-Shit-You-Throw-At-Us.